ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD
Phillies......................1
Pirates......................0
Bottom 5th
Enough said.
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
REFINERY WEEKLY NEWS & NOTES
Production: Yes
Safety: Some
Environmental: Not so much
WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST
The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.
HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS
As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.
BLOOD DRIVE
WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.
ETHICS LINE
1-800-YEAH-RIGHT
"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"
Production: Yes
Safety: Some
Environmental: Not so much
WEEKLY SAFETY SLOGAN CONTEST
The weekly safety slogan contest continues. Get your slogan in to The Safety Department by Friday to be eligible. Slogans that contain profanity, lewdness, sexual double entendres and rampant grammatical errors will continue to be rejected.
HEALTH AND FITNESS NEWS
As it turns out, exercise is good for you! If you can possibly drag yourself to the gym after a soul destroying day at work, we highly recommend it. If not, well, try, um, I don't know, walking more or something. Or buy one of those CROSSBOW HOME GYMs.
NEWS YOU CAN USE
Arbor Day is coming up. Plant a tree to help release some of that massive guilt that's been building up because you're a cog in the great petroleum machine.
BLOOD DRIVE
WE NEED BLOOD! We're so desperate, we've decided to toss out that silly sexual history questionnaire. We figure, it's better to get some blood and contract HIV than to lay there and die. It should be good for the pharmaceutical companies, anyway.
ETHICS LINE
1-800-YEAH-RIGHT
"Make Us Some Money, And Try Not To Get Yourself Blown Up"
Monday, February 24, 2003
YO! SOUTH PHILLY SALUTES YA
Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.
"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."
After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."
"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.
Philadelphia crime figure Sonny "Big Trousers" Caramundo expressed his appreciation today at the deal struck by Turkey with the United States to provide support for the imminent war with Iraq.
"That was really somethin'," said Caramundo, a noted shakedown artist with a region-wide reputation. "That was like that time I 'negotiated' with Billy 'Pipe Cleaner' for him to pay me a grand a week or he'd wake up with broken knees. But six billion bucks and $10 billion in loans! Wow, I'm just seriously impressed. I'm gonna have to up my asking price after this one."
After making the pact with the U.S., Turkish leader Tayyip Erdogan said, "We do not want to cast a shadow on our strategic friendship with the United States."
"Huh, that was almost exactly what I said to Louie 'Blue Nose' when I came around collectin' for the Christmas shakes. That Tayyip, he's a real pro," added Caramundo.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Sunday, February 16, 2003
THIS JUST IN...IT'S SNOWING
I've coined a new term for the ceaseless, breathless coverage of winter storms on the Philadelphia TV news shows: The Snowgasm.
Kathy Orr must have broken in 5 times during Tiger Woods' sleepwalk to another golf championship to tell us...what, exactly? "We have a live camera on Center City, and there's still this collection of white, fluffy wet objects falling from the sky! It's like, been doing this for hours! Don't go outside!! Don't drive your cars!!! One to two feet are expected and, uh, uhhh, UHHHH, UHHHHH!!!!!! OH YES! OH MY GOD YES!!!!"
This stuff is even worse during sweeps month, which it happens to be right now. They know we're all trapped in our houses, and we all have this morbid fascination with seeing news reporters suffer hypothermia standing out in the cold, so this is an absolute ratings bonanza. They can all practically count their overtime checks and bonuses. If the storm lasts much longer, I fully expect to see a sports guy and a Sunday female anchor in flagrante delicto in a snow bank on 4th and Chestnut. This just in! indeed.
I've coined a new term for the ceaseless, breathless coverage of winter storms on the Philadelphia TV news shows: The Snowgasm.
Kathy Orr must have broken in 5 times during Tiger Woods' sleepwalk to another golf championship to tell us...what, exactly? "We have a live camera on Center City, and there's still this collection of white, fluffy wet objects falling from the sky! It's like, been doing this for hours! Don't go outside!! Don't drive your cars!!! One to two feet are expected and, uh, uhhh, UHHHH, UHHHHH!!!!!! OH YES! OH MY GOD YES!!!!"
This stuff is even worse during sweeps month, which it happens to be right now. They know we're all trapped in our houses, and we all have this morbid fascination with seeing news reporters suffer hypothermia standing out in the cold, so this is an absolute ratings bonanza. They can all practically count their overtime checks and bonuses. If the storm lasts much longer, I fully expect to see a sports guy and a Sunday female anchor in flagrante delicto in a snow bank on 4th and Chestnut. This just in! indeed.
Thursday, February 13, 2003
IT'S OFFICIAL: I SUCK!
Well, the votes are in, and by a 2 to 1 margin, you hate me!
I'd like to thank my mother, for raising me to be such a putz, and the two people who voted for me, or rather against me.
And for the person who voted for me...what's your problem? Can't you recognize putrescence when you see it?
Well, the votes are in, and by a 2 to 1 margin, you hate me!
I'd like to thank my mother, for raising me to be such a putz, and the two people who voted for me, or rather against me.
And for the person who voted for me...what's your problem? Can't you recognize putrescence when you see it?
DON'T WORRY, BEE HAPPY
Hey, everybody! It's St. Modomnoc's Day! That's right. I'm sure you know the whole story, but I'll tell it anyway. St. Modomnoc was an Irish bishop and a disciple of St. David of Wales. Sometimes called Domnoc or Dominic, he was a member of the royal Irish family of O’Neil and ended his years as a hermit at Tibraghny in Kilkenny. When Modomnoc returned to Wales after studying with St. David, swarms of bees left Scotland to follow him, thus supposedly being introduced to Ireland.
So, get out there and buy some honey! Or, you know, visit a bee hive. Or whatever. Or you can follow the "swarm" tomorrow and succumb to the pressure of the greeting card, floral, and chocolate industry. And did you realize that St. Valentine's actual feast day is January 7th? What's up with that?
Hey, everybody! It's St. Modomnoc's Day! That's right. I'm sure you know the whole story, but I'll tell it anyway. St. Modomnoc was an Irish bishop and a disciple of St. David of Wales. Sometimes called Domnoc or Dominic, he was a member of the royal Irish family of O’Neil and ended his years as a hermit at Tibraghny in Kilkenny. When Modomnoc returned to Wales after studying with St. David, swarms of bees left Scotland to follow him, thus supposedly being introduced to Ireland.
So, get out there and buy some honey! Or, you know, visit a bee hive. Or whatever. Or you can follow the "swarm" tomorrow and succumb to the pressure of the greeting card, floral, and chocolate industry. And did you realize that St. Valentine's actual feast day is January 7th? What's up with that?
Thursday, February 06, 2003
GIVE ME SOME MONEY
Oh, yeah, also, it's pledge week at not one, but two public radio stations here in Philly.
...
What do you think, network bandwidth is free? Pony up some dough, you ingrates! This is some high quality, well, not exactly comedy, but somewhat amusing observational, well, not quite humor, but, oh, whatever. PayPal will be fine.
Oh, yeah, also, it's pledge week at not one, but two public radio stations here in Philly.
...
What do you think, network bandwidth is free? Pony up some dough, you ingrates! This is some high quality, well, not exactly comedy, but somewhat amusing observational, well, not quite humor, but, oh, whatever. PayPal will be fine.
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
STILL TIED UP, BUT NOT LIKE THAT CHICK ON "JOE MILLIONAIRE"
I'm all better now after the illness I contracted during training class. Ok, it wasn't an illness, it was a cold, but it could have been an illness if it had applied itself. Right now, I'm waiting for some guy from Seattle to show up and install some software. While I'm waiting, I'm trying to check out a video from Tatu, a teen singing group in the UK which has been banned from "Top Of The Pops" for being "pedo-pop". You know, when I hear about censorship in any form, I simply need to investigate for myself to determine the important relevant issues, and this case is certainly no exception. In fact, this is whatever the opposite of an exception is.
Ok, I saw it. Imagine Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One Time" only not as old looking, with a female friend of the same age, making out in the rain in some sort of open air prison cell. Um, has R. Kelly seen this? I wouldn't let him watch it if I were the authorities. I mean, even I think this should be banned. Yeesh.
I'm all better now after the illness I contracted during training class. Ok, it wasn't an illness, it was a cold, but it could have been an illness if it had applied itself. Right now, I'm waiting for some guy from Seattle to show up and install some software. While I'm waiting, I'm trying to check out a video from Tatu, a teen singing group in the UK which has been banned from "Top Of The Pops" for being "pedo-pop". You know, when I hear about censorship in any form, I simply need to investigate for myself to determine the important relevant issues, and this case is certainly no exception. In fact, this is whatever the opposite of an exception is.
Ok, I saw it. Imagine Britney Spears, circa "Hit Me Baby One Time" only not as old looking, with a female friend of the same age, making out in the rain in some sort of open air prison cell. Um, has R. Kelly seen this? I wouldn't let him watch it if I were the authorities. I mean, even I think this should be banned. Yeesh.
Friday, January 31, 2003
Monday, January 27, 2003
SEE YOU...WHENEVER
I've got absolutely nothing today, but I did want to let you know, my little Crossbow Home Gym searchers, that I will be out of commission for at least the rest of this week and possibly for some time after that. We're putting in a new software application, and I'll be at training this week and working on the installation next week and thereafter until we get done. That's right, I have ... work (lightning bolt, thunder clap, and sound of scary organ music) to do. Yuck. I may be able to lend you my pithy observations here and there over the next few weeks, but for the most part, you'll have to make do with...the entire rest of the Internet. I know it will be difficult, but together, somehow, we'll manage.
I've got absolutely nothing today, but I did want to let you know, my little Crossbow Home Gym searchers, that I will be out of commission for at least the rest of this week and possibly for some time after that. We're putting in a new software application, and I'll be at training this week and working on the installation next week and thereafter until we get done. That's right, I have ... work (lightning bolt, thunder clap, and sound of scary organ music) to do. Yuck. I may be able to lend you my pithy observations here and there over the next few weeks, but for the most part, you'll have to make do with...the entire rest of the Internet. I know it will be difficult, but together, somehow, we'll manage.
Friday, January 24, 2003
TO ALL MY WEIDERS
As I was castigated by one of my accidental readers yesterday, there is in fact such a thing as a "Crossbow Home Gym". The reason I mention the "Crossbow Home Gym", other than to attract more accidental readers, is to say that I'm pretty skeptical about the "Crossbow Home Gym". I used to own a Soloflex, which is the "Crossbow Home Gym" with rubber bands instead of tubes, and here's pretty much how that went down:
- I bought the Soloflex for more money than I'd ever seen in one place.
- The Soloflex arrived in three or four cardboard boxes which weighed slightly more than Jupiter.
- I found a nice spot in my apartment and put the Soloflex together, which burned about 3500 calories by itself.
- My landlord stopped by and told me to move the Soloflex, because it was on a carpet and he said it would get the carpet greasy. The Soloflex is made of steel and has no grease anywhere on it. My landlord was and surely still is a certifiable knucklehead.
- I moved the Soloflex to a less desirable location, burning another 3500 calories.
- I used the Soloflex 3 times a week for 12 weeks, just like it says in the directions. Well, maybe 2 times a week some weeks. Well, since I had to stick it in a spare bedroom with no access to a TV or stereo system, and oh yeah, I'm really, really LAZY, I kinda stopped using it altogether on some weeks. Ok, every week.
- I put the Soloflex back in the cardboard boxes (3500 more calories!).
- I sold the Soloflex for an amount of money I was eminently familiar with.
For all my troubles, I burned about 10,500 calories putting it together, moving it, and taking it apart, plus the few hundred I burned actually using it as intended. I'm thinking the "Crossbow Home Gym" would yield similar results, except I now own instead of rent, so the calories expended would drop by 3500.
And, of course, I'd miss all those warm, wonderful, kind, and thoughtful people down at my health club...
As I was castigated by one of my accidental readers yesterday, there is in fact such a thing as a "Crossbow Home Gym". The reason I mention the "Crossbow Home Gym", other than to attract more accidental readers, is to say that I'm pretty skeptical about the "Crossbow Home Gym". I used to own a Soloflex, which is the "Crossbow Home Gym" with rubber bands instead of tubes, and here's pretty much how that went down:
- I bought the Soloflex for more money than I'd ever seen in one place.
- The Soloflex arrived in three or four cardboard boxes which weighed slightly more than Jupiter.
- I found a nice spot in my apartment and put the Soloflex together, which burned about 3500 calories by itself.
- My landlord stopped by and told me to move the Soloflex, because it was on a carpet and he said it would get the carpet greasy. The Soloflex is made of steel and has no grease anywhere on it. My landlord was and surely still is a certifiable knucklehead.
- I moved the Soloflex to a less desirable location, burning another 3500 calories.
- I used the Soloflex 3 times a week for 12 weeks, just like it says in the directions. Well, maybe 2 times a week some weeks. Well, since I had to stick it in a spare bedroom with no access to a TV or stereo system, and oh yeah, I'm really, really LAZY, I kinda stopped using it altogether on some weeks. Ok, every week.
- I put the Soloflex back in the cardboard boxes (3500 more calories!).
- I sold the Soloflex for an amount of money I was eminently familiar with.
For all my troubles, I burned about 10,500 calories putting it together, moving it, and taking it apart, plus the few hundred I burned actually using it as intended. I'm thinking the "Crossbow Home Gym" would yield similar results, except I now own instead of rent, so the calories expended would drop by 3500.
And, of course, I'd miss all those warm, wonderful, kind, and thoughtful people down at my health club...
Thursday, January 23, 2003
YOU'LL READ IT AND LIKE IT!
Let's see...
Nothing humorously interesting has happened to me in the last few weeks. I am not currently angry about anything. The news is a relentless drumbeat of depressing sameness. It's too cold to go watch movies or otherwise leave the house. Television has settled into a fragmented patchwork of lame reality shows, bad sitcoms, derivative cop shows, and endless cable re-runs. My football teams have been eliminated from contention. Baseball is weeks away. I am deep in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. The book I am reading is leaden and lifeless. Work is...work.
Nope. You ain't gettin' no blog entry today!
Except for that cop-out above, of course. Boy, I must be the only blogger campaigning for negative Blizg votes.
Let's see...
Nothing humorously interesting has happened to me in the last few weeks. I am not currently angry about anything. The news is a relentless drumbeat of depressing sameness. It's too cold to go watch movies or otherwise leave the house. Television has settled into a fragmented patchwork of lame reality shows, bad sitcoms, derivative cop shows, and endless cable re-runs. My football teams have been eliminated from contention. Baseball is weeks away. I am deep in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. The book I am reading is leaden and lifeless. Work is...work.
Nope. You ain't gettin' no blog entry today!
Except for that cop-out above, of course. Boy, I must be the only blogger campaigning for negative Blizg votes.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
D.I.Y.
Write your own joke:
The Bush Administration wants to administer literacy tests to pre-school children who take part in the federal Head Start program.
Here's one: The tests will be rolled out as soon as they find one that the President can pass.
Submit yours today!
Write your own joke:
The Bush Administration wants to administer literacy tests to pre-school children who take part in the federal Head Start program.
Here's one: The tests will be rolled out as soon as they find one that the President can pass.
Submit yours today!
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
TOP TEN '"AL SHARPTON FOR PRESIDENT" CAMPAIGN SLOGANS
10. "Nuttier Than Alan Keyes, With Half The Integrity"
9. "OK, White America, If It Makes You Feel Any Better, Tawana Lied. Can We Move On Now?"
8. "Elect Me, And Nicole's Real Killer Will Be Found"
7. "More Controversial Than Jesse Jackson, With Half The Vocabulary"
6. "If Elected, I'll Make Don King An Ambassador, So At Least We'll Get Rid Of Him"
5. "I Will Help The Downtrodden, Like Michael Jackson"
4. "I'm Smarter Than Bush, And I Even Look Better In A Cowboy Hat"
3. "I'm Not Hillary"
2. "If I'm Still Too Fat, No Problem, Just Throw Me In Jail Again"
And the Number 1 "Al Sharpton For President" campaign slogan is:
1. "At Least You're Paying Attention To Me"
10. "Nuttier Than Alan Keyes, With Half The Integrity"
9. "OK, White America, If It Makes You Feel Any Better, Tawana Lied. Can We Move On Now?"
8. "Elect Me, And Nicole's Real Killer Will Be Found"
7. "More Controversial Than Jesse Jackson, With Half The Vocabulary"
6. "If Elected, I'll Make Don King An Ambassador, So At Least We'll Get Rid Of Him"
5. "I Will Help The Downtrodden, Like Michael Jackson"
4. "I'm Smarter Than Bush, And I Even Look Better In A Cowboy Hat"
3. "I'm Not Hillary"
2. "If I'm Still Too Fat, No Problem, Just Throw Me In Jail Again"
And the Number 1 "Al Sharpton For President" campaign slogan is:
1. "At Least You're Paying Attention To Me"
Monday, January 20, 2003
WOULD I LIE?
Sorry, no entry today. I was kind of busy at work, as revolting as that sounds. However, if you look through my past entries, you will discover:
a. The key to Revelations
b. The Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe
c. The missing 18-1/2 minutes of the Nixon Watergate tapes, and the identity of Deep Throat
d. The end of split ends forever!
So get digging!
Sorry, no entry today. I was kind of busy at work, as revolting as that sounds. However, if you look through my past entries, you will discover:
a. The key to Revelations
b. The Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe
c. The missing 18-1/2 minutes of the Nixon Watergate tapes, and the identity of Deep Throat
d. The end of split ends forever!
So get digging!
Friday, January 17, 2003
DAVID MANNING: "LOVED IT, UH, THEM, WHATEVER!"
In an unprecedented move, the films "National Security" and "Kangaroo Jack" agreed to merge, forming the film "National Jack".
Columbia Pictures and Warner Brothers, which released the two films, agreed to the merger yesterday after analyzing data from advanced screenings. "We've established that the two films have essentially the same story, the same characters, and the same theme, and are equally as lousy, and that it would be foolish to show the films separately in twice as many theaters as they can support," said a spokesman.
According to the merger agreement drawn up by the two parties, the merger will be accomplished by editing .466 frames of "National Security" in with every frame of "Kangaroo Jack". "Kangaroo Jack" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer added, "I was actually thinking of moving the whole thing to Los Angeles and hiring Martin Lawrence to play the Kangaroo, so this move is really the best of all possible worlds."
The two companies have announced that synergies from combining the two films could run into the tens of millions.
In an unprecedented move, the films "National Security" and "Kangaroo Jack" agreed to merge, forming the film "National Jack".
Columbia Pictures and Warner Brothers, which released the two films, agreed to the merger yesterday after analyzing data from advanced screenings. "We've established that the two films have essentially the same story, the same characters, and the same theme, and are equally as lousy, and that it would be foolish to show the films separately in twice as many theaters as they can support," said a spokesman.
According to the merger agreement drawn up by the two parties, the merger will be accomplished by editing .466 frames of "National Security" in with every frame of "Kangaroo Jack". "Kangaroo Jack" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer added, "I was actually thinking of moving the whole thing to Los Angeles and hiring Martin Lawrence to play the Kangaroo, so this move is really the best of all possible worlds."
The two companies have announced that synergies from combining the two films could run into the tens of millions.
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