Saturday, October 19, 2002

I've been hearing a lot about this movie "Auto-Focus" about the life of Bob Crane, and how we was a sex addict who taped his conquests with this creepy John Carpenter dude. It got me to thinking, what other 60's and 70's sitcom stars led secret lives, but we never heard about it because they never got bludgeoned with a tripod? Here are a few suggestions, in a match-em-up format. Match the sitcom star with his or her secret life (you know, assuming ANYBODY ever reads this lame piece of shit weblog):





1. Alan Thickea. Officiated at Midget-Tossing contests throughout the Midwest in disguise
2. Joyce DeWittb. Slung hash at an all-nude roadside diner in Texarkana
3. Karen Grassle*c. Was a mule for the Cali cartel
4. Morey Amsterdamd. Longtime associate of the Reykjavik, Iceland underworld
5. Bill Dailye. Serial hijacker of Meals-On-Wheels trucks

*Yes, "Little House On The Prairie" was too a comedy. You expect me to believe a show with Merlin Olsen in it was a drama?

Friday, October 18, 2002

IT IS SO FRID...

Well, it's Friday afternoon here at Insert-Name-Here-Global-Oil-Conglomerate, and in keeping with the lack of work ethic around here, I'm not going to finish any of my sent...

Everybody here is pretty much playing Solitaire, shooting the shit, or printing out maps for weekend geta....

So why should I both....?

I was thinking of something funny earlier but, I can't remem....

These sentences are getting....

They're almost compl....

Hey, Cut....

Aaa....
TIGER WOODS TAKES A STAND...AGAINST TAKING A STAND

Tiger Woods drew a proverbial line in the sand trap today in the Augusta National Country Club gender discrimination dispute between Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson and the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations Martha Burk, saying forcefully "Hootie is right, and Martha is right".

Many observers noted that not since the stirring days of Neville Chamberlain and Marshal Petain has such courage of lack of conviction been demonstrated so eloquently. Woods went on to authoritatively declare his vehemence against engagement in the issue by saying, "Is it unfair? Yes. Do I want to see a female member? Yes. But it's our right to have any club set up the way we want to." Woods also feels supremely confident that either good or evil will win out, adding that the dispute will be resolved, "`one way or another''.

Spokesmen for Buick, Nike, American Express, and Rolex, all well-known for their impassioned non-involvement in progressive political activism, expressed approval with Tiger's iron will. "That's why we love Tiger", said Nike's Phil Knight. "He's got the backbone to not stick up for what he believes in, or even to believe in anything in the first place, and that takes real guts."
Hello and welcome to The Crossbow Project! I am your host. My name is on this entry. Go ahead, Google me! Use the White Pages, I really don't care! I even have an Amazon account, check it out! Turn into an amateur sleuth for a while, it's fun. Just try not to be an Adrian Monk-type detective. He's kind of freaky, all that wiping off stuff. And Bitty Schram is hot, with her perpetual cleavage, so why doesn't he go after her? If he was Quincy, he'd be carefully examining her bikini-clad body on his houseboat, you can bet on that. No, you'd be better off being a Quincy-type or a Jim Rockford. Although Rockford always had that scumbag Angel hanging around, and he lived in a trailer. But I digress.

Ok, are you done being a virtual gumshoe? You've probably learned that I am in my mid 30's, married, no kids, and I live outside of Philadelphia. I work as an engineer for a rapacious multinational oil concern as well, even though I've professed some quasi-liberal leanings. Why? Because their money is extremely good, and the work is challenging though not too much so.

So, what is The Crossbow Project? You can look that up too, you know. Done? Yes, it's my homage to "Real Genius", starring Val Kilmer. Every weblog has to have a name, and it seemed as good as any. I identified with Mitch Taylor more than Chris Knight, but there is also a bit of Laszlo Holyfeld in me. I definitely would have chosen to live alone in my pajamas in the steam tunnels if my alma mater had any steam tunnels, and if I wore pajamas. But Mitch was more accurate a portrayal of my college days, minus the prodigious intellect of course. I got by with B's mostly in college, which earned me this fabulous career helping to boil oil, as opposed to a fellowship at the Rand Corporation. Mitch was more my emotional and social Doppelganger, what with his inability to score with the beauticians at the Tanning Invitational. He did manage to snag hyperkinetic older woman Jordan Cochran, which was beyond even my feeble skills in college, so he was sort of one-up on me there as well.

What will this weblog be about? Well, they say to write what you know, and I intend to follow that advice, but don't worry; this weblog will not be exclusively about masturbation and baseball. Only mostly. Let's get on with it, shall we?