The Crossbow Project

2003-11-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

MOVIN' ON

Please click here for The New Crossbow Project.

2003-05-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

2003-05-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

NOTHING EVER LASTS FOREVER...

Well, nude celebrity photo searchers, The Crossbow Project has far outlived its useful purpose, whatever that was, and will be cyber-expunged come next Tuesday. I've long ago run out of anything resembling creativity, and the thought of posting any more of this warmed-over imbecility makes me cringe with disgust. I'll continue to check out the sites of the few people who read this on any sort of semi-regular basis, and many others who don't, since they possess far more aptitude for this medium than I do, but my blogging days have ended. I appreciate any and all support I've received, and I'll leave you with this appropriate soundtrack to my farewell.

2003-05-21T05:54:00.000-07:00

ANNIKA SORENSTAM NUDE!

No, idiots, I don't have photos of Annika Sorenstam nude. What are you, retarded? No, even a retarded, I mean specially able, person would know that Annika Sorenstam has never posed for nude photographs. So you must be so completely addicted to porn that every synapse in your addled little mind thinks that anyone whose name appears in a newspaper or who is on TV must, in some sort of fame initiation rite, have a portfolio of nude photos taken. Well, let me tell ya, kids, it just isn't true. It especially isn't true with female professional golfers, and it really, really especially isn't true with Annika Sorenstam.

Now, Annika did appear in Sports Illustrated in the February 24, 2003 issue in her underwear, but that's as close as you're gonna get. I know how difficult it must be for your porn-clouded mind to be able to find a copy of this magazine, so I'm going to help you out. It says "Sports Illustrated" in big letters on the cover, and there is a picture of a bunch of guys in Anaheim Angels uniforms playing baseball. Also, Annika is not in her underwear right on the cover. You have to turn the pages. I forget which page it's on, but try somewhere near the middle. If you are coming down off the porn high, and you have a few extra brain cells to devote to the task, you can try the table of contents and look for a story about "Annika Sorenstam". It will tell you which page number the story is on. Then you can use the little numbers on the bottom of each page to find the pictures of Annika in her underwear.

I happen to actually have in my possession a copy of this Sports Illustrated issue. It can be yours for only $5,000, but you have to somehow manage to send me an e-mail and then send me a money order for the full amount, which I doubt very strongly you'll be able to do, since you are probably already in debt up to your ears from subscribing to a few hundred hard-core porn sites with your credit card. But it's available if you want it. You freaks.

2003-05-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

BILLIONS AND BILLIONS SERVED

We're back from Rochester. Let me just say, Physics students are not necessarily of our species. I can vouch for my niece, who is really an Astronomy student, but as for the rest of them, it's anybody's guess.

The photo above is of the Rush Rhees Library on the campus of the University of Rochester, also known by UR students as "the Nipple of Knowledge", where the commencement was held on Sunday. My niece received her Bachelor of Arts Degree in Astronomy with a minor in Film Studies, which nearly guarantees her a spot in the burgeoning food and beverage service industry, at least for a while. If you have a need for a young lady who can produce an engaging television documentary on the Properties of Local Hydrodynamic and Magnetohydrodynamic Turbulence in Differentially Rotating Systems, please use the above e-mail link, and I'll pass the information on to her.

If you happened to be on or near Interstate 476 at about 10-11:30 PM Sunday night, that was me doing Mach 3.6. Sorry for the sonic booms.

2003-05-16T10:39:00.000-07:00

PULL MY FINGER LAKES

The missus and I are traveling to Rochester, NY this weekend to attend my niece's college graduation. One of my brothers and two of my sisters will be there, and I can't decide whether to make cheeky references to Jack Benny's chauffeur or Jane Eyre's employer-turned-lover to show how witty and sophisticated I am.

Ah fuck it. I'll just tell a few fart jokes. That usually works.

2003-05-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

TUBE STEAK BOOGIE

Below is the text of an ad (as far as I can remember it) that runs at least three times per game on every Phillies radio broadcast:

MAN: Come on, throw it in there!

(crowd cheering, Announcer voice-over for Hatfield Phillies Franks)

MAN: Put some mustard on it, will ya?

(more cheering, more Announcer voice-over)

MAN: What a dog!

WOMAN: Knock it off, Fred! The neighbors will call the police...again.

PLEASE, MAKE IT STOP! Three times per game times 162 games, that's 486 times total. You figure I listen to parts of 50 games on the radio every year, so that's 150 times this year I might end up hearing this putrescent ode to processed pork with distinct overtones of domestic violence. I'll pay good money if you can make it stop. I'm not joking. E-mail me today.

2003-05-14T05:34:00.000-07:00

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO MAKE UP

I knew the New York Times editorial integrity was slipping a bit, but today's issue is ridiculous.

Howell Raines, have you no shame?

2003-05-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

SCAM SPAM

From my inbox:

My Dear,

My name is Musa Ahrey the son of Dakoba Ahrey, I am still a student of University of Lagos, Please I want you to help me in doing one thing for me. My late father deposited the sum of U$20Million with a local bank here in Nigeria (GLOBAL BANK NIG PLC), my late father wanted to send the money to his friend in USA unlucky for him he died and right now I don't know my father's friend address. All I want you to do for me is to send your account where the money will be transferred as the owner of the money. My dear I have decided to share the money as follows 50% for me 40% to my business partner while 10% will be for you as my eyes over there.

Isn't that just a touching story? Poor kid. As it happens, my bank account is, uh, at the dry cleaners. So, come on TCP readership, let's help Musa out! Send me your bank account number, with the routing transit number, and I'll contact Musa and have him deposit the 20 Million smackers in there today. Pretty soon, you'll be pulling out of the Jaguar dealership with some new wheels after you get your share of the loot.

And that "My Dear" thing has absolutely nothing to do with that week I spent in Lagos when I was in college. Musa is just a friend, I swear.

2003-05-13T06:51:00.000-07:00

DIRTY BLOG

When I heard about this, I thought I'd follow suit.

THIS IS A DRILL! THIS IS ONLY A DRILL!

If this had been an actual blog entry, it might have been somewhat funny, and you might have been directed to link to it. Please ignore it as you normally would, and continue searching for information on the CROSSBOW HOME GYM or the BOWFLEX HOME GYM or KAREN GRASSLE NUDE or whatever.

Thank you for your cooperation, from the Department of Blogland Security.

2003-05-10T05:57:00.000-07:00

GOOGLE IS GOOD, BUT NOT THAT GOOD

Actual referral from my referrals page:

I understand the sentiment, dude, but really, how is Google going to know who your sister-in-law is? Names, we need names! Try again, and let me know how it goes.

2003-05-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

TOP TEN NEW HONG KONG TOURISM SLOGAN IDEAS

Hong Kong recently had to scrap plans to introduce their new tourism slogan, "Hong Kong Takes Your Breath Away" in light of the SARS epidemic. Here's what they've come up with so far as a replacement:

10. That Surgical Mask Becomes You!

9. Come To The Hacking, Phlegming, Aching, Fevery Jewel Of The Orient

8. Visit For The Scenery, Stay For The Hospitals

7. A Vacation To Remember...If You Live

6. All The Codeine You Want!

5. What Better Place To Get Quarantined?

4. Chow Yun Fat and Jackie Chan Dare You To Visit, You Bunch Of Wussies

3. Only a 5% Death Rate, Better Than The Bronx

2. Make Medical History!

And the Number 1 new Hong Kong tourism slogan idea is:

1. Hong Kong: Flu-ey!!!!

2003-05-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

NEO NAZI

I can't tell if I hate everything having to do with The Matrix Reloaded, or if it's just the machines controlling my brain that are making me think I do.

2003-05-06T08:39:00.000-07:00

JOAN OF DORK

Speaking of music, what is the deal with this new Joan Armatrading song, "Lovers Speak"? The lyrics read "I want to learn the language of love/ I want to learn how to flirt". Jeez, Joan, how old are you anyway? You have to be over 50. You're a Member of the Freakin' British Empire for crying out loud. You really ought to get out more. My wife used to teach 7th and 8th grade girls in South Philly who were juggling a half dozen boyfriends each, maybe you can ask them.

2003-05-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

MUSIC TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE CONSUMER

Recently, I've noticed that nearly every time I go to the grocery store, or the mall, or to a sporting event, invariably, I will hear a song which is on a CD that I actually own. For the first few times, this was quite pleasing. "Hey," I would say to my wife, "they're playing the BoDeans, from 'Home'! I own that. How cool is that?" Then, something finally occurred to me. The world is not suddenly catching up to my hip musical esthetic. What's happening is, I am getting old. The music I liked when I was young is now so completely vanilla and unthreatening that it's being played to general audiences to put them in a positive mood so that they will buy things.

So later, I bought an iPod and stored my entire CD collection on it so I could listen to it while at the gym, and ever since, I can't stop buying more stuff. Stuff I don't even need, too, like a wi-fi card for the PocketPC I never use, and the Odd Todd Handbook. I've even memorized my Discover card number. You know, I really think I've stumbled on to a marketing bonanza here. If I can get people to listen to my iPod for an hour, they'll buy anything! Now I just need to market my CD collection to different retail outlets and ask for a percentage of the increased sales, and I'll be a wealthy man. Then I can finally get that Sharper Image Coca-Cola Wurlitzer Nostalgic Soda Machine I've had my eye on.

2003-05-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

THAT'S GOOD EATIN'

No hilarious blog entry today. Not that there ever is. Anyway, I spent most of the day explaining to a sales rep that our business is probably irretrievably lost to his competition, and that I didn't make the decision, and that the guy who made the decision hates his company. And he bought me lunch. So, it was a pretty good day.

For more on my feelings on vendor lunches, click here.

2003-05-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

CAN I GET THAT DIRECT DEPOSITED?

The Recording Industry Association of America has settled its lawsuits with four college students who offered thousands of copyrighted recordings for illegal downloading. The students agreed to pay sums ranging from $12,000 to $17,500.

In related news, the RIAA also announced that it would pay a lump sum of $100,000,000 to the record-buying public for releasing over a decade worth of Yanni, Kenny G, and John Tesh albums.

2003-04-29T12:41:00.000-07:00

KILLER FUNGI

An Army Cavalry platoon searching Iraq today may have found some chemical weapons. "Well, we're not sure what we've found. We'll have to do more testing," said Lt. Valerie Phipps. Lt. Phipps did elaborate that the items found are extremely obnoxious smelling, and could be used as part of a mobile bio-weapons program.

Click here to view a photo of the suspected lethal agents.

2003-04-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

THIS IS THE TITLE

I'm adding an entry now, because this is supposed to be a web log, as if I'm keeping a record of something. In this case, it's of my complete dearth of ideas. I've had a migraine the last two days, so coming up with blog ideas is about 1,247,432 on my "list". Not that I have a "list". I pretty much live from moment to moment. Especially when I have a migraine, when I wish every moment would be my last. I'm better now. But I still have nothing to say. Bye.

2003-04-23T11:45:00.000-07:00

C'EST LA GUERRE...OOPS, I MEAN...NEVER MIND

The New York Times revealed (login req'd) yesterday that the Bush re-election team will be going after leading Democratic Presidential contender Sen. John Kerry by alleging, among other things, that he "looks French". What the story failed to mention is that the Bush team has a list of other strategies for the remainder of the Democratic field.

John Edwards: "John" sounds like "Jean". Too French.
Dick Gephardt: "Dick" reminds everyone of the French love for sex.
Joe Lieberman: German name. Plus, as a bonus, he's Jewish, so he helped kill our Lord and Saviour (use last one only in the South and maybe Utah).
Howard Dean: Comes from Vermont. "Vermont" is French for Green Mountain. They must be crawling with 'em up there.
Bob Graham: Graham crackers must be French. They are used in fancy pies and stuff.
Carole Mosely Braun: Looks too much like Josephine Baker.
Dennis Kucinich: Um, been seen eating French fries. Who cares?
Al Sharpton: Right. As if we need a strategy. Our strategy is his hairdo.

2003-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

LIKE YOU EVEN CARE

Hey, I finally added an about page!

2003-04-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOPE YOU HAD A HAPPY...WHATEVER

Yesterday was some sort of a holiday, I guess. This being a secular society, I've never been quite sure what it is we were supposed to be celebrating yesterday. Here at TCP headquarters, my wife and I celebrated the first Sunday after the full moon following the vernal equinox with the usual fertility rites of coloring eggs, worshipping rabbits and eating copious amounts of chocolate, in honor of Pan, I suppose, or some such deity. Then we ate a traditional meal consisting of a main course of ham...for some reason. And then we, um, well, performed more fertility rites. Then I watched Six Feet Under while she read a book. I don't think that had anything to do with anything, but I thought I'd mention it in case someone knew anything.

Target was closed yesterday. What the fuck?

2003-04-17T06:39:00.000-07:00

OH DEAR, OH DEAR

Ok, let me get this straight. We spent the last year or so trying to convince the world that Saddam Hussein's regime had weapons of mass destruction. We sent in inspectors, made speeches at the UN, and built up our military presence. When none of that worked, and Saddam never turned over his WMD, and the inspectors never found any WMD, we invaded the country and toppled Saddam's regime to get rid of the WMD that he must have been hiding.

The war is over, so now we need to rebuild Iraq. Since we feel like we shouldn't have to ask the US taxpayers to do it alone, we're asking the UN to remove its sanctions on Iraq so that some oil money can start flowing in. If you recall, the UN sanctions are in place because the US and the other members of the Security Council were all convinced that Iraq had WMD. Once we took over the country, we looked around and so far we haven't found any WMD. So, what that means is, the US is now in the position of trying to convince the UN that Iraq doesn't have any weapons of mass destruction, so that they will lift the sanctions.

I've got it. I think. Hey, did that rabbit just check its watch?

2003-04-16T10:24:00.000-07:00

WHERE'S THE OTHER SHOE?

The war is over. The threat level has been reduced to yellow. It's 80° and sunny out. I'll be attending my fourth baseball game in the last two weeks tonight. The new Christopher Guest movie is out. I hate to say this, but, I think I'm...happy.

I don't trust it. Not for a second.

2003-04-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

MOST SOMETHING, ANYWAY

Malibu's Most Wanted, the new film from Warner Brothers opening Friday, has earned the distinction of being the 1,000th Hollywood feature film to portray a white guy acting black. The coveted award nearly went to Touchstone Pictures Bringing Down The House, which, due to a clerical error, was released a few weeks earlier. Warner Brothers Studio chief Dan Fellman was thrilled at receiving the honor. "It's not every day you can make history, and we are so proud. We knew we had a chance when this picture was in production, and we thought we had blown it there for a while, but when that other movie came out, well, we were surprised and happy." Fellman went on, "We at Warner Brothers have done a lot to advance the white guy acting black genre through the years, so we felt it was fitting and appropriate that it would be us to get number 1000. Still, when it happens, you're in awe a little bit."

Hollywood starts on its next millennium of white guy acting black films this summer with Fox's Barbershop 2, In Utah

2003-04-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

AS SEEN IN SOLDIER OF FORTUNE

2003-04-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

LEAVING SO SOON?

The Houston trip is almost over. Finally. Today, an old co-worker from my former job canceled dinner plans on me because of a work-related emergency. Aside from that, it was more of the same Camp Gitmo-style torture in the training class, which mercifully ended an hour early. Then a con man tried to get my money. It was quite a final day to a memorable sojourn.

The con man was pretty slick, although he didn't have much stick-to-it-ive-ness. He gunned his white rental car and screeched to a stop between me and the hotel room side door as I was bringing back my drive-through bar-b-cue (yes, they have that in Houston, and thank God). He emerged from the vehicle perfectly coiffed with a starched white shirt, suspenders and slacks, shook my hand, and started prattling on in a deep Texas drawl about how he is down here from Dallas and his credit card is maxed out. I simply said, "No, I can't help you, sorry," and he was on his way to another potential stooge. I quickly scurried to my hotel room to await the next bit of strangeness. Nothing so far, although I have until 7:55 AM tomorrow morning.

You think 12 hours is too much time to wait in the airport?

2003-04-09T05:40:00.000-07:00

HOUSTON, WE HAVE BOREDOM

Day 3 brought yet another very long day of training. It turns out that the woman who got up and left early yesterday had wet clothes. She had taken another co-worker back to their hotel during a break because he was sick, and it had been raining heavily at the time. She sat there in the class in silent discomfort for about an hour until she just couldn't take anymore. Very odd.

This episode inadvertently led me to having to take in an Astros game alone. I had bought four tickets when I knew I was coming to Houston, in the hopes that I could get three of my classmates to go with me. The guy who was sick and another female co-worker, not the one with the wet clothing, had indicated that they wanted to go, but when the guy got sick, the woman decided, I suppose, that a night out with me would be less preferable than sitting alone watching TV in a medium priced hotel room in a strange city, which is not a unique appraisal. I don't mind watching baseball games alone, but it's becoming too much of a habit. I think I am the only baseball fan left, sometimes. The 18,547 idiots at Minute Maid Park last night hardly qualify. You can build the people of Houston a beautiful new ballpark, but they still can't show up on time, sit the fuck down and watch the damn game.

Well, it looks like Saddam has joined the choir invisible. His head will be shortly on its way to Kennebunkport to be presented to George H.W. Bush in a bizarre Yale Skull and Bones ritual. And now the real fun starts. Not here of course. I'll be on an uncomfortable flight back to my usual boring life all too soon.

Late note: Paula Zahn is interviewing embedded journalist Luke Hunt on CNN. I thought she said something else when she introduced him by his full name.

2003-04-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

THE HOUSTON CHRONICLES, CONTINUED

Ok, try this three-word phrase on for size: Strip Mall Churches. That's Houston.

Also, you have the Irresistible Force of Arctic Air Conditioning ever doing battle with the Immovable Object of Stifling Arm Pit Humidity.

My fellow trainees are feeling about as frisky for this class as I am. Today I witnessed the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. With about 5 minutes left in one of the longest days I've ever endured, one of my classmates inexplicably started packing up her things and simply left, while the instructor was in mid-sentence. Another woman in the class had ridden with the first woman from their hotel, so she had no choice but to leave also. The rest of us looked at each other, a bit stunned. The instructor, faced with a mutiny, simply stopped talking and said, "OK, see you tomorrow." Sheer brilliance. If only she had done it 20 minutes earlier.

2003-04-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

JUNKET BONDING

I'm writing this in a hotel room in Houston, a city that is a diverse, cosmopolitan mecca of commerce, and also a sprawling, garish, Southern white-trash, Christian Coalition hick town at the same time. And it seems very comfortable in its own peculiar skin. I'm here for a training class, which I intend to mentally process the same way I do reruns of "Wings", which is to say, with extremely detached and very, very slight amusement. So, basically, it's a junket, a chance to escape the mundanity of my normal work week for another, slightly different mundanity in another city.

So far, it's been fun. I was greeted by a wake-up cockroach in my bathtub, which is always a nice touch. The high-speed Internet connection is working, which it should considering you could pay about a hundred migrant workers to hand carry notes back and forth to their destinations for the amount of money they are charging.

I should mention that I once lived in the suburbs of Houston for six years, so this is also a homecoming of sorts. It should give me a chance to connect with some old friends and see the old places, all of which I will probably forego to look at porn on the Spectravision.

More later as my adventure unfolds. Now, where's that remote?

2003-04-05T09:05:00.000-08:00

JUST HELPING OUT

Remember, everyone, tomorrow is the end of Daylight Savings Time, so turn your clocks back! This year, of course, due to war restrictions, Department of The Homeland Bill Ridge has asked us to turn the clocks back 2 hours, to help save on foreign oil imports. So Spring Back everybody!!! And make sure to check the batteries in your George Foreman grill, just in case.

2003-04-04T12:56:00.000-08:00

DESPERATION HAS SET IN

Ok, I'm so hard up for blog fodder, I've resorted to the Friday Five. However, I'm going to let Iraqi Information Minister Muhammad Said al-Sahhaf answer the questions for me.

1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?

"The Infidels will perish if they continue to occupy our land. Allah has allowed us glorious victories in this marvelous jihad."

2. Which was your favorite and why?

"We will continue until utter defeat of the evil invaders has been completed. Allah is great."

3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?

"Our great and glorious leader, Saddam Hussein, has decreed that all Iraqis should fight in the streets to repel the hordes of vile zionists."

4. What's more important, location or price?

"Allah has given us favor on the battefield, and he will continue to shine on us."

5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?

"Oh, I'd like a nice Corian countertop, and possibly a humidor. Allah is great."

2003-04-03T16:45:00.000-08:00

IF IT DOESN'T WORK FOR US, MAKE IT WORK AGAINST THEM

Once again, because there are tumbleweeds rolling through the space where ideas should be coming from, more e-mail from Texas:

This one is particularly salient, because the conservatives here took their own insipid slogan from the War on Drugs, which failed utterly and is still failing every day, and turned it against everyone's favorite loony leftist, as if Martin Sheen is any threat to the Christian Right Drive for Hegemony. Next up: Don Rumsfeld vs. Ed Begley, Jr.!

2003-04-03T05:46:00.000-08:00

IT'S JUST A DUMB MOVIE REFERENCE, PEOPLE!

This is not what I had in mind.

Sorry for not posting much lately. It's a combination of anticipation of a business trip next week, some actual work going on here, and, uh, a complete lack of ideas. And war overload. And the baseball season starting. And the realization that, maybe, just maybe, I'm not the only person with an allegedly snarky web log, and that most people who stop by here are looking for information on the CROSSBOW HOME GYM or KAREN GRASSLE NUDE!!!! Had to get that in. By the way, it's highly debatable whether Karen Grassle even showers in the nude, let alone has her photo taken so that it can posted on the Internet, so, you know, what the fuck is wrong with you morons?

That is all.

2003-03-31T05:12:00.000-08:00

BYE, JINGO?

As I do many Sundays, I parked in front of the television watching sports yesterday. There was a full bill of fare, including the men's college basketball tournament, the Players Championship golf tournament, and the first major championship of the Women's golf tour this season, the Kraft Nabisco Championship. The Kraft Nabisco Championship particularly intrigued me for two reasons, one being the presence of the 6-foot tall, 13-year-old Michelle Wie, who can outdrive all the adult women on the tour, and the expected battle between two-time defending champion Annika Sorenstam and the Frenchwoman Patricia Meunier-Lebouc. I watched the final pairing of Sorenstam and Meunier-Lebouc very closely, looking to see if any of the yokels in the crowd would give the Frenchwoman a hard time. This was, after all, Rancho Mirage, CA, near Palm Springs, also known as the place that elected Sonny Bono to Congress.

Much to my delight and surprise, everyone acted like perfect gentlemen and ladies, and when Meunier-Lebouc unexpectedly outdueled Sorenstam and brought a two-shot lead to the final hole, the gallery at the 18th, mostly consisting of corporate executives, old geezers, and various other People of Ungodly Wealth, i.e., Republicans, stood and cheered as the final group walked past. After Meunier-Lebouc finally tapped in the winning putt, once again the crowd exulted, and then urged the French champion to uphold the long tradition of jumping into the pond near the final green. After signing her scorecard, Patricia, along with her husband and her caddy, merrily obliged, and the throng once more cheered the soaking wet winner. It was a terrific scene and made for great television. For a brief moment, I was proud of the American sports spectator, who had put aside feelings of nationalism, the fighting in Iraq, and the diplomatic situation with our ally, France, and had given this French citizen her due as the winner of this prestigious championship with all the fervor they could muster.

But then, I realized, they mostly wanted to see if her nipples would show through her blouse.

And after that, I realized, so did I. They didn't. So I switched over to the NCAA basketball tournament to check out the cheerleaders.

2003-03-28T16:32:00.000-08:00

YET EVEN MORE WAR-LARITY FROM TEXAS

Yes, this little Iraq conflict has its lighter moments, as my arch-conservative brother-in-law notes...

I thought you might enjoy this photograph of one of the US Air Force's latest high technology stealth fighter bomber aircraft. It's being prepared to depart for an "unnamed" air base in the Middle East. Of course it goes without saying that you should treat this picture as very confidential, and control any further unsecured distribution of it.

2003-03-27T17:20:00.000-08:00

MAMMA MIA

Seen on a t-shirt at the gym today: "I am an Italian Princess"

All I can say is, now I know why Italy got rid of their monarchy.

2003-03-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

EVEN MORE STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME

You know the drill.

This photo was debunked at snopes.com last October. Not that I care much for Daschle, but it's the principle of the thing.

2003-03-25T17:00:00.000-08:00

MORE STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME

In this continuing feature, here is another e-mail from my brother-in-law, who is "keeping it real" deep-in-a-hearta.

2003-03-24T12:37:00.000-08:00

MERCAPTAN OF INDUSTRY

My wife, seemingly along with the rest of a tired, weary nation, has finally succumbed to the Atkins Diet. Since I approach most things in my marriage much like the French approached World War II (quick surrender followed by a plucky underground resistance), I am also, for the time being, on the Atkins Diet. This particular regime entails the consumption of large amounts of protein and limited amounts of carbohydrates. To that end, we have been eating a significant amount of leafy and/or stalky green vegetables, such as asparagus. Asparagus has a unique property in that it can cause one's, how shall we say, urine, to, how shall we say, stink. Being an industrious sort, and armed with a high-speed link to a world of information, I discovered that the cause of the stinky pee is a chemical compound known as methyl mercaptan. This is the same compound that is mixed with natural gas so that if the gas starts to leak, a foul odor will be detected. Evidently, methyl mercaptan is a by-product of the digestion process, and accumulates in the bladder within minutes of eating the offending sprouts.

Furthermore, it seems that in a study done by someone whose donors have far more money than sense, only about 40% of all adults tested are capable of producing methyl mercaptan in their urine after eating asparagus, and an even smaller percentage can smell the methyl mercaptan they produce. Apparently, this "ability" is genetically determined.

Well, as you may have already gleaned, I'm a producer and a smeller. This is certainly one of the prouder moments of my life. Not only do I now have one recognizable talent, but two!

2003-03-22T13:02:00.000-08:00

WI THE FI?

I just got back from Starbucks, where I was testing out my new Wi-Fi wireless modem for my Pocket PC. It works great, but for some reason, I can't update TCP from there.

The fact that this really disappoints me, not to mention that I even tried it to begin with, I believe amply certifies me as one of the biggest geeks in the universe.

2003-03-22T10:55:00.000-08:00

STUFF MY RIGHT-WING TEXAN BROTHER-IN-LAW SENDS ME

My brother-in-law from Texas is a Texas A&M graduate who also works in the oil business. For some unfathomable reason, he e-mails me stuff. In what may just become a recurring item, because God knows I could use some ideas, here is a recent example:

Subject: Dixie Chicks In The News!

TCP, keeping watch on the pulse in the trenches of the man on the street in Middle America since, oh, this afternoon.

2003-03-21T12:37:00.000-08:00

SADDAM HAS LEFT THE BUILDING?

In what must be record time, a conspiracy theorist has already spotted possibly deceased Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein pumping gas into his car in the Western United States. "Yup, it was Saddam, all right," claimed unemployed welder Clyde Drucker of Winnemucca, Nevada. "I was picking up a Slurpee at the 7-11, and there was Hussein, filling up his Chrysler Le Baron with hi-test. Damnedest thing I ever saw."

Hussein may have been killed by a precision U.S. bombing raid on Wednesday night, but Drucker is hearing none of it. "Oh, come on, are you kidding me? That's what the government would like you to believe. First it was Roswell, then Elvis, and now this. But I seen him, I'm telling you. He was wearing jeans, an 'Old Navy' t-shirt, and snakeskin boots. Now how could I make that up?" The FBI and CIA have refused comment. "See?" asked Drucker.

2003-03-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

CHIEF WEAPONS INSPECTOR

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President earlier this week that the military would use "shock and awe" in its campaign against Saddm Hussein's regime.

Bush replied, "Oh, we're gonna send in Injun's? Good thinkin', Rummy. They're expendamable."

2003-03-19T10:17:00.000-08:00

MARCH MADNESS!

Ok, everybody, get your brackets and your entry fee back to me by tonight at 8 PM. I've filled in the first "casualty" already, for your convenience.

2003-03-17T14:53:00.000-08:00

IT'S OK. RUMSFELD WILL TELL US ALL WE NEED TO KNOW ANYWAY

All I can say for our intrepid network journalists is: Ernie Pyle and Ed Murrow they ain't.

2003-03-14T09:09:00.000-08:00

MEANWHILE AT NEVERLAND, MICHAEL JACKSON ASKS HIMSELF "WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?"

Gotta love those crazy Northwest flight attendants.

2003-03-12T05:17:00.000-08:00

TOP TEN WAYS TEXAS IS COMMEMORATING ITS 300TH EXECUTION

10. (Sorry. I screwed up and lost this audio file. Dammit.) Giant cake in the shape of "Old Sparky".

9. audblog audio post

8. audblog audio post

7. audblog audio post

6. audblog audio post

5. audblog audio post

4. audblog audio post

3. audblog audio post

2. audblog audio post

And the Number 1 way Texas is commemorating its 300th execution is:

1. audblog audio post

Well, that's it for audblog. If I ever get the urge to blow another nine bucks, please stop me.

2003-03-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

ONLY TEN MORE TO GO!!!

Sorry about that last one. This one is only slightly better, but there is something there as opposed to me taunting you. There are a few seconds of silence at the beginning, so don't stop it until the end.

audblog audio post

You don't know hard it was to synch up the synthesized voice with the beep on the audblog recorder. I must have spent 10 minutes trying to get it even that good.

2003-03-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

THE GREATEST AUDIO BLOG POST EVER

audblog audio post

Satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Only 11 left!

2003-03-07T11:18:00.001-08:00

SICK OF SIGMA

Sorry about not posting much this week. I've been assigned to a Six Sigma team. Despite the Greek-sounding name, it bears little resemblance to a fraternity, except for the vaguely satanic initiation rites. Actually, it's a systematic problem solving process popularized by Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, using many of the statistical methods of W. Edwards Demingzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry.

In other news, I still have 13 more audio blogs left. Make that 12.

audblog audio post

2003-03-04T04:46:00.000-08:00

SAILING TAKES ME AWAY

Switzerland, a country with no coastline, won the America's Cup this past weekend.

To fully comprehend the momentousness of this unlikely accomplishment, imagine if, for example, the Jamaicans had actually won the Olympic bobsled competition. Or if the Americans had won the International Cricket World Cup. Or, to get really crazy, if, say, Yasir Arafat and Henry Kissinger each won, for instance, a Nobel Peace Prize!!!

Oh. I guess it wasn't such a big deal after all.

2003-03-03T15:50:00.000-08:00

CAN YOU DO JACK NICHOLSON?

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has been captured in Pakistan. The FBI describes him as "a master of disguise". Here, take a look for yourself:

Wow. Let's see, he took off his shaikh headdress, put in some contacts, trimmed his beard, and put on a suit. Amazing! I can barely recognize him. No wonder the FBI had such a hard time finding him.

Now, here's Khaild's impression of a guy who's been beaten senseless for the last four or five hours:

Simply put, a tour de force in the art of masquerade. Bravo!

2003-03-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

HIS MASTER'S VOICE

audblog audio post

2003-02-27T11:13:00.000-08:00

ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD

Phillies......................1
Pirates......................0
Bottom 5th

Enough said.

2003-02-26T11:55:00.000-08:00

REFINERY WEEKLY NEWS & NOTES

Production: Yes
Safety: Some
Environmental: Not so much

WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST

The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.

HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS

As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.

NEWS YOU CAN USE

Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.

BLOOD DRIVE

WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.

ETHICS LINE
1-800-YEAH-RIGHT

"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"

2003-02-24T12:18:00.000-08:00

YO! SOUTH PHILLY SALUTES YA

Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.

"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."

After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."

"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.

2003-02-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

I THINK SHE'S TURNING JAPANESE, I REALLY THINK SO

Excuse me, but when did Valerie Bertinelli become Asian?

Just wondering...

2003-02-19T19:13:00.000-08:00

NOW YOU KNOW WHY THOSE ACTRESSES TRY TO STAY SO SKINNY

No, this isn't real, just some fun I had with Microsoft Paint. Seems pretty plausible though, doesn't it?

2003-02-16T17:29:00.000-08:00

THIS JUST IN...IT'S SNOWING

I've coined a new term for the ceaseless, breathless coverage of winter storms on the Philadelphia TV news shows: The Snowgasm.

Kathy Orr must have broken in 5 times during Tiger Woods' sleepwalk to another golf championship to tell us...what, exactly? "We have a live camera on Center City, and there's still this collection of white, fluffy wet objects falling from the sky! It's like, been doing this for hours! Don't go outside!! Don't drive your cars!!! One to two feet are expected and, uh, uhhh, UHHHH, UHHHHH!!!!!! OH YES! OH MY GOD YES!!!!"

This stuff is even worse during sweeps month, which it happens to be right now. They know we're all trapped in our houses, and we all have this morbid fascination with seeing news reporters suffer hypothermia standing out in the cold, so this is an absolute ratings bonanza. They can all practically count their overtime checks and bonuses. If the storm lasts much longer, I fully expect to see a sports guy and a Sunday female anchor in flagrante delicto in a snow bank on 4th and Chestnut. This just in! indeed.

2003-02-13T06:51:00.000-08:00

IT'S OFFICIAL: I SUCK!

Well, the votes are in, and by a 2 to 1 margin, you hate me!

I'd like to thank my mother, for raising me to be such a putz, and the two people who voted for me, or rather against me.

And for the person who voted for me...what's your problem? Can't you recognize putrescence when you see it?

2003-02-13T06:01:00.000-08:00

FOR HIS MANY FANS

It's...SIMON COWELL NUDE!

Yeah, I know, I've done this joke twice before. I'm busy, OK?

2003-02-13T04:40:00.000-08:00

DON'T WORRY, BEE HAPPY

Hey, everybody! It's St. Modomnoc's Day! That's right. I'm sure you know the whole story, but I'll tell it anyway. St. Modomnoc was an Irish bishop and a disciple of St. David of Wales. Sometimes called Domnoc or Dominic, he was a member of the royal Irish family of O’Neil and ended his years as a hermit at Tibraghny in Kilkenny. When Modomnoc returned to Wales after studying with St. David, swarms of bees left Scotland to follow him, thus supposedly being introduced to Ireland.

So, get out there and buy some honey! Or, you know, visit a bee hive. Or whatever. Or you can follow the "swarm" tomorrow and succumb to the pressure of the greeting card, floral, and chocolate industry. And did you realize that St. Valentine's actual feast day is January 7th? What's up with that?

2003-02-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

GIVE ME SOME MONEY

Oh, yeah, also, it's pledge week at not one, but two public radio stations here in Philly.

...

What do you think, network bandwidth is free? Pony up some dough, you ingrates! This is some high quality, well, not exactly comedy, but somewhat amusing observational, well, not quite humor, but, oh, whatever. PayPal will be fine.

2003-02-06T08:20:00.000-08:00

QUICK ETHICAL QUESTION

Ok, which of these two kinds of people is slathered with more K-Y jelly on the express slide down to Hell?

a. Someone who would sell Space Shuttle Columbia debris on e-Bay

or

b. Someone who would buy Space Shuttle Columbia debris on e-Bay?

Please discuss and get back to me.

2003-02-04T09:09:00.000-08:00

STILL TIED UP, BUT NOT LIKE THAT CHICK ON "JOE MILLIONAIRE"

I'm all better now after the illness I contracted during training class. Ok, it wasn't an illness, it was a cold, but it could have been an illness if it had applied itself. Right now, I'm waiting for some guy from Seattle to show up and install some software. While I'm waiting, I'm trying to check out a video from Tatu, a teen singing group in the UK which has been banned from "Top Of The Pops" for being "pedo-pop". You know, when I hear about censorship in any form, I simply need to investigate for myself to determine the important relevant issues, and this case is certainly no exception. In fact, this is whatever the opposite of an exception is.

Ok, I saw it. Imagine Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One Time" only not as old looking, with a female friend of the same age, making out in the rain in some sort of open air prison cell. Um, has R. Kelly seen this? I wouldn't let him watch it if I were the authorities. I mean, even I think this should be banned. Yeesh.

2003-01-31T15:41:00.000-08:00

I WIN

Remember that time you were really, really sick? I feel worse.

Don't even bother. I'm sicker than you were. Get over it.

2003-01-27T10:44:00.000-08:00

SEE YOU...WHENEVER

I've got absolutely nothing today, but I did want to let you know, my little Crossbow Home Gym searchers, that I will be out of commission for at least the rest of this week and possibly for some time after that. We're putting in a new software application, and I'll be at training this week and working on the installation next week and thereafter until we get done. That's right, I have ... work (lightning bolt, thunder clap, and sound of scary organ music) to do. Yuck. I may be able to lend you my pithy observations here and there over the next few weeks, but for the most part, you'll have to make do with...the entire rest of the Internet. I know it will be difficult, but together, somehow, we'll manage.

2003-01-24T12:04:00.000-08:00

TO ALL MY WEIDERS

As I was castigated by one of my accidental readers yesterday, there is in fact such a thing as a "Crossbow Home Gym". The reason I mention the "Crossbow Home Gym", other than to attract more accidental readers, is to say that I'm pretty skeptical about the "Crossbow Home Gym". I used to own a Soloflex, which is the "Crossbow Home Gym" with rubber bands instead of tubes, and here's pretty much how that went down:

- I bought the Soloflex for more money than I'd ever seen in one place.
- The Soloflex arrived in three or four cardboard boxes which weighed slightly more than Jupiter.
- I found a nice spot in my apartment and put the Soloflex together, which burned about 3500 calories by itself.
- My landlord stopped by and told me to move the Soloflex, because it was on a carpet and he said it would get the carpet greasy. The Soloflex is made of steel and has no grease anywhere on it. My landlord was and surely still is a certifiable knucklehead.
- I moved the Soloflex to a less desirable location, burning another 3500 calories.
- I used the Soloflex 3 times a week for 12 weeks, just like it says in the directions. Well, maybe 2 times a week some weeks. Well, since I had to stick it in a spare bedroom with no access to a TV or stereo system, and oh yeah, I'm really, really LAZY, I kinda stopped using it altogether on some weeks. Ok, every week.
- I put the Soloflex back in the cardboard boxes (3500 more calories!).
- I sold the Soloflex for an amount of money I was eminently familiar with.

For all my troubles, I burned about 10,500 calories putting it together, moving it, and taking it apart, plus the few hundred I burned actually using it as intended. I'm thinking the "Crossbow Home Gym" would yield similar results, except I now own instead of rent, so the calories expended would drop by 3500.

And, of course, I'd miss all those warm, wonderful, kind, and thoughtful people down at my health club...

2003-01-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

YOU'LL READ IT AND LIKE IT!

Let's see...

Nothing humorously interesting has happened to me in the last few weeks. I am not currently angry about anything. The news is a relentless drumbeat of depressing sameness. It's too cold to go watch movies or otherwise leave the house. Television has settled into a fragmented patchwork of lame reality shows, bad sitcoms, derivative cop shows, and endless cable re-runs. My football teams have been eliminated from contention. Baseball is weeks away. I am deep in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. The book I am reading is leaden and lifeless. Work is...work.

Nope. You ain't gettin' no blog entry today!

Except for that cop-out above, of course. Boy, I must be the only blogger campaigning for negative Blizg votes.

2003-01-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

D.I.Y.

Write your own joke:

The Bush Administration wants to administer literacy tests to pre-school children who take part in the federal Head Start program.

Here's one: The tests will be rolled out as soon as they find one that the President can pass.

Submit yours today!

2003-01-21T12:19:00.000-08:00

TOP TEN '"AL SHARPTON FOR PRESIDENT" CAMPAIGN SLOGANS

10. "Nuttier Than Alan Keyes, With Half The Integrity"
9. "OK, White America, If It Makes You Feel Any Better, Tawana Lied. Can We Move On Now?"
8. "Elect Me, And Nicole's Real Killer Will Be Found"
7. "More Controversial Than Jesse Jackson, With Half The Vocabulary"
6. "If Elected, I'll Make Don King An Ambassador, So At Least We'll Get Rid Of Him"
5. "I Will Help The Downtrodden, Like Michael Jackson"
4. "I'm Smarter Than Bush, And I Even Look Better In A Cowboy Hat"
3. "I'm Not Hillary"
2. "If I'm Still Too Fat, No Problem, Just Throw Me In Jail Again"

And the Number 1 "Al Sharpton For President" campaign slogan is:

1. "At Least You're Paying Attention To Me"

2003-01-20T17:31:00.000-08:00

WOULD I LIE?

Sorry, no entry today. I was kind of busy at work, as revolting as that sounds. However, if you look through my past entries, you will discover:

a. The key to Revelations
b. The Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe
c. The missing 18-1/2 minutes of the Nixon Watergate tapes, and the identity of Deep Throat
d. The end of split ends forever!

So get digging!

2003-01-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

DAVID MANNING: "LOVED IT, UH, THEM, WHATEVER!"

In an unprecedented move, the films "National Security" and "Kangaroo Jack" agreed to merge, forming the film "National Jack".

Columbia Pictures and Warner Brothers, which released the two films, agreed to the merger yesterday after analyzing data from advanced screenings. "We've established that the two films have essentially the same story, the same characters, and the same theme, and are equally as lousy, and that it would be foolish to show the films separately in twice as many theaters as they can support," said a spokesman.

According to the merger agreement drawn up by the two parties, the merger will be accomplished by editing .466 frames of "National Security" in with every frame of "Kangaroo Jack". "Kangaroo Jack" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer added, "I was actually thinking of moving the whole thing to Los Angeles and hiring Martin Lawrence to play the Kangaroo, so this move is really the best of all possible worlds."

The two companies have announced that synergies from combining the two films could run into the tens of millions.

2003-01-16T05:16:00.000-08:00

DO NOT READ THIS

Ever wnder what it's lke to have a migraine? Well, it's kinda like
this. You have this blind spot on your fierld of vision and you
pretty much can't form proper senternces and you
talk gibber ish and you feel like you're gonna
die reallt soon and you just
as soon would rather go
to bed and your head is ponding
and you are dizzy and trust me
it basically kinda sucks and I would't
reccommend it to any one, frankly.

2003-01-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

CBT ME

Things I like about computer-based training:

- Very easy to turn it off and read "The Onion" instead.
- Hard to obsess over the instructor's bald spot.
- No uncomfortable conversation about the Iraqi situation with the hotel shuttle driver.
- Temptation to eat 27 Krispy Kreme Chocolate Iced donuts in one morning is nearly non-existent.
- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel.

Things I don't like about computer-based training:

- No tent cards. I don't really like tent cards, I just like saying "tent cards".
- No complimentary bars of soap, bottles of shampoo, towels, bedspreads, clock radios, TV's (boy, are they hard to pack, and I always forget to take the remote), etc.
- No "return from business trip" sex.
- Missing of Free Continental Breakfast.
- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel. I have my moods.

2003-01-14T08:33:00.000-08:00

AT LEAST IT'LL BE WARM IN FRONT OF THE TV

At 12 Noon, I will be logging on to buy Eagles NFC Championship Game tickets. I figure I ought to see some of the most obscure and bewildering messages for why I can't access the Ticketmaster server. I will post them here in this space later today after my quest is thwarted by various ticket brokers who have hired hackers to stage what are sure to become dueling Denial Of Service attacks.

UPDATE: It was pretty anti-climactic. All I got were blank screens, and the little blue progress thingy on the bottom of the browser, until about 12:12, when there was a message that tickets were no longer available. C'est la guerre.

2003-01-13T09:40:00.000-08:00

MILLIONS VOLUNTEER TO CONDUCT STRIP SEARCH

The crack journalists at Reuters have committed countless funds and man-hours to the question that has been plaguing the world for months. Their tentative answer: No.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer released a statement today saying the President has no comment on the conclusions, but that the Clinton Administration should be blamed for "coddling" on this issue, and for "putting us in the position we are today." "We could know better, and we should know better, and if anyone could have obtained the information, it was Bill Clinton," said Fleischer.

I have also conducted my own exhaustive web search for evidence, which took up most of the morning, examining hundreds of examples of forensic photography, and to this point, I have to agree with Reuters. But if you think I'm giving up that easily, that's where you are mistaken. The search will continue until all possible leads have been followed. In fact, this investigation should promise to make Hans Blix' little operation look like a Girl Scout scavenger hunt.

2003-01-09T05:25:00.000-08:00

NOT IN THE MOOD TODAY

Sorry, folks. No lame attempt at humor today. A work acquaintance of mine died yesterday on the US Airways Express plane that crashed in Charlotte. He was the guy I wrote this about.

So, say a prayer for his wife and two little kids, if you're into that sort of thing.

Mike, you will be missed.

2003-01-08T11:52:00.000-08:00

CONGRATULATIONS!

Anna Nicole Smith topped Mr. Blackwell's 43rd annual Worst Dressed List for 2002.

In related news, Mr. Blackwell topped the list for Most Irrelevant Self-Important Washed-Up Has-Been/Never-Was for the 43rd straight year.

2003-01-07T10:17:00.000-08:00

AL-KITTY

It turns out the recent FBI terrorism warning about five foreigners entering the country illegally was a hoax.

However, the FBI has issued a new terrorism warning based on information gained from another informant about two other foreigners who have entered the country several years ago. They've released a photo of the suspects.

The FBI says the suspects are experts in using biological agents and psychological warfare methods, and should be considered dangerous.

2003-01-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

TIM MILLIONAIRE

Sorry, I've been gone a few days. I went out to LA for a modeling shoot. I thought it went pretty well. I just got the photos e-mailed to me.

I was a little cold here. That's why my arms are crossed, and um, it isn't so big.

I felt pretty comfortable in this one. Jeez, I must have been thinking about Karen Grassle NUDE! there.

This was me doing my sundial imitation.

I'm hoping for my own TV show out of this, if not on FOX then maybe on that PrideVision channel up in Canada.

2003-01-03T08:02:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...HIM

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll be spending it at a birthday party...for somebody else.

If this state of affairs doesn't describe my existence to this point, I don't know what does.

2003-01-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

VH-HUH?

My wife and I spent New Year's Eve watching "Top 100 One Hit Wonders" on VH-1. It started at 9 PM, and went until 2 AM. It wasn't exactly Times Square, but I did learn a lot of useless trivia. Since most of you were inebriated at the time of the show's airing, I will relate the highlights to you.

- The lead singer of Bow Wow Wow ("I Want Candy") is Burmese.
- There was no such person named "C.W. McCall" of "Convoy" fame. The name was made up for a series of commercials from which the song arose.
- Michael Sembello wrote "Maniac" for a horror movie soundtrack. The producers of "Flashdance" called, said they loved the song, and asked him to change the words.
- Lipps, Inc. ("Funkytown") was really a white guy.
- Andrea True from the Andrea True Connection ("More, More, More") was a porn star.
- "867-5309" was the phone number of people in over 100 area codes.
- Minnie Riperton ("Loving You"), who died of breast cancer in 1979, is the mother of Maya Rudolph from the cast of "Saturday Night Live"
- Paul Shaffer was a co-writer on "It's Raining Men". Yes, that Paul Shaffer.
- Martha Wash of The Weather Girls ("It's Raining Men") also sings on C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)", but was considered too overweight to appear in the video.
- The Tom Tom Club ("Genius Of Love") included Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth from Talking Heads. I should have known this, but I didn't.
- Nick Gilder ("Hot Child In The City") is a full-on freak. That's really an opinion, but I'm sure it is shared by a majority of viewers.
- The Verve sampled the Rolling Stones to make "Bittersweet Symphony", got into big trouble, and broke up. Another one I missed.
- Debbie Boone ("You Light Up My Life") was briefly married to Rob Halford of Judas Priest, before Halford came out of the closet.
- David Letterman starred on the Starland Vocal Band's ("Afternoon Delight") short-lived variety show.
- EMF ("Unbelievable") stands for Epsom Mad Funkers.
- Wild Cherry ("Play That Funky Music") named themselves after the Ludens Cough Drops of the same name.
- Dexy's Midnight Runners ("Come On Eileen") named themselves after the amphetamine Dexedrine.
- "The Macarena" is still the stupidest thing ever invented. Yes, another opinion, but once again well substantiated.
- Being a one-hit wonder is dangerous to your health. At least 10 of the band members on the list died before their 40th birthday.

I made up one of the above "facts". It's fairly easy to spot and confirm. But please feel free to spread it like wildfire so that it becomes true for all intents and purposes.

2002-12-30T11:58:00.000-08:00

TOP TEN POSSIBLE FUTURE BENEFITS OF RAELIAN CLONING

10. Raelians will be able to kick Scientologists' asses.
9. Cult of Celine Dion will no longer be so prominent.
8. French waiters to be replaced by clones if they continue to be snotty.
7. Cloning of Jerry Lewis means hundreds more muscular dystrophy telethons.
6. French Olympic pairs ice skating judges to be cloned; extra supply will lower market price.
5. Jean-Claude Van Damme clones to patrol major cities - no, wait, he's Belgian. Oh, well, whatever, same difference.
4. Thousands of clones to infiltrate Iraqi regime, begin surrendering to U.S. immediately.
3. Montreal Expos sign team of Ted Williams' clones, win World Series.
2. More organs available for transplant when Raelians inevitably commit mass suicide.

And the number 1 benefit of Raelian cloning is:

1. Gerard Depardieux!

2002-12-27T11:04:00.000-08:00

POST NO POSTS

I was checking in to see if I had posted anything.

Nope, guess not.

I'm submitting this post to that Ev guy as the worst post in the history of blogging. Wish me luck.

2002-12-23T07:39:00.000-08:00

ADVERTISE RESPONSIBLY

Today on TCP, we'll take a look at the Smirnoff Ice ad called "Laundry", perhaps putting more thought into it than the advertising agency ever did. The ad begins with two 20-ish guys doing their laundry, seemingly late at night, at a hip, edgy, urban laundromat presumably near where lots of 20-ish hip, edgy people live, and they are drinking Smirnoff Ice. The song "Kick You Out" by the band "Caesar's Palace" is playing very loudly in the background. This is your basic retro/punk/electronica type music the kids today love so much. (By the way, naming your band "Caesar's Palace" is pretty stupid, since it ensures that no one will ever find you on Google. See, there's this little casino with the same name, you may have heard of it.)

Let's pause. First of all, these guys look like they might do their laundry maybe once every six months. They make The Young Ones look like characters from a Whit Stillman film. And they are drinking while doing their laundry. This can't be a good thing. Smirnoff Ice is not even vodka, it's a "malt beverage", meaning it's about one step away from Colt .45. At the very least, they'll mix the whites and colored so their underwear turns all pink. I wouldn't even want to contemplate the worst-case scenario.

Next, into the laundromat walk three hot 20-ish women with varying degrees of midriff showing.

Now, what are the chances that just when these two guys are making their bi-annual trek to the laundromat in the middle of the night that three hot, flesh-baring babes are going to walk in? Not very good, but I guess this is why they've elected to capture the moment on film. Mister Guy-without-beard looks at the chicks, Mr. Guy-with-beard looks at his Smirnoff Ice, and then they decide to start dumping laundry soap into the unused washing machines.

Naturally, they do this because they've seen the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby does his own laundry. You know what happens next.

This sets off a wild party where the babes suddenly go nuts and start dancing as if they are seasoned professionals, if you know what I mean.

.

Now we really have to pause here and contemplate what has happened. Ok, I get that laundry soap causes sudsing, but enough to completely engulf an entire laundromat? How much soap did they bring with them? They only do their laundry twice a year, as we've already established, so it can't be that much. Where did they manage to get all this laundry soap? Well, I guess we'll just have to accept it.

So, let's assume they physically could cause this to happen somehow. This being an urban laundromat, chances are it is owned by an immigrant, who came to this country looking for a better life, worked hard, saved his/her money, and finally, after decades of struggle, bought him/herself a laundromat. In about 5 seconds, Mr. Beard and Mr. No Beard have utterly and completely destroyed this poor man's/woman's dreams, just so they could party with some hot chicks, who look like they could have been had at far less of a price. The owner was probably not insured, so he or she will have to pick up the costs of cleanup, repair of the flooring, probably some electrical work, and more than likely the replacement of several industrial washing machines and dryers.

Finally, in the piece-de-resistance of the spot, one of the hot babes emerges from the ocean of suds and starts sidling up to Mr. No Beard. At this point, for no reason that I can fathom, she looks off into space and bites her lower lip with her entire row of front teeth.

It's as if the director said, "Those last few takes were pretty good, you looked sexy enough, but since we're targeting 15-19 year old boys here, who let's face it, drink lots of malt beverage, and we're trying to make you girls looks like you've had large portions of your cerebella removed so that you'll accept just about any excuse to have an orgy, could you give us a little something extra?"

We finish up the spot with the tag line.

Yes, that's correct, Intelligent Nightlife, which has now come to mean destroying a laundromat. And another thing: how can you drink Smirnoff Ice when you're standing in suds up to your shoulders? Don't the suds get in the bottle? That can't be good for it. Or maybe that's a serving suggestion.

2002-12-19T11:25:00.000-08:00

MAN NOT WORKING

Today is my last workday for 2002. My supervisor came around about 6 weeks ago and told us to use up our vacation this year and not carry over anything into 2003. I scheduled three Fridays off in December, and everything after the 19th. Since this web log is primarily a vehicle for me to fill the yawning chasm that is often my workday, you probably won't be seeing many entries until January 2nd, unless I get a sudden inspiration of mild humorousness. To tide you over until then, here's a list of some of the things I will be doing for the next two weeks, courtesy of Thesaurus.com:

- Reclining in a somnolent state beyond the accustomed hour
- Perusing selected newsgroups for binary content of a delightful mien
- Slumbering in the post-meridian interval
- Procuring expeditiously prepared local cuisine from the comfort of my conveyance
- Engaging in ritual siestas
- Contemplating flickering images from a cathode ray tube
- Retiring in a punctual fashion

Happy days where you don't have to work, and stuff!

2002-12-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

WATCH OUT, ANDY SULLIVAN

After several days of not mentioning the Crossbow Home Gym, Bowflex, Bitty Schram nude, Karen Grassle nude, or naked pictures of Simon Cowell, here are my page view stats:

Two people! I'm attributing this to the Christmas holidays coming up, the sagging ecomony, and Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday, among other things, and not, of course, to my complete lack of ideas.

Hey, I got a new watch! It has 6 different alarm settings, a stop watch, and can store up to 50 phone numbers! I'm still reading the manual to see if it can tell time. (Yes, I know I stole that joke from "Spy Kids 2". Leave me alone.)

2002-12-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!

Pretend President George W. Bush has ordered that the national missile defense system be put into operation. In a statement, Bush said his goal was to "protect our citizens against what is perhaps the greatest danger of all -- catastrophic harm that may result from hostile states or terrorist groups armed with weapons of mass destruction and the means to deliver them." The decision came despite last week's failure of an anti-missile test over the Pacific Ocean.

In related news, the President has also ordered the following systems be put into operation:

- The Ronald W. Reagan Memorial Perpetual Motion Machine. "All of our energy worries will be solved, as soon as our crack scientists in the Pentagon overcome the 2nd law of thermodynamics," said an excited Bush.

- The Henry Hyde Memorial Cold Fusion Reactor. "Well, you know, in case the Perpetual Motion Machine doesn't cut it," the President related.

- The Bob Barr Memorial Escher Building. "It'll be great for fitness buffs. You can walk up stairs all day and never go anywhere," added Mr. Bush.

(Yes, I was able to post my usual dreck after all. The safety meeting didn't last as long as I thought. Just remember, you can't get half-formed, ill-considered jokes as good as these anywhere else, so keep coming back!)

2002-12-17T05:50:00.000-08:00

SCARRED BY THE HELL

Well, miscellaneous Google searchers who clicked on the wrong link, I have a meeting, then a Christmas lunch, and then some emergency last-minute safety training this afternoon, so I won't have time to come up with my usual dreck. But here's a link to my on-line high school yearbook, so you can see what drove me to this life of cynical despair. I'm not going to tell you where to find me. You'll have to wade through all the bad haircuts yourself. Surfing tip: the 70's and 80's Italian afro guys (or as I like to call them, the 'Fro-meos) are good for some serious laughs.

2002-12-16T11:20:00.000-08:00

TOP TEN PROBLEMS TRENT LOTT WAS REFERRING TO WHEN HE SAID A STROM THURMOND PRESIDENCY WOULD HAVE AVOIDED "ALL THESE PROBLEMS":

10. No Strom Thurmond Airport
9. Rampant literacy
8. Christina Aguilera
7. "The 700 Club" not being on in prime time on every major network
6. No cock fighting on the White House lawn
5. Free speech
4. Indoor plumbing
3. High dues at the "Hair Club for Men"
2. "The George Lopez Show". Well, he has a good point there.
And the number one problem Trent Lott was referring to when he said a Strom Thurmond presidency would have avoided "all these problems" is:
1. Umm...duh!

2002-12-13T16:16:00.000-08:00

DEAR MR. MANKOFF

I was reading "The Naked Cartoonist", by Robert Mankoff, cartoon editor of the New Yorker, and I got some inspriration. Since I can't draw, I don't have a drawing tablet, and I only have Microsoft Paint, this was the best I could do.

Back to obscurity.

2002-12-12T05:42:00.000-08:00

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE!

Ok, the Bitty Schram pic was poor, but this Karen Grassle one (yes Google searchers, it's Karen Grassle NUDE!) is certified genuine.

And I'm off tomorrow, so today is my Friday!

2002-12-11T07:05:00.000-08:00

EPLOIDS: THE NEW FLOOZ

With today's tasty lunch, which includes a snack of Sour Cream and Onion Lay's Potato Chips, I will have enough ePloids to obtain the Notebook and Gel Pen, which all the smart chemical engineers will be carrying in 2003. It's been a long time coming, and I think it's time for a celebration.

Unfortunately, I have a chronic gastro-intestinal disorder, so we'll have to postpone that. Can't wait for that Notebook and Gel Pen!!!

2002-12-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

BITTY SCHRAM NUDE!

Due to overwhelming demand, I've done an exhaustive Internet search, scanning newsgroups, fan sites, and various sites of ill repute (where I've grudgingly come to accept that "absolutely free" = $5.95 per month). Unfortunately, the following image was the best I could come up with. It appears to be taken during an early modeling session for some sort of beach-related product:

Just remember: There's no crying in blogging!

2002-12-10T05:50:00.000-08:00

OF COURSE IT'S GENUINE!

Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?

SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.

TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?

SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.

TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?

SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.

TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?

SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."

TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?

SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.

TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.

SELMA: Sure.

TCP: We're out on the highway now.

SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!

TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?

2002-12-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the last (thank you God) in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MTV.

SCENE: Irina calls Carmela to tell her that Tony has been having sex with her one-legged cousin, Svetlana.

EXTRA SCENE: Irina hangs up and calls Sharon Osbourne to tell her that Ozzy has been having sex with Svetlana's artificial leg.

SCENE: Tony sleeps at the shore house he is trying to buy after Carmela throws him out.

EXTRA SCENE: "Cribs" pops in to profile Tony's shore house. The highlight of the episode is when Tony repeatedly introduces one of the crew members to the bottom of the toilet bowl in his own unique way.

SCENE: Tony, Chris, Carmine, and Johnny Sack meet in the park to discuss a compromise on the HUD scam.

EXTRA SCENE: Johnny Knoxville and the boys from "Jackass" show up to tell the mobsters that they have the whole thing on tape, and then run like hell.

SCENE: Tony's guys on his yacht "The Stugotz" blast Dean Martin music at the lawyer who owns the shore house Tony no longer wants to buy because the lawyer won't return the deposit.

EXTRA SCENE: "Shore Thing Summer Sopranos Style" continues with a Frank Sinatra look-a-like contest, guest appearances by Ann-Margret and Joey Bishop, and a special TRL with Luciano Pavarotti in a Speedo.

This is it for the 4th season of "The Sopranos". This lame bit will be back next season, if this weblog makes it that long before dying of apathy and self-loathing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody!

2002-12-05T11:49:00.000-08:00

BUH BYE

It's snowing like the end times here in the Delaware Valley, so the refinery manager has declared that all non-essential personnel can go home for the day.

God, I love being non-essential!

2002-12-05T08:04:00.000-08:00

LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS

I'm taking tomorrow off, so today is my Friday! In New Zealand, it's Friday already, so there, yesterday would have been my Friday. Meaning my Wednesday here would have been my Friday there, had I traveled to New Zealand. Taking it a step further, tomorrow, Friday, which is my Saturday, it would have already been my Sunday there, which is my Saturday here, but in reality, it's Friday for everyone else, except in New Zealand, where it's Saturday. And Saturday here, which is my Sunday, is already Sunday there. Sunday, which is also my Sunday and everybody else's Sunday, is Monday there, so if I had traveled to New Zealand on Sunday, it would be like I never had a day off to begin with, even though I took Friday off, which was my Saturday. And of course, if I returned home on Monday there, it would still be Sunday here, so I would have to go to work the next day, meaning I would have 2 consecutive Mondays. But I'm taking next Friday off also, so next Monday is actually my next Tuesday.

It's a good thing I'm not going to New Zealand.