tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-38654382024-02-20T11:10:58.801-08:00The Crossbow ProjectThere's no defense like a good offense.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comBlogger149125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-1068499376990095572003-11-10T13:22:00.000-08:002010-03-09T07:57:05.895-08:00<b>MOVIN' ON</b> <br />
<br />
Please click <a href="http://stuff.lowells.org/">here</a> for The New Crossbow Project.Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2003642472003-05-30T11:07:00.000-07:002003-05-30T11:07:30.316-07:00<a href="http://www.audblog.com/media/1876/16619.mp3"><img src="http://www.audblog.com/media/images/audblog_post.gif" HSPACE=4 alt="Powered by audblog" /></a><a href="http://www.audblog.com/media/1876/16619.mp3">audblog audio post</a>Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2003337422003-05-23T12:00:00.000-07:002003-05-23T12:19:37.000-07:00<b>NOTHING EVER LASTS FOREVER...</b>
<br />
<br />Well, nude celebrity photo searchers, The Crossbow Project has far outlived its useful purpose, whatever that was, and will be cyber-expunged come next Tuesday. I've long ago run out of anything resembling creativity, and the thought of posting any more of this warmed-over imbecility makes me cringe with disgust. I'll continue to check out the sites of the few people who read this on any sort of semi-regular basis, and many others who don't, since they possess far more aptitude for this medium than I do, but my blogging days have ended. I appreciate any and all support I've received, and I'll leave you with this appropriate <a href="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/everybodywantstorule.ram">soundtrack</a> to my farewell.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2003214022003-05-21T05:54:00.000-07:002003-05-21T06:01:00.000-07:00<b>ANNIKA SORENSTAM NUDE!</b>
<br />
<br />No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.
<br />
<br />Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.
<br />
<br />I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.
<br />
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2003169782003-05-20T08:41:00.000-07:002003-05-20T08:41:59.000-07:00<b>BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED</b>
<br />
<br /><center><a href="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/nipple.jpg" onclick="window.open('http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/nipple.jpg', 'popup', 'width=600,height=800,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0'); return false"><img src="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/nipple-thumb.jpg"></a></center>
<br />
<br />We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.
<br />
<br />The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.
<br />
<br />If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2003014712003-05-16T10:39:00.000-07:002003-05-22T15:21:12.000-07:00<b>PULL MY FINGER LAKES</b>
<br />
<br />The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.
<br />
<br />Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002962492003-05-15T10:23:00.000-07:002003-05-15T11:36:38.000-07:00<b>TUBE STEAK BOOGIE</b>
<br />
<br />Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:
<br />
<br /><hr>
<br />MAN: Come on, throw it in there!
<br />
<br />(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)
<br />
<br />MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?
<br />
<br />(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)
<br />
<br />MAN: What a dog!
<br />
<br />WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.
<br /><hr>
<br />
<br />PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002890902003-05-14T05:34:00.000-07:002003-05-14T05:36:22.000-07:00<b>ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO MAKE UP</b>
<br />
<br />I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but <a href="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/nyt_wwn.jpg" onclick="window.open('http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/nyt_wwn.jpg', 'popup', 'width=200,height=250,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0'); return false">today's issue</a> is ridiculous.
<br />
<br />Howell Raines, have you no shame?
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002847232003-05-13T09:13:00.000-07:002003-05-13T09:13:30.466-07:00<b>SCAM SPAM</b>
<br />
<br />From my inbox:
<br />
<br /><i>
<br />My Dear,
<br />
<br />My name is Musa Ahrey the son of Dakoba Ahrey, I am still a student of University of Lagos, Please I want you to help me in doing one thing for me. My late father deposited the sum of U$20Million with a local bank here in Nigeria (GLOBAL BANK NIG PLC), my late father wanted to send the money to his friend in USA unlucky for him he died and right now I don't know my father's friend address. All I want you to do for me is to send your account where the money will be transferred as the owner of the money. My dear I have decided to share the money as follows 50% for me 40% to my business partner while 10% will be for you as my eyes over there.
<br /></i>
<br />
<br />Isn't that just a touching story? Poor kid. As it happens, my bank account is, uh, at the dry cleaners. So, come on TCP readership, let's help Musa out! Send me your bank account number, with the routing transit number, and I'll contact Musa and have him deposit the 20 Million smackers in there today. Pretty soon, you'll be pulling out of the Jaguar dealership with some new wheels after you get your share of the loot.
<br />
<br />And that "My Dear" thing has absolutely nothing to do with that week I spent in Lagos when I was in college. Musa is just a friend, I swear.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002838402003-05-13T06:51:00.000-07:002003-05-13T06:51:48.000-07:00<b>DIRTY BLOG</b>
<br />
<br />When I heard about <a href="http://apnews.excite.com/article/20030513/D7R0BTLO0.html">this</a>, I thought I'd follow suit.
<br />
<br /><center><i><b>THIS IS A DRILL! THIS IS ONLY A DRILL!</b></i></center>
<br />
<br />If this had been an actual blog entry, it might have been somewhat funny, and you might have been directed to link to it. Please ignore it as you normally would, and continue searching for information on the CROSSBOW HOME GYM or the BOWFLEX HOME GYM or KAREN GRASSLE NUDE or whatever.
<br />
<br />Thank you for your cooperation, from the Department of Blogland Security.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002711012003-05-10T05:57:00.000-07:002003-05-10T05:58:25.000-07:00<b>GOOGLE IS GOOD, BUT NOT THAT GOOD</b>
<br />
<br />Actual referral from my referrals page:
<br />
<br /><center><img src="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/search.jpg"></center>
<br />
<br />I understand the sentiment, dude, but really, how is Google going to know who your sister-in-law is? Names, we need <i>names</i>! Try again, and let me know how it goes.
<br />
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002627132003-05-08T11:27:00.000-07:002003-05-08T12:55:04.000-07:00<b>TOP TEN NEW HONG KONG TOURISM SLOGAN IDEAS</b>
<br />
<br />Hong Kong recently had to scrap plans to introduce their new tourism slogan, "Hong Kong Takes Your Breath Away" in light of the SARS epidemic. Here's what they've come up with so far as a replacement:
<br />
<br />10. That Surgical Mask Becomes You!
<br />
<br />9. Come To The Hacking, Phlegming, Aching, Fevery Jewel Of The Orient
<br />
<br />8. Visit For The Scenery, Stay For The Hospitals
<br />
<br />7. A Vacation To Remember...If You Live
<br />
<br />6. All The Codeine You Want!
<br />
<br />5. What Better Place To Get Quarantined?
<br />
<br />4. Chow Yun Fat and Jackie Chan Dare You To Visit, You Bunch Of Wussies
<br />
<br />3. Only a 5% Death Rate, Better Than The Bronx
<br />
<br />2. Make Medical History!
<br />
<br />And the Number 1 new Hong Kong tourism slogan idea is:
<br />
<br />1. Hong Kong: Flu-ey!!!!
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002553562003-05-07T07:31:00.000-07:002003-05-07T07:31:14.546-07:00<b>NEO NAZI</b>
<br />
<br />I can't tell if I hate everything having to do with The Matrix Reloaded, or if it's just the machines controlling my brain that are making me think I do.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002498722003-05-06T08:39:00.000-07:002003-05-06T08:41:31.000-07:00<b>JOAN OF DORK</b>
<br />
<br />Speaking of music, what is the deal with this new Joan Armatrading song, "Lovers Speak"? The lyrics read "I want to learn the language of love/ I want to learn how to flirt". Jeez, Joan, how old are you anyway? You have to be over 50. You're a Member of the Freakin' British Empire for crying out loud. You really ought to get out more. My wife used to teach 7th and 8th grade girls in South Philly who were juggling a half dozen boyfriends each, maybe you can ask them.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002497932003-05-06T08:29:00.000-07:002003-05-06T08:30:21.000-07:00<b>MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE CONSUMER</b>
<br />
<br />Recently, I've noticed that nearly every time I go to the grocery store, or the mall, or to a sporting event, invariably, I will hear a song which is on a CD that I actually own. For the first few times, this was quite pleasing. "Hey," I would say to my wife, "they're playing the BoDeans, from 'Home'! I own that. How cool is that?" Then, something finally occurred to me. The world is not suddenly catching up to my hip musical esthetic. What's happening is, I am getting old. The music I liked when I was young is now so completely vanilla and unthreatening that it's being played to general audiences to put them in a positive mood so that they will buy things.
<br />
<br />So later, I bought an iPod and stored my entire CD collection on it so I could listen to it while at the gym, and ever since, I can't stop buying more stuff. Stuff I don't even need, too, like a wi-fi card for the PocketPC I never use, and the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0446690791/qid=1052234003/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/102-1618125-5820913?v=glance&s=books">Odd Todd Handbook</a>. I've even memorized my Discover card number. You know, I really think I've stumbled on to a marketing bonanza here. If I can get people to listen to my iPod for an hour, they'll buy anything! Now I just need to market my CD collection to different retail outlets and ask for a percentage of the increased sales, and I'll be a wealthy man. Then I can finally get that Sharper Image <a href="http://www.sharperimage.com/us/en/catalog/productview.jhtml?pid=24693400&pcatid=20&catid=2011">Coca-Cola Wurlitzer Nostalgic Soda Machine</a> I've had my eye on.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002456322003-05-05T12:24:00.000-07:002003-05-05T15:22:55.000-07:00<b>THAT'S GOOD EATIN'</b>
<br />
<br />No hilarious blog entry today. Not that there ever is. Anyway, I spent most of the day explaining to a sales rep that our business is probably irretrievably lost to his competition, and that I didn't make the decision, and that the guy who made the decision hates his company. And he bought me lunch. So, it was a pretty good day.
<br />
<br />For more on my feelings on vendor lunches, click <a href="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/2002_11_03_crossbowproject_archive.html#85650959">here</a>.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002339082003-05-02T10:55:00.000-07:002003-05-02T10:56:26.000-07:00<b>CAN I GET THAT DIRECT DEPOSITED?</b>
<br />
<br />The Recording Industry Association of America has <a href="http://apnews.excite.com/article/20030502/D7QOSLTO0.html">settled</a> its lawsuits with four college students who offered thousands of copyrighted recordings for illegal downloading. The students agreed to pay sums ranging from $12,000 to $17,500.
<br />
<br />In related news, the RIAA also announced that it would pay a lump sum of $100,000,000 to the record-buying public for releasing over a decade worth of Yanni, Kenny G, and John Tesh albums.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002177192003-04-29T12:41:00.000-07:002003-04-29T12:47:29.000-07:00<b>KILLER FUNGI</b>
<br />
<br />An Army Cavalry platoon searching Iraq today may have found some chemical weapons. "Well, we're not sure what we've found. We'll have to do more testing," said Lt. Valerie Phipps. Lt. Phipps did elaborate that the items found are extremely obnoxious smelling, and could be used as part of a mobile bio-weapons program.
<br />
<br />Click <a href="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/socks.jpg" onclick="window.open('http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/socks.jpg', 'popup', 'width=150,height=150,scrollbars=no,resizable=no,toolbar=no,directories=no,location=no,menubar=no,status=no,left=0,top=0'); return false"> here </a>to view a photo of the suspected lethal agents.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2002131962003-04-28T16:57:00.000-07:002003-04-28T16:57:51.610-07:00<b>THIS IS THE TITLE</b>
<br />
<br />I'm adding an entry now, because this is supposed to be a web <i>log</i>, as if I'm keeping a record of something. In this case, it's of my complete dearth of ideas. I've had a migraine the last two days, so coming up with blog ideas is about 1,247,432 on my "list". Not that I have a "list". I pretty much live from moment to moment. Especially when I have a migraine, when I wish every moment would be my last. I'm better now. But I still have nothing to say. Bye.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2001892192003-04-23T11:45:00.000-07:002003-04-23T11:45:43.126-07:00<b>C'EST LA GUERRE...OOPS, I MEAN...NEVER MIND</b>
<br />
<br />The New York Times <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2003/04/22/politics/22BUSH.html">revealed</a> (login req'd) yesterday that the Bush re-election team will be going after leading Democratic Presidential contender Sen. John Kerry by alleging, among other things, that he "looks French". What the story failed to mention is that the Bush team has a list of other strategies for the remainder of the Democratic field.
<br />
<br />John Edwards: "John" sounds like "Jean". Too French.
<br />Dick Gephardt: "Dick" reminds everyone of the French love for sex.
<br />Joe Lieberman: German name. Plus, as a bonus, he's Jewish, so he helped kill our Lord and Saviour (use last one only in the South and maybe Utah).
<br />Howard Dean: Comes from Vermont. "Vermont" is French for Green Mountain. They must be crawling with 'em up there.
<br />Bob Graham: Graham crackers must be French. They are used in fancy pies and stuff.
<br />Carole Mosely Braun: Looks too much like Josephine Baker.
<br />Dennis Kucinich: Um, been seen eating French fries. Who cares?
<br />Al Sharpton: Right. As if we need a strategy. Our strategy is his hairdo.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2001780142003-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:002003-04-21T12:56:27.000-07:00<b>LIKE YOU EVEN CARE</b>
<br />
<br />Hey, I finally added an <a href="http://crossbowproject.blogspot.com/about.htm">about</a> page!
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2001776982003-04-21T12:00:00.000-07:002003-04-21T12:00:03.396-07:00<b>HOPE YOU HAD A HAPPY...WHATEVER</b>
<br />
<br />Yesterday was some sort of a holiday, I guess. This being a secular society, I've never been quite sure what it is we were supposed to be celebrating yesterday. Here at TCP headquarters, my wife and I celebrated the first Sunday after the full moon following the vernal equinox with the usual fertility rites of coloring eggs, worshipping rabbits and eating copious amounts of chocolate, in honor of Pan, I suppose, or some such deity. Then we ate a traditional meal consisting of a main course of ham...for some reason. And then we, um, well, performed more fertility rites. Then I watched <i>Six Feet Under</i> while she read a book. I don't think that had anything to do with anything, but I thought I'd mention it in case someone knew anything.
<br />
<br />Target was closed yesterday. What the fuck?
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2001609552003-04-17T06:39:00.000-07:002003-04-17T06:44:58.000-07:00<b>OH DEAR, OH DEAR</b>
<br />
<br />Ok, let me get this straight. We spent the last year or so trying to convince the world that Saddam Hussein's regime had weapons of mass destruction. We sent in inspectors, made speeches at the UN, and built up our military presence. When none of that worked, and Saddam never turned over his WMD, and the inspectors never found any WMD, we invaded the country and toppled Saddam's regime to get rid of the WMD that he must have been hiding.
<br />
<br />The war is over, so now we need to rebuild Iraq. Since we feel like we shouldn't have to ask the US taxpayers to do it alone, we're <a href="http://apnews.excite.com/article/20030417/D7QF7N181.html">asking the UN</a> to remove its sanctions on Iraq so that some oil money can start flowing in. If you recall, the UN sanctions are in place because the US and the other members of the Security Council were all convinced that Iraq had WMD. Once we took over the country, we looked around and so far we haven't found any WMD. So, what that means is, the US is now in the position of trying to convince the UN that Iraq <i>doesn't</i> have any weapons of mass destruction, so that they will lift the sanctions.
<br />
<br />I've got it. I think. Hey, did that rabbit just check its watch?
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2001569212003-04-16T10:24:00.000-07:002003-04-16T10:27:59.000-07:00<b>WHERE'S THE OTHER SHOE?</b>
<br />
<br />The war is over. The threat level has been reduced to yellow. It's 80° and sunny out. I'll be attending my fourth baseball game in the last two weeks tonight. The new Christopher Guest movie is out. I hate to say this, but, I think I'm...happy.
<br />
<br />I don't trust it. Not for a second.
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3865438.post-2001421762003-04-13T17:56:00.000-07:002003-04-13T18:01:00.000-07:00<b>MOST SOMETHING, ANYWAY</b>
<br />
<br /><i>Malibu's Most Wanted</i>, the new film from Warner Brothers opening Friday, has earned the distinction of being the 1,000th Hollywood feature film to portray a white guy acting black. The coveted award nearly went to Touchstone Pictures <i>Bringing Down The House</i>, which, due to a clerical error, was released a few weeks earlier. Warner Brothers Studio chief Dan Fellman was thrilled at receiving the honor. "It's not every day you can make history, and we are so proud. We knew we had a chance when this picture was in production, and we thought we had blown it there for a while, but when that other movie came out, well, we were surprised and happy." Fellman went on, "We at Warner Brothers have done a lot to advance the white guy acting black genre through the years, so we felt it was fitting and appropriate that it would be us to get number 1000. Still, when it happens, you're in awe a little bit."
<br />
<br />Hollywood starts on its next millennium of white guy acting black films this summer with Fox's <i>Barbershop 2, In Utah</i>
<br />Timhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04799640289784224522noreply@blogger.com