Monday, December 30, 2002

TOP TEN POSSIBLE FUTURE BENEFITS OF RAELIAN CLONING

10. Raelians will be able to kick Scientologists' asses.
9. Cult of Celine Dion will no longer be so prominent.
8. French waiters to be replaced by clones if they continue to be snotty.
7. Cloning of Jerry Lewis means hundreds more muscular dystrophy telethons.
6. French Olympic pairs ice skating judges to be cloned; extra supply will lower market price.
5. Jean-Claude Van Damme clones to patrol major cities - no, wait, he's Belgian. Oh, well, whatever, same difference.
4. Thousands of clones to infiltrate Iraqi regime, begin surrendering to U.S. immediately.
3. Montreal Expos sign team of Ted Williams' clones, win World Series.
2. More organs available for transplant when Raelians inevitably commit mass suicide.

And the number 1 benefit of Raelian cloning is:

1. Gerard Depardieux!

Friday, December 27, 2002

POST NO POSTS

I was checking in to see if I had posted anything.

Nope, guess not.

I'm submitting this post to that Ev guy as the worst post in the history of blogging. Wish me luck.

Monday, December 23, 2002

ADVERTISE RESPONSIBLY

Today on TCP, we'll take a look at the Smirnoff Ice ad called "Laundry", perhaps putting more thought into it than the advertising agency ever did. The ad begins with two 20-ish guys doing their laundry, seemingly late at night, at a hip, edgy, urban laundromat presumably near where lots of 20-ish hip, edgy people live, and they are drinking Smirnoff Ice. The song "Kick You Out" by the band "Caesar's Palace" is playing very loudly in the background. This is your basic retro/punk/electronica type music the kids today love so much. (By the way, naming your band "Caesar's Palace" is pretty stupid, since it ensures that no one will ever find you on Google. See, there's this little casino with the same name, you may have heard of it.)



Let's pause. First of all, these guys look like they might do their laundry maybe once every six months. They make The Young Ones look like characters from a Whit Stillman film. And they are drinking while doing their laundry. This can't be a good thing. Smirnoff Ice is not even vodka, it's a "malt beverage", meaning it's about one step away from Colt .45. At the very least, they'll mix the whites and colored so their underwear turns all pink. I wouldn't even want to contemplate the worst-case scenario.

Next, into the laundromat walk three hot 20-ish women with varying degrees of midriff showing.



Now, what are the chances that just when these two guys are making their bi-annual trek to the laundromat in the middle of the night that three hot, flesh-baring babes are going to walk in? Not very good, but I guess this is why they've elected to capture the moment on film. Mister Guy-without-beard looks at the chicks, Mr. Guy-with-beard looks at his Smirnoff Ice, and then they decide to start dumping laundry soap into the unused washing machines.



Naturally, they do this because they've seen the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby does his own laundry. You know what happens next.



This sets off a wild party where the babes suddenly go nuts and start dancing as if they are seasoned professionals, if you know what I mean.

.


Now we really have to pause here and contemplate what has happened. Ok, I get that laundry soap causes sudsing, but enough to completely engulf an entire laundromat? How much soap did they bring with them? They only do their laundry twice a year, as we've already established, so it can't be that much. Where did they manage to get all this laundry soap? Well, I guess we'll just have to accept it.

So, let's assume they physically could cause this to happen somehow. This being an urban laundromat, chances are it is owned by an immigrant, who came to this country looking for a better life, worked hard, saved his/her money, and finally, after decades of struggle, bought him/herself a laundromat. In about 5 seconds, Mr. Beard and Mr. No Beard have utterly and completely destroyed this poor man's/woman's dreams, just so they could party with some hot chicks, who look like they could have been had at far less of a price. The owner was probably not insured, so he or she will have to pick up the costs of cleanup, repair of the flooring, probably some electrical work, and more than likely the replacement of several industrial washing machines and dryers.

Finally, in the piece-de-resistance of the spot, one of the hot babes emerges from the ocean of suds and starts sidling up to Mr. No Beard. At this point, for no reason that I can fathom, she looks off into space and bites her lower lip with her entire row of front teeth.



It's as if the director said, "Those last few takes were pretty good, you looked sexy enough, but since we're targeting 15-19 year old boys here, who let's face it, drink lots of malt beverage, and we're trying to make you girls looks like you've had large portions of your cerebella removed so that you'll accept just about any excuse to have an orgy, could you give us a little something extra?"

We finish up the spot with the tag line.



Yes, that's correct, Intelligent Nightlife, which has now come to mean destroying a laundromat. And another thing: how can you drink Smirnoff Ice when you're standing in suds up to your shoulders? Don't the suds get in the bottle? That can't be good for it. Or maybe that's a serving suggestion.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

MAN NOT WORKING

Today is my last workday for 2002. My supervisor came around about 6 weeks ago and told us to use up our vacation this year and not carry over anything into 2003. I scheduled three Fridays off in December, and everything after the 19th. Since this web log is primarily a vehicle for me to fill the yawning chasm that is often my workday, you probably won't be seeing many entries until January 2nd, unless I get a sudden inspiration of mild humorousness. To tide you over until then, here's a list of some of the things I will be doing for the next two weeks, courtesy of Thesaurus.com:

- Reclining in a somnolent state beyond the accustomed hour
- Perusing selected newsgroups for binary content of a delightful mien
- Slumbering in the post-meridian interval
- Procuring expeditiously prepared local cuisine from the comfort of my conveyance
- Engaging in ritual siestas
- Contemplating flickering images from a cathode ray tube
- Retiring in a punctual fashion

Happy days where you don't have to work, and stuff!

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

WATCH OUT, ANDY SULLIVAN

After several days of not mentioning the Crossbow Home Gym, Bowflex, Bitty Schram nude, Karen Grassle nude, or naked pictures of Simon Cowell, here are my page view stats:



Two people! I'm attributing this to the Christmas holidays coming up, the sagging ecomony, and Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday, among other things, and not, of course, to my complete lack of ideas.

Hey, I got a new watch! It has 6 different alarm settings, a stop watch, and can store up to 50 phone numbers! I'm still reading the manual to see if it can tell time. (Yes, I know I stole that joke from "Spy Kids 2". Leave me alone.)

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!

Pretend President George W. Bush has ordered that the national missile defense system be put into operation. In a statement, Bush said his goal was to "protect our citizens against what is perhaps the greatest danger of all -- catastrophic harm that may result from hostile states or terrorist groups armed with weapons of mass destruction and the means to deliver them." The decision came despite last week's failure of an anti-missile test over the Pacific Ocean.

In related news, the President has also ordered the following systems be put into operation:

- The Ronald W. Reagan Memorial Perpetual Motion Machine. "All of our energy worries will be solved, as soon as our crack scientists in the Pentagon overcome the 2nd law of thermodynamics," said an excited Bush.

- The Henry Hyde Memorial Cold Fusion Reactor. "Well, you know, in case the Perpetual Motion Machine doesn't cut it," the President related.

- The Bob Barr Memorial Escher Building. "It'll be great for fitness buffs. You can walk up stairs all day and never go anywhere," added Mr. Bush.

(Yes, I was able to post my usual dreck after all. The safety meeting didn't last as long as I thought. Just remember, you can't get half-formed, ill-considered jokes as good as these anywhere else, so keep coming back!)
SCARRED BY THE HELL

Well, miscellaneous Google searchers who clicked on the wrong link, I have a meeting, then a Christmas lunch, and then some emergency last-minute safety training this afternoon, so I won't have time to come up with my usual dreck. But here's a link to my on-line high school yearbook, so you can see what drove me to this life of cynical despair. I'm not going to tell you where to find me. You'll have to wade through all the bad haircuts yourself. Surfing tip: the 70's and 80's Italian afro guys (or as I like to call them, the 'Fro-meos) are good for some serious laughs.

Monday, December 16, 2002

TOP TEN PROBLEMS TRENT LOTT WAS REFERRING TO WHEN HE SAID A STROM THURMOND PRESIDENCY WOULD HAVE AVOIDED "ALL THESE PROBLEMS":

10. No Strom Thurmond Airport
9. Rampant literacy
8. Christina Aguilera
7. "The 700 Club" not being on in prime time on every major network
6. No cock fighting on the White House lawn
5. Free speech
4. Indoor plumbing
3. High dues at the "Hair Club for Men"
2. "The George Lopez Show". Well, he has a good point there.
And the number one problem Trent Lott was referring to when he said a Strom Thurmond presidency would have avoided "all these problems" is:
1. Umm...duh!

Friday, December 13, 2002

DEAR MR. MANKOFF

I was reading "The Naked Cartoonist", by Robert Mankoff, cartoon editor of the New Yorker, and I got some inspriration. Since I can't draw, I don't have a drawing tablet, and I only have Microsoft Paint, this was the best I could do.



Back to obscurity.

Thursday, December 12, 2002

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE!

Ok, the Bitty Schram pic was poor, but this Karen Grassle one (yes Google searchers, it's Karen Grassle NUDE!) is certified genuine.



And I'm off tomorrow, so today is my Friday!

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

EPLOIDS: THE NEW FLOOZ

With today's tasty lunch, which includes a snack of Sour Cream and Onion Lay's Potato Chips, I will have enough ePloids to obtain the Notebook and Gel Pen, which all the smart chemical engineers will be carrying in 2003. It's been a long time coming, and I think it's time for a celebration.

Unfortunately, I have a chronic gastro-intestinal disorder, so we'll have to postpone that. Can't wait for that Notebook and Gel Pen!!!

Tuesday, December 10, 2002

BITTY SCHRAM NUDE!

Due to overwhelming demand, I've done an exhaustive Internet search, scanning newsgroups, fan sites, and various sites of ill repute (where I've grudgingly come to accept that "absolutely free" = $5.95 per month). Unfortunately, the following image was the best I could come up with. It appears to be taken during an early modeling session for some sort of beach-related product:



Just remember: There's no crying in blogging!
OF COURSE IT'S GENUINE!

Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?

SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.

TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?

SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.

TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?

SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.

TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?

SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."

TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?

SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.

TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.

SELMA: Sure.

TCP: We're out on the highway now.

SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!

TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?

Monday, December 09, 2002

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the last (thank you God) in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MTV.

SCENE: Irina calls Carmela to tell her that Tony has been having sex with her one-legged cousin, Svetlana.

EXTRA SCENE: Irina hangs up and calls Sharon Osbourne to tell her that Ozzy has been having sex with Svetlana's artificial leg.

SCENE: Tony sleeps at the shore house he is trying to buy after Carmela throws him out.

EXTRA SCENE: "Cribs" pops in to profile Tony's shore house. The highlight of the episode is when Tony repeatedly introduces one of the crew members to the bottom of the toilet bowl in his own unique way.

SCENE: Tony, Chris, Carmine, and Johnny Sack meet in the park to discuss a compromise on the HUD scam.

EXTRA SCENE: Johnny Knoxville and the boys from "Jackass" show up to tell the mobsters that they have the whole thing on tape, and then run like hell.

SCENE: Tony's guys on his yacht "The Stugotz" blast Dean Martin music at the lawyer who owns the shore house Tony no longer wants to buy because the lawyer won't return the deposit.

EXTRA SCENE: "Shore Thing Summer Sopranos Style" continues with a Frank Sinatra look-a-like contest, guest appearances by Ann-Margret and Joey Bishop, and a special TRL with Luciano Pavarotti in a Speedo.

This is it for the 4th season of "The Sopranos". This lame bit will be back next season, if this weblog makes it that long before dying of apathy and self-loathing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody!

Thursday, December 05, 2002

BUH BYE

It's snowing like the end times here in the Delaware Valley, so the refinery manager has declared that all non-essential personnel can go home for the day.

God, I love being non-essential!
LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS

I'm taking tomorrow off, so today is my Friday! In New Zealand, it's Friday already, so there, yesterday would have been my Friday. Meaning my Wednesday here would have been my Friday there, had I traveled to New Zealand. Taking it a step further, tomorrow, Friday, which is my Saturday, it would have already been my Sunday there, which is my Saturday here, but in reality, it's Friday for everyone else, except in New Zealand, where it's Saturday. And Saturday here, which is my Sunday, is already Sunday there. Sunday, which is also my Sunday and everybody else's Sunday, is Monday there, so if I had traveled to New Zealand on Sunday, it would be like I never had a day off to begin with, even though I took Friday off, which was my Saturday. And of course, if I returned home on Monday there, it would still be Sunday here, so I would have to go to work the next day, meaning I would have 2 consecutive Mondays. But I'm taking next Friday off also, so next Monday is actually my next Tuesday.

It's a good thing I'm not going to New Zealand.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

SHAMELESS PROMOTION

I'm going to be gone to an off-site meeting all day (and I am completely bereft of anything to say whatsoever), so I figured I'd use this entry to attract more traffic.

CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX


And for those using the Google image search:





Oh, and here are links to the real sites.
Crossbow
Bowflex


And please, buy one of these and use it if you currently go to my gym. Because if you go to my gym now, I most assuredly hate your guts and my life would be so much better if you stopped coming.

But seriously, steroids are the way to go if you want to look like those guys in the pictures.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002

ISN'T THAT SPECIAL?

I finally broke down and purchased the DVD of "Real Genius". I watched it last night, hence the cosmetic changes to the site. The DVD comes with the following "special features": English, German, and Spanish subtitles, scene selection, and trailers for the movies "Hook" and "Jumanji"(?). No director commentary, no outtakes, no deleted scenes, no "Making of" short, absolutely nothing that a fan who is buying this DVD might actually want. Thanks, Columbia Tri-Star Home Video! Way to market that baby! Of course, I and many others bought it without all that stuff, so they probably saved a fortune.

Favorite forgotten line: (Jerry Hathaway) "The colon. What does it look like?"

Monday, December 02, 2002

WHERE'S THE MAFIA WHEN YOU NEED IT?

Excuse me, there's something I have to do.

I HATE THAT FUCKING COMMERCIAL WHERE THE IDIOT SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS IN ST. MARK'S SQUARE THAT HE LOVES HIS WIFE AND THEN HE GIVES HER A DIAMOND! I FUCKING HATE IT!

I sincerely hope everyone responsible for this ad got a gondola pole stuck up their ass before they left Venice.
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is ESPN.

SCENE: A truck carrying a giant inflatable rat drives up and the Union President announces that the Esplanade job has been shut down.

EXTRA SCENE: The inflatable rat appears in a SportsCenter commercial with Al Davis. Al sues ESPN for $1 billion.

SCENE: Paulie Walnuts introduces himself to New York Boss Carmine, who has no idea who he is.

EXTRA SCENE: NFL Films is on hand to document Paulie's combination of fear, shock and embarrassment from six different angles and replay it in slow motion for decades to come, complete with Ron Jaworski's in-depth analysis.

SCENE: Meadow and Carmela dispute whether "Billy Budd" is a piece of gay fiction.

EXTRA SCENE: Stuart Scott does a post-fight interview. Carmela tells him if he calls her "dawg" one more time, she's going to rip his lungs out and bake them into a mostaccioli.

SCENE: Paulie breaks in to his mother's friend's house to steal the money under her mattress. He proceeds to suffocate her with a pillow when she walks in on him.

EXTRA SCENE: Paulie finishes first in the "Old Lady Snuff" during the "World's Strongest Mobster" competition.

NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MTV

Wednesday, November 27, 2002

INSPIRED CHOICE

President-by-Supreme-Court-Fiat George W. Bush has tapped Henry Kissinger to lead a commission to investigate the government's failure to prevent the 9/11 attacks.

If you want a guy who knows about planning secret massive attacks on civilians, I couldn't think of a better man for the job!
WHYY OH WHY?

The local public radio station, WHYY, has a live audio stream on the Internet. Here is what usually happens when you try to access it during a weekday:



Now, I realize Philadelphia is not New York, and we're not Los Angeles, and we don't have a thriving city full of glitz and glamour, but we can't even listen to public radio on the Internet whenever we want? That's right, Philadelphia has to ration PUBLIC RADIO. How sad, sorry, and pathetic is that?

Tuesday, November 26, 2002

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.
IT'S GOOD WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT

Another revelation from "Live From New York", the hefty tome about the history of Saturday Night Live: most of the writers and performers are neurotic and have low self-esteem, and Lorne Michaels is often telling them that they could be funnier. Hey, that describes me perfectly! Where do I sign? Oh yeah, there's that small issue of being at least somewhat funny in the first place. Oh well. Back to boiling oil.

Monday, November 25, 2002

IF YOU BUILD IT...

My wife and I were walking through Olde City in Philadelphia yesterday when we saw a sign at a construction site for the Masada Construction Company. Wow, what happens when they finish a building? They must have a high turnover in that organization. And they probably get a lot of competition from the Jonestown Builders and the Heaven's Gate Construction Group.
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is The Food Network.

SCENE: Bobby Baccala buries a cake at his wife's grave.

EXTRA SCENE: Pastry chef Jaques Torres from "Passion For Dessert" exhumes the cake and serves it to unsuspecting French tourists, who declare it "nutty with a delightful hint of escargot".

SCENE: Uncle Junior is declared fit to stand trial by the judge assigned to his case.

EXTRA SCENE: Next on the docket is Martha Stewart of "From Martha's Kitchen". Martha is in court for a pre-trial motion to dismiss her insider trading case. Uncle Junior doesn't help when he loudly asks her "What have you heard lately? That ImClone tip saved my ass!" as they meet in the aisle.

SCENE: Janice helps Bobby Baccala accelerate his grieving process by finally eating his late wife's last ziti.

EXTRA SCENE: Emeril Lagasse suggests they BAM! kick it up a notch by stuffing themselves full on the ziti and throwing up on her grave.

SCENE: A.J., Devon, and Bobby Baccala's son and daughter conduct a seance.

EXTRA SCENE: The spirit of "The Two Fat Ladies" late star Jennifer Paterson is accidentally summoned, and she proceeds to eat the stash of Tastykakes Butterscotch Krimpets that A.J. keeps in his bottom desk drawer.

NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: ESPN

Saturday, November 23, 2002

SHAQ IS THAT TALL GUY, RIGHT?

Welcome to TCP's NBA and NHL preview for those who don't watch the NBA or the NHL. The seasons have already started? Well, that should make it easier.

NBA

Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division

Um, the Celtics play here, and I'm pretty sure the Sixers too. And that Jason Kidd guy who beats his wife, he's on the Nets now. I'll predict the Nets. Wife-beaters are pretty tough.

Eastern Conference
The Other Divison

I have no clue. I think the Bulls are in this division. Who cares?

Western Conference
Some Midwestern type name

San Antonio? How did they get a team? I've been there. It's got a nice riverwalk, and the Alamo, and this big ugly dome. That tall Chinese guy in Houston is in this division too. I'm picking the tall Chinese guy.

Western Conference
Pacific Division

The Lakers. They win every year. Why should the other teams even bother? Shaq kind of just stands there and dunks the ball over everybody, and if that doesn't work, that other guy who speaks Italian shoots threes. And Phil Jackson is over there chanting and meditating. It psyches everyone out. Oh, and the Clippers still suck.

Playoffs: Lakers in six. Whatever.

NHL

Some freaky conference name based on some old dead guy. Oh, they got rid of that? When? 10 years ago? I'll be damned!
Eastern Type Division

I know the New York metro area has three teams, the Rangers, the Devils, and the, um, Lizzie Grubman Victims. None of them will win this division, but they will all make the playoffs.

Whatever the Conference name is
Other Eastern Type Division Name

Toronto? Montreal? Ottawa? Medicine Hat? Cleveland? Why doesn't Cleveland have a hockey team? It's pretty cold there. I'll pick Buffalo. But they will get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs when the goalie starts to suck for no apparent reason.

Whatever the Other Conference name is
Midwestern-y Division Name

Oh, there are three divisions in each conference now. Ok, um, I'll go with Atlanta. They always have great pitching.

Whatever the Other Conference name is, this time for real
Midwestern-y Division Name

Wait, Nashville has a hockey team and Cleveland doesn't? That is just wrong. I'm picking Cleveland here, as a protest.

Whatever the Other Conference name is
Not really Midwestern but not really Western Division Name

I think Edmonton is out here. They have that big mall, so I'll pick them. They will also be knocked out of the playoffs in the first round, because they choked.

Whatever the Other Conference name is
Pacific-y Division Name

The L.A. Kings. No, the San Jose Sharks. No, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Phoenix? That's it, I'm picking Cleveland here too. This is ridiculous.

Playoffs: Lots of games. I mean, more games than J Lo ever played with P. Diddy. More games than the regular season, and every one is played until there is a winner, to the point where Gary Thorne and John Davidson are rumored to be lovers. Each round, half the teams will have goalies who choke and lose, and the other half will have goalies that get "hot" and win. And then there will be the finals and no one will watch because the Lakers are on and it's SUMMER for Christ's sake. For what it's worth, I'm taking Cleveland to beat Cleveland in 7 games.
WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?

I just started reading the "Live From New York" book about the history of Saturday Night Live. Turns out, they did a lot of drugs, had sex with each other, and worked really long hours. And Lorne Michaels is either a genius or a little prick, depending on who is still kissing his ass. More details as they become available.

Thursday, November 21, 2002

DAY OFF! DAY-AY-AY OFF!

I spent the first day of my four day weekend watching "Y Tu Mama Tambien", the first movie in history to make three-way sex depressing. Actually it was a great film, but have some kleenex handy, especially the guys.

Wednesday, November 20, 2002

YOU SO CRAZY!

I spent the day upgrading our Micro I/A stations to version 6.2.2. It was every bit as exciting as it sounds.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

GUTEN TAG, HERR DOCTOR

Just got back from the dentist. It went OK, but I still have a vague desire to sign up for grad school at Columbia, run a few miles, and hang out with my secret agent brother.
YOU MEAN I HAVE TO ADD ENTRIES, TOO?

For all of you uncounted several looking for the Crossbow Home Gym (which as far as I can tell doesn't even exist - I think you guys want the Bowflex Home Gym), I have been revamping TCP. I upgraded to BlogSpot Plus, which features a bunch of problems with the standard Blogger templates, the inability to automatically add comments and sitemeter code, and various other anomalies, all for $50 a year! So I spent an hour yesterday and another hour today doing all that stuff by hand that I used to be able to do automatically, and now I have the wondrous site you see before you.

Good luck with that Crossbow Home Gym. Frankly, I would recommend steroids. They're cheaper, easier, and they actually exist.

Monday, November 18, 2002

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is HGTV.

SCENE: Christopher shoots up some smack and then sits on Adriana's dog, killing it.

EXTRA SCENE: "Designing for the Sexes" helps Christopher and Adriana mediate their home decorating dispute. After looking at several options, Christopher finally decides to hang the architect out the window from his ankles while demanding a 90% discount as Adriana bawls hysterically in the bedroom.

SCENE: Tony and Johnny Sack meet under a bridge to discuss the HUD scam.

EXTRA SCENE: Susie Cuehlo from "Surprise Gardener" pops in to liven up the mob meeting landscape. This is the final episode of "Surprise Gardener", if you know what I mean.

SCENE: Paulie Walnuts rescues Tony's painting of Pie-O-My from being burned and hangs it on his wall, then has it retouched so that Tony looks like a general.

EXTRA SCENE: Joan Steffend of "Decorating Cents", where Joan remakes a room every show for "under $500", buys the painting from Paulie for $50 after the eyes continue to creep him out. Paulie later reconsiders the transaction, and for the next six months of shows, Joan has to include $100 vigorish for Paulie in the $500 total.

SCENE: Carmela drops off some kitchen decorating ideas to Furio.

EXTRA SCENE: Furio hires Joan Kohn from "Kitchen Design" to implement the ideas. Carmela comes over to check it out with A.J. in tow. Carmela and Furio exchange meaningful glances while A.J. whines in the background. "Kitchen Design" is cancelled because it's become so incredibly lame.

SCENE: Tony seduces Svetlana, the one-legged Russian woman.

EXTRA SCENE: While Tony and Svetlana are having sex, Norm Abram from the "New Yankee Workshop" accidentally uses Svetlana's artificial leg to make a flower stand.

NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: The Food Network

Saturday, November 16, 2002

CHECK IT OUT NOW

I'd just like to say, it's about time I started getting my due as one of the Funk Brothers.

Friday, November 15, 2002

TIN SOLDIERS AND QAEDA'S COMIN'

In this episode of "Whistling Past the Graveyard", we look at the recent FBI warning that Al Qaeda is planning some "spectacular" terrorist attacks on such things as, um, OIL REFINERIES. For those of you who may not be aware, I work at an ... OIL REFINERY. To allay my anxiety, I've come up with a few ways to recognize Al Qaeda members should they be lurking about.

- Vendor with a Dunkin Donuts box in the shape of a hand-held grenade launcher.

- Dinghy filled with Middle Eastern guys pulls up to the ship dock looking to have their gas tank "topped off".

- 18-wheeled Ryder rental truck making emergency delivery of ammonia fertilizer and fuel oil.

- American Airlines flight 2785, close enough that I can read the in-flight magazine.

- The new IT guy from Saudi Arabia, Ibrahim .

Monday, November 11, 2002

I'LL BE MISSING YOU

To the 20 or so people who accidentally view my site: I'll be at a training class all week, and won't have access to the Internet. I know, you're crushed. I'll be back next Monday with more lame humor. What can I say, I'm the Orny Adams of blogging.
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MSNBC.

SCENE: Ralphie's son get shot accidentally with an arrow.

EXTRA SCENE: HBO/MSNBC Investigates does an hour on bow and arrow safety, repeated for the next two years, which nobody watches.

SCENE: Ralphie snubs Paulie at the Bada Bing.

EXTRA SCENE: Ralphie and Paulie appear on Hardball to resolve their dispute, but are drowned out by Chris Matthews, waxing rhapsodic about his Irish Catholic upbringing, to the point where Ralphie and Paulie both shoot him.

SCENE: Ralphie's horse is killed in an electrical fire.

EXTRA SCENE: HBO/MSNBC Investigates does an hour on electrical safety which is repeated for 3 years, which absolutely nobody ever watches. (I have a lot of balls making fun of MSNBC's ratings considering I usually get 4 accidental hits a day from people looking for information on the Crossbow Home Gym.)

SCENE: Tony kills Ralphie, and Christopher rips the toupee off Ralphie's head while preparing the body for being "disappeared".

EXTRA SCENE: Ashleigh Banfield appears to give the toupee a treatment with L'Oreal Candlelit Golden Brown to help Ralphie stay inconspicuous in the afterlife.

NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: HGTV

Friday, November 08, 2002

SO I RANT, I RANT SO FAR AWAAAAY

I know the rant has got to be the most cliched type of post in the blogger world, but I can't stand it anymore:

What the flying fuck does "breezy" mean? The public radio station in Philadelphia, WHYY, gets its weather forecasts from the Franklin Institute. Nearly every goddamned day, they describe the weather as being "breezy". "Sunny, breezy, highs in the 50's...Milder, breezy, 30% chance of rain...turning breezy later, mostly cloudy, lows in the 30's". EVERY GODDAMNED DAY! Is breezy the same as windy? If it is, why not say "windy"? If it's not windy, then it must be less than windy. How much less? Where does windy become breezy? 5 mph? 10 mph? Is it the capriciousness of the wind as opposed to the speed? And if it is, why in the hell are they trying to describe the capriciousness of wind anyway?

Look, in scientific terms, the movement of air over the surface of the earth is called WIND. A breeze is a light wind of indeterminate speed and force, and is a word often used by fiction writers and poets. It is not to be used as a scientific term in a weather forecast, dammit! If you are going to mention the wind, tell me the expected speed of the wind and its expected prevailing direction. If you don't know, just say it is "variable". Saying it is breezy every fucking day is useless! It says nothing. It's just a meaningless word put in to take up space. STOP IT!

Thank you.
DUH!

So today on the Cassandra mailing list, some guy is asking, should his company go forward with Unix or Windows hardware, and one guy writes that his Sparc box has been running for 500 days, and this bonehead from Invensys tells him it couldn't be running 500 days because Solaris 2.5.1 has a bug in the lbolt where it reboots after 248 days, and then some other guy writes that Sun patched that years ago for Y2K, and he has the output from the uptime command to prove it, plus a link to the patch on Sun's website! Isn't that hilarious?*

*I am now going to kill myself for being such a loser.

Thursday, November 07, 2002

ODE ON A VENDOR LUNCH
with profuse apologies to John Keats, and all his descendants, and all his ancestors for that matter.

Thou still famish'd stomach of business,
Thou foster-child of boredom and slow time,
Sylvan meal, who canst thus express,
A paid-for tale more sweetly than our rhyme:
What onion-ring'd legend haunts about thy shape,
Of soups, or sandwiches or both?
In Bennigans, or the tables of Chili's
What waiters or waitresses are these? What hostesses loth?
What mad e-mails? What struggle to escape?
What drinks and desserts? What wild ecstasy?

O rotund shape! Fair Attitude! with brede
Of marbled beef and shrimp overstuffed,
With forest cake and salad weed,
Thou, sleepy form, dost tease us quite enough
As doth Eternity! Cold leftovers!
When old age doth this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of working woe,
Than ours, a vendor man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is Food, food beauty, -- that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

Thanks, Mike, for all the lunches.

Wednesday, November 06, 2002

JERRY HATHAWAY LIVES!

Check it out. The Crossbow Project is closer to reality than ever. All they have to do is attach that baby to the Space Station, and they're good to go. Watch out from above, Saddam!

Tuesday, November 05, 2002

MEMO TO SELF: WEAR A CUP TO WORK

I just got back from a meeting introducing the employees to some of the new Vice Presidents. One of the new VP's is named Dick Severance. I am not making this up (If you've read my weblog, you'd know that I am not capable of making this up).

Man, this company means business!
EVERY VOTE COUNTS (IF IT MANAGES TO GET COUNTED)

Today is Election Day, so I'll be trotting off to the polls after work. Let's have a look at my choices:

GOVERNOR OF PENNSYLVANIA

Democrat Ed Rendell, former mayor of Philadelphia, has a double-digit lead in the polls over his Republican opponent, Attorney General Mike Fisher. Rendell is running way ahead in the populous Philadelphia and Pittsburgh precincts, which usually far outpoll the rest of the state. We losers out here in the sticks couldn't swing this thing if we found naked pictures of Rendell with John Allen Muhammed. Fisher is toast.

U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, 7th DISTRICT OF PENNSYLVANIA

Republican incumbent Curt Weldon is running against his usual token opposition. This time it's some lawyer named Peter Lennon. He'd have better name recognition if he changed his first name to John, but he still wouldn't win.

STATE SENATOR, 9th DISTRICT

Republican Dominic Pileggi is running against Democrat Thaddeus Kirkland and Independent Henry Detering. Kirkland and Detering have almost no prayer due to heavy Republican gerrymandering over the last, oh, 100 years. The map of District 9, like all the other districts around here, look like the sketches Charles Manson draws when he's off his Thorazine.

STATE REPRESENTATIVE, 160th DISTRICT

Republican Stephen Barrar is running unopposed. He's been celebrating for weeks now by stealing pension checks from old ladies.

THE USUAL GAGGLE OF JUDGESHIPS, COUNTY AND TOWN COUNCIL SEATS AND PROPOSITIONS

Who knows? I defy anyone to tell me where to locate this information short of standing in line at the county clerk's office. I guess I'll find out when I get in the voting booth, like I usually do. Speaking of which, my township still uses voting machines that were built around 1952. I'm thinking of writing in Dwight Eisenhower for every office. It seems only fitting.

Makes you feel so proud to be an American, doesn't it?

Monday, November 04, 2002

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is FOX.

SCENE: Paulie visits his childhood friend, who is the principal at a high school.

EXTRA SCENE: In a scene written by David E. Kelley, we learn more about the high school. It's an inner city school where the kids are all tough, but with hearts of gold, one of the teachers is Fyvush Finkel, and all the rest of the teachers are young and extremely good looking.

SCENE: Paulie's enforcers chase the school principal down the hallway.

EXTRA SCENE: This is only one scene of an hour-long episode of "When Mob Goons Attack".

SCENE: Tony has an afternoon fling with Ralphie's new girlfriend, Valentina.

EXTRA SCENE: Later, in another scene written by David E. Kelley, Valentina becomes anorexic and imagines Ralphie dancing naked with a dildo up his ass to the beginning of "Hooked On A Feeling".

SCENE: Tony, Paulie, and Silvio are having dinner with their goomahs.

EXTRA SCENE: In still yet another scene written by David E. Kelley*, the three mobster girlfriends are really lawyers who live together in a palatial apartment and pout a lot while wearing their underwear.

SCENE: Tony sings a passage from the song "Eclipse" from Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" to himself in the shower.

EXTRA SCENE: Paula Abdul lavishes praise, but Simon Cowell calls it the most wretched performance by the most disgusting pile of blubber he's ever seen, whereupon Tony shoves a .45 in Simon's mouth and blows his brains out.

*I can't even come up with a weblog entry this weekend, and this guy has three TV shows going. And he's married to Michelle Pfeiffer. Oh how I hate him so.

NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MSNBC

Friday, November 01, 2002

Thursday, October 31, 2002

I'M BACK, YOU SNIPER JOKE FIENDS

Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!

(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)
John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.

Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."

Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

FIREMAN TIM

Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.

The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.

Monday, October 28, 2002

SIGN NO. 7,856,203 THAT WE MIGHT JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH FIREARMS IN THIS COUNTRY

TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.

A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.

TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.

An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.


"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.

SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.

EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.

SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.

EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."

SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.

EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.

SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.

EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"

SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.

EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.

NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX
WE TOOK IT ONE CLICHE AT A TIME

Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.

ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON

"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''

DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE

"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."

ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL

"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''

DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS

"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."

ANGELS' TROY GLAUS

"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."

DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN

"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."

ANGELS' TIM SALMON

"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."

DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX

"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?

Friday, October 25, 2002

JODIDN'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING TODAY

I was at The Jodiverse all afternoon. Go there, and read a real web site.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

LAKE. BIG LAKE.

Check out the bottom of my water bill:





Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?

"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"

"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."

"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"
PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:

1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.

2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.

3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.

4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.

5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.

Vote Today!

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

I'LL SHOW YOU MINE, YOU SHOW ME YOURS

Let the FreeCell trash talking begin!



GOTTA KEEP THAT #1 GOOGLE RANKING SOMEHOW

Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!

TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER

10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.
9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.
8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.
7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.
6. Uri Geller.
5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.
4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.
3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.
2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"

And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:

1. Getting up and going to work every morning.

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

BASEBALL: THE PACIFIC COAST'S PASTIME

I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.

Saturday, 10/19/02:

9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.
10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ

Sunday, 10/20/02:

9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".
10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02

10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Is it over yet?
FREE AD COPY
There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.

The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!

I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.

Monday, October 21, 2002

OK, WE HAVE A SONG, NOW LET'S WRITE A MOVIE!

The number one box-office movie is "Sweet Home Alabama", starring Reese Witherspoon in a light-hearted romantic comedy about a young woman who lives in New York returning to her Southern roots. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the song "Sweet Home Alabama" was a redneck racist screed written by Lynryd Skynyrd in response to the civil rights song "Southern Man" by Neil Young. In case there is any doubt, the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama include:

Well I heard mister Young sing about her
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow

and,

In Birmingham they love the gov' nor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth

The last stanza is a reference to George Wallace and his atrocious behavior, which even he himself apologized for, in response to federal orders from the Kennedy and Johnson administrations to integrate the Alabama school system in the 1960's. Skynyrd then throws in an endorsement of the presidency of Richard Nixon to top things off.

Apparently, in Hollywood, the need to attach a hit song to a movie far outweighs any serious consideration of the actual song lyrics. So, I figured, why should Hollywood stop there? Here are a few coming attractions from Tinseltown:

"Bennie And The Jets" - A sweet animated children's fable about a cuddly mouse and his faithful sidekicks, with the voice of Matthew Broderick.

"Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life" - Ashley Judd and Chris O'Donnell star in this funny, romantic story of a girl trying to make her mark.

"99 Red Balloons" - Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck make romance at the circus.
CONVERSATION OVERHEARD AT THE GYM THE OTHER DAY

Guy #1: Hi!

Guy #2: Hey, how are you?

Guy #1: Great, and you? You going to the reunion?

Guy #2: I'm fine. Yeah, looking forward to it.

Guy #1: Do you remember...what's his name, lived on the corner?

Guy #2: Yeah. Didn't he have a sister?

Guy #1: No...did he?

Guy #2: Yeah I think so. How about that other guy we played baseball with?

Guy #1: Oh yeah. Wait, which one?

Guy #2: I forget his name.

(this goes on for several minutes)

Guy #1: Well, have a good one...what's your name?

Guy #2: Jim

Guy #1: Oh, yeah, right.
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the first in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is the Eternal Word Television Network.

SCENE: Artie Bucco goes over to the Jean-Phillipe's apartment to get his money back.

EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil Intintola consoles Artie in the confessional booth. Upon hearing of Artie's plight, Father Phil goes over to crack open the lying Frog's head with his crucifix. One thing leads to another, and the words "Sacre Bleu!" are heard as Father Phil unzips his pants.

SCENE: A.J. and Devon cruise the streets after Meadow turns down their request to have sex in her dorm room.

EXTRA SCENE: The two young lovers end up in Father Phil's rectory. One thing leads to another, and Devon begins to question A.J.'s sexual preference.

SCENE: Tony has a dream about Gloria removing a scarf from her neck.

EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is in the room with Gloria and Tony, naked. Tony begins to question his sexual preference.

SCENE: Jean-Phillipe opens his door and sees an angry looking Furio.

EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is right behind. Furio was just mad that he wasn't invited the last time. He's got a major priest fantasy.

NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: E!

Sunday, October 20, 2002

D.C. SNIPER JOKES THAT GET LESS AND LESS FUNNY EVERY DAY

I hear Chief Moose has some new ideas on the shooter. He's narrowed it down to Reggie, Archie and Mr. Wetherbee.

Police have told residents to move quickly in grocery store parking lots. What, no more bringing my chaise longue?

The ballistics experts say that the bullet the sniper fires travels 3200 feet/second. Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Randy Moss all said they can catch it. Teammates and league officials were all in favor of letting them try.

You've been great! I'll be here all we....BANG! THUD!

Saturday, October 19, 2002

I've been hearing a lot about this movie "Auto-Focus" about the life of Bob Crane, and how we was a sex addict who taped his conquests with this creepy John Carpenter dude. It got me to thinking, what other 60's and 70's sitcom stars led secret lives, but we never heard about it because they never got bludgeoned with a tripod? Here are a few suggestions, in a match-em-up format. Match the sitcom star with his or her secret life (you know, assuming ANYBODY ever reads this lame piece of shit weblog):





1. Alan Thickea. Officiated at Midget-Tossing contests throughout the Midwest in disguise
2. Joyce DeWittb. Slung hash at an all-nude roadside diner in Texarkana
3. Karen Grassle*c. Was a mule for the Cali cartel
4. Morey Amsterdamd. Longtime associate of the Reykjavik, Iceland underworld
5. Bill Dailye. Serial hijacker of Meals-On-Wheels trucks

*Yes, "Little House On The Prairie" was too a comedy. You expect me to believe a show with Merlin Olsen in it was a drama?

Friday, October 18, 2002

IT IS SO FRID...

Well, it's Friday afternoon here at Insert-Name-Here-Global-Oil-Conglomerate, and in keeping with the lack of work ethic around here, I'm not going to finish any of my sent...

Everybody here is pretty much playing Solitaire, shooting the shit, or printing out maps for weekend geta....

So why should I both....?

I was thinking of something funny earlier but, I can't remem....

These sentences are getting....

They're almost compl....

Hey, Cut....

Aaa....
TIGER WOODS TAKES A STAND...AGAINST TAKING A STAND

Tiger Woods drew a proverbial line in the sand trap today in the Augusta National Country Club gender discrimination dispute between Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson and the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations Martha Burk, saying forcefully "Hootie is right, and Martha is right".

Many observers noted that not since the stirring days of Neville Chamberlain and Marshal Petain has such courage of lack of conviction been demonstrated so eloquently. Woods went on to authoritatively declare his vehemence against engagement in the issue by saying, "Is it unfair? Yes. Do I want to see a female member? Yes. But it's our right to have any club set up the way we want to." Woods also feels supremely confident that either good or evil will win out, adding that the dispute will be resolved, "`one way or another''.

Spokesmen for Buick, Nike, American Express, and Rolex, all well-known for their impassioned non-involvement in progressive political activism, expressed approval with Tiger's iron will. "That's why we love Tiger", said Nike's Phil Knight. "He's got the backbone to not stick up for what he believes in, or even to believe in anything in the first place, and that takes real guts."
Hello and welcome to The Crossbow Project! I am your host. My name is on this entry. Go ahead, Google me! Use the White Pages, I really don't care! I even have an Amazon account, check it out! Turn into an amateur sleuth for a while, it's fun. Just try not to be an Adrian Monk-type detective. He's kind of freaky, all that wiping off stuff. And Bitty Schram is hot, with her perpetual cleavage, so why doesn't he go after her? If he was Quincy, he'd be carefully examining her bikini-clad body on his houseboat, you can bet on that. No, you'd be better off being a Quincy-type or a Jim Rockford. Although Rockford always had that scumbag Angel hanging around, and he lived in a trailer. But I digress.

Ok, are you done being a virtual gumshoe? You've probably learned that I am in my mid 30's, married, no kids, and I live outside of Philadelphia. I work as an engineer for a rapacious multinational oil concern as well, even though I've professed some quasi-liberal leanings. Why? Because their money is extremely good, and the work is challenging though not too much so.

So, what is The Crossbow Project? You can look that up too, you know. Done? Yes, it's my homage to "Real Genius", starring Val Kilmer. Every weblog has to have a name, and it seemed as good as any. I identified with Mitch Taylor more than Chris Knight, but there is also a bit of Laszlo Holyfeld in me. I definitely would have chosen to live alone in my pajamas in the steam tunnels if my alma mater had any steam tunnels, and if I wore pajamas. But Mitch was more accurate a portrayal of my college days, minus the prodigious intellect of course. I got by with B's mostly in college, which earned me this fabulous career helping to boil oil, as opposed to a fellowship at the Rand Corporation. Mitch was more my emotional and social Doppelganger, what with his inability to score with the beauticians at the Tanning Invitational. He did manage to snag hyperkinetic older woman Jordan Cochran, which was beyond even my feeble skills in college, so he was sort of one-up on me there as well.

What will this weblog be about? Well, they say to write what you know, and I intend to follow that advice, but don't worry; this weblog will not be exclusively about masturbation and baseball. Only mostly. Let's get on with it, shall we?