SO I RANT, I RANT SO FAR AWAAAAY
I know the rant has got to be the most cliched type of post in the blogger world, but I can't stand it anymore:
What the flying fuck does "breezy" mean? The public radio station in Philadelphia, WHYY, gets its weather forecasts from the Franklin Institute. Nearly every goddamned day, they describe the weather as being "breezy". "Sunny, breezy, highs in the 50's...Milder, breezy, 30% chance of rain...turning breezy later, mostly cloudy, lows in the 30's". EVERY GODDAMNED DAY! Is breezy the same as windy? If it is, why not say "windy"? If it's not windy, then it must be less than windy. How much less? Where does windy become breezy? 5 mph? 10 mph? Is it the capriciousness of the wind as opposed to the speed? And if it is, why in the hell are they trying to describe the capriciousness of wind anyway?
Look, in scientific terms, the movement of air over the surface of the earth is called WIND. A breeze is a light wind of indeterminate speed and force, and is a word often used by fiction writers and poets. It is not to be used as a scientific term in a weather forecast, dammit! If you are going to mention the wind, tell me the expected speed of the wind and its expected prevailing direction. If you don't know, just say it is "variable". Saying it is breezy every fucking day is useless! It says nothing. It's just a meaningless word put in to take up space. STOP IT!
Thank you.
Friday, November 08, 2002
DUH!
So today on the Cassandra mailing list, some guy is asking, should his company go forward with Unix or Windows hardware, and one guy writes that his Sparc box has been running for 500 days, and this bonehead from Invensys tells him it couldn't be running 500 days because Solaris 2.5.1 has a bug in the lbolt where it reboots after 248 days, and then some other guy writes that Sun patched that years ago for Y2K, and he has the output from the uptime command to prove it, plus a link to the patch on Sun's website! Isn't that hilarious?*
*I am now going to kill myself for being such a loser.
So today on the Cassandra mailing list, some guy is asking, should his company go forward with Unix or Windows hardware, and one guy writes that his Sparc box has been running for 500 days, and this bonehead from Invensys tells him it couldn't be running 500 days because Solaris 2.5.1 has a bug in the lbolt where it reboots after 248 days, and then some other guy writes that Sun patched that years ago for Y2K, and he has the output from the uptime command to prove it, plus a link to the patch on Sun's website! Isn't that hilarious?*
*I am now going to kill myself for being such a loser.
Thursday, November 07, 2002
ODE ON A VENDOR LUNCH
with profuse apologies to John Keats, and all his descendants, and all his ancestors for that matter.
Thou still famish'd stomach of business,
Thou foster-child of boredom and slow time,
Sylvan meal, who canst thus express,
A paid-for tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What onion-ring'd legend haunts about thy shape,
Of soups, or sandwiches or both?
In Bennigans, or the tables of Chili's
What waiters or waitresses are these? What hostesses loth?
What mad e-mails? What struggle to escape?
What drinks and desserts? What wild ecstasy?
O rotund shape! Fair Attitude! with brede
Of marbled beef and shrimp overstuffed,
With forest cake and salad weed,
Thou, sleepy form, dost tease us quite enough
As doth Eternity! Cold leftovers!
When old age doth this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of working woe,
Than ours, a vendor man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is Food, food beauty, -- that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
Thanks, Mike, for all the lunches.
with profuse apologies to John Keats, and all his descendants, and all his ancestors for that matter.
Thou still famish'd stomach of business,
Thou foster-child of boredom and slow time,
Sylvan meal, who canst thus express,
A paid-for tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What onion-ring'd legend haunts about thy shape,
Of soups, or sandwiches or both?
In Bennigans, or the tables of Chili's
What waiters or waitresses are these? What hostesses loth?
What mad e-mails? What struggle to escape?
What drinks and desserts? What wild ecstasy?
O rotund shape! Fair Attitude! with brede
Of marbled beef and shrimp overstuffed,
With forest cake and salad weed,
Thou, sleepy form, dost tease us quite enough
As doth Eternity! Cold leftovers!
When old age doth this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of working woe,
Than ours, a vendor man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is Food, food beauty, -- that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."
Thanks, Mike, for all the lunches.
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
JERRY HATHAWAY LIVES!
Check it out. The Crossbow Project is closer to reality than ever. All they have to do is attach that baby to the Space Station, and they're good to go. Watch out from above, Saddam!
Check it out. The Crossbow Project is closer to reality than ever. All they have to do is attach that baby to the Space Station, and they're good to go. Watch out from above, Saddam!
Tuesday, November 05, 2002
MEMO TO SELF: WEAR A CUP TO WORK
I just got back from a meeting introducing the employees to some of the new Vice Presidents. One of the new VP's is named Dick Severance. I am not making this up (If you've read my weblog, you'd know that I am not capable of making this up).
Man, this company means business!
I just got back from a meeting introducing the employees to some of the new Vice Presidents. One of the new VP's is named Dick Severance. I am not making this up (If you've read my weblog, you'd know that I am not capable of making this up).
Man, this company means business!
EVERY VOTE COUNTS (IF IT MANAGES TO GET COUNTED)
Today is Election Day, so I'll be trotting off to the polls after work. Let's have a look at my choices:
GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA
Democrat Ed Rendell, former mayor of Philadelphia, has a double-digit lead in the polls over his Republican opponent, Attorney General Mike Fisher. Rendell is running way ahead in the populous Philadelphia and Pittsburgh precincts, which usually far outpoll the rest of the state. We losers out here in the sticks couldn't swing this thing if we found naked pictures of Rendell with John Allen Muhammed. Fisher is toast.
U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, 7th DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA
Republican incumbent Curt Weldon is running against his usual token opposition. This time it's some lawyer named Peter Lennon. He'd have better name recognition if he changed his first name to John, but he still wouldn't win.
STATE SENATOR, 9th DISTRICT
Republican Dominic Pileggi is running against Democrat Thaddeus Kirkland and Independent Henry Detering. Kirkland and Detering have almost no prayer due to heavy Republican gerrymandering over the last, oh, 100 years. The map of District 9, like all the other districts around here, look like the sketches Charles Manson draws when he's off his Thorazine.
STATE REPRESENTATIVE, 160th DISTRICT
Republican Stephen Barrar is running unopposed. He's been celebrating for weeks now by stealing pension checks from old ladies.
THE USUAL GAGGLE OF JUDGESHIPS, COUNTY AND TOWN COUNCIL SEATS AND PROPOSITIONS
Who knows? I defy anyone to tell me where to locate this information short of standing in line at the county clerk's office. I guess I'll find out when I get in the voting booth, like I usually do. Speaking of which, my township still uses voting machines that were built around 1952. I'm thinking of writing in Dwight Eisenhower for every office. It seems only fitting.
Makes you feel so proud to be an American, doesn't it?
Today is Election Day, so I'll be trotting off to the polls after work. Let's have a look at my choices:
GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA
Democrat Ed Rendell, former mayor of Philadelphia, has a double-digit lead in the polls over his Republican opponent, Attorney General Mike Fisher. Rendell is running way ahead in the populous Philadelphia and Pittsburgh precincts, which usually far outpoll the rest of the state. We losers out here in the sticks couldn't swing this thing if we found naked pictures of Rendell with John Allen Muhammed. Fisher is toast.
U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, 7th DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA
Republican incumbent Curt Weldon is running against his usual token opposition. This time it's some lawyer named Peter Lennon. He'd have better name recognition if he changed his first name to John, but he still wouldn't win.
STATE SENATOR, 9th DISTRICT
Republican Dominic Pileggi is running against Democrat Thaddeus Kirkland and Independent Henry Detering. Kirkland and Detering have almost no prayer due to heavy Republican gerrymandering over the last, oh, 100 years. The map of District 9, like all the other districts around here, look like the sketches Charles Manson draws when he's off his Thorazine.
STATE REPRESENTATIVE, 160th DISTRICT
Republican Stephen Barrar is running unopposed. He's been celebrating for weeks now by stealing pension checks from old ladies.
THE USUAL GAGGLE OF JUDGESHIPS, COUNTY AND TOWN COUNCIL SEATS AND PROPOSITIONS
Who knows? I defy anyone to tell me where to locate this information short of standing in line at the county clerk's office. I guess I'll find out when I get in the voting booth, like I usually do. Speaking of which, my township still uses voting machines that were built around 1952. I'm thinking of writing in Dwight Eisenhower for every office. It seems only fitting.
Makes you feel so proud to be an American, doesn't it?
Monday, November 04, 2002
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is FOX.
SCENE: Paulie visits his childhood friend, who is the principal at a high school.
EXTRA SCENE: In a scene written by David E. Kelley, we learn more about the high school. It's an inner city school where the kids are all tough, but with hearts of gold, one of the teachers is Fyvush Finkel, and all the rest of the teachers are young and extremely good looking.
SCENE: Paulie's enforcers chase the school principal down the hallway.
EXTRA SCENE: This is only one scene of an hour-long episode of "When Mob Goons Attack".
SCENE: Tony has an afternoon fling with Ralphie's new girlfriend, Valentina.
EXTRA SCENE: Later, in another scene written by David E. Kelley, Valentina becomes anorexic and imagines Ralphie dancing naked with a dildo up his ass to the beginning of "Hooked On A Feeling".
SCENE: Tony, Paulie, and Silvio are having dinner with their goomahs.
EXTRA SCENE: In still yet another scene written by David E. Kelley*, the three mobster girlfriends are really lawyers who live together in a palatial apartment and pout a lot while wearing their underwear.
SCENE: Tony sings a passage from the song "Eclipse" from Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" to himself in the shower.
EXTRA SCENE: Paula Abdul lavishes praise, but Simon Cowell calls it the most wretched performance by the most disgusting pile of blubber he's ever seen, whereupon Tony shoves a .45 in Simon's mouth and blows his brains out.
*I can't even come up with a weblog entry this weekend, and this guy has three TV shows going. And he's married to Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh how I hate him so.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MSNBC
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is FOX.
SCENE: Paulie visits his childhood friend, who is the principal at a high school.
EXTRA SCENE: In a scene written by David E. Kelley, we learn more about the high school. It's an inner city school where the kids are all tough, but with hearts of gold, one of the teachers is Fyvush Finkel, and all the rest of the teachers are young and extremely good looking.
SCENE: Paulie's enforcers chase the school principal down the hallway.
EXTRA SCENE: This is only one scene of an hour-long episode of "When Mob Goons Attack".
SCENE: Tony has an afternoon fling with Ralphie's new girlfriend, Valentina.
EXTRA SCENE: Later, in another scene written by David E. Kelley, Valentina becomes anorexic and imagines Ralphie dancing naked with a dildo up his ass to the beginning of "Hooked On A Feeling".
SCENE: Tony, Paulie, and Silvio are having dinner with their goomahs.
EXTRA SCENE: In still yet another scene written by David E. Kelley*, the three mobster girlfriends are really lawyers who live together in a palatial apartment and pout a lot while wearing their underwear.
SCENE: Tony sings a passage from the song "Eclipse" from Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" to himself in the shower.
EXTRA SCENE: Paula Abdul lavishes praise, but Simon Cowell calls it the most wretched performance by the most disgusting pile of blubber he's ever seen, whereupon Tony shoves a .45 in Simon's mouth and blows his brains out.
*I can't even come up with a weblog entry this weekend, and this guy has three TV shows going. And he's married to Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh how I hate him so.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MSNBC
Thursday, October 31, 2002
I'M BACK, YOU SNIPER JOKE FIENDS
Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!
(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)
John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.
Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."
Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.
Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!
(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)
John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.
Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."
Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
FIREMAN TIM
Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.
The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.
Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.
The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.
Monday, October 28, 2002
SIGN NO. 7,856,203 THAT WE MIGHT JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH FIREARMS IN THIS COUNTRY
TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.
A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.
TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.
An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.
"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!
TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.
A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.
TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.
An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.
"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.
SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.
EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.
SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."
SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.
EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.
SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.
EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"
SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.
EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.
SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.
EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.
SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."
SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.
EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.
SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.
EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"
SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.
EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX
WE TOOK IT ONE CLICHE AT A TIME
Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.
ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON
"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''
DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE
"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."
ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL
"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''
DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS
"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."
ANGELS' TROY GLAUS
"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."
DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN
"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."
ANGELS' TIM SALMON
"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."
DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX
"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?
Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.
ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON
"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''
DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE
"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."
ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL
"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''
DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS
"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."
ANGELS' TROY GLAUS
"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."
DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN
"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."
ANGELS' TIM SALMON
"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."
DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX
"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?
Friday, October 25, 2002
JODIDN'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING TODAY
I was at The Jodiverse all afternoon. Go there, and read a real web site.
I was at The Jodiverse all afternoon. Go there, and read a real web site.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
LAKE. BIG LAKE.
Check out the bottom of my water bill:
Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?
"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"
"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."
"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"
Check out the bottom of my water bill:
Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?
"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"
"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."
"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"
PRECIOUS MOMENTS
Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:
1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.
2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.
3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.
4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.
5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.
Vote Today!
Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:
1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.
2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.
3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.
4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.
5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.
Vote Today!
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
GOTTA KEEP THAT #1 GOOGLE RANKING SOMEHOW
Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!
TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER
10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.
9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.
8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.
7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.
6. Uri Geller.
5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.
4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.
3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.
2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"
And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:
1. Getting up and going to work every morning.
Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!
TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER
10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.
9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.
8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.
7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.
6. Uri Geller.
5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.
4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.
3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.
2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"
And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:
1. Getting up and going to work every morning.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
BASEBALL: THE PACIFIC COAST'S PASTIME
I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.
Saturday, 10/19/02:
9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.
10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, 10/20/02:
9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".
10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02
10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Is it over yet?
I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.
Saturday, 10/19/02:
9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.
10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, 10/20/02:
9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".
10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02
10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Is it over yet?
FREE AD COPY
There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.
The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!
I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.
There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.
The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!
I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.
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