TO ALL MY WEIDERS

As I was castigated by one of my accidental readers yesterday, there is in fact such a thing as a "Crossbow Home Gym". The reason I mention the "Crossbow Home Gym", other than to attract more accidental readers, is to say that I'm pretty skeptical about the "Crossbow Home Gym". I used to own a Soloflex, which is the "Crossbow Home Gym" with rubber bands instead of tubes, and here's pretty much how that went down:

- I bought the Soloflex for more money than I'd ever seen in one place.
- The Soloflex arrived in three or four cardboard boxes which weighed slightly more than Jupiter.
- I found a nice spot in my apartment and put the Soloflex together, which burned about 3500 calories by itself.
- My landlord stopped by and told me to move the Soloflex, because it was on a carpet and he said it would get the carpet greasy. The Soloflex is made of steel and has no grease anywhere on it. My landlord was and surely still is a certifiable knucklehead.
- I moved the Soloflex to a less desirable location, burning another 3500 calories.
- I used the Soloflex 3 times a week for 12 weeks, just like it says in the directions. Well, maybe 2 times a week some weeks. Well, since I had to stick it in a spare bedroom with no access to a TV or stereo system, and oh yeah, I'm really, really LAZY, I kinda stopped using it altogether on some weeks. Ok, every week.
- I put the Soloflex back in the cardboard boxes (3500 more calories!).
- I sold the Soloflex for an amount of money I was eminently familiar with.

For all my troubles, I burned about 10,500 calories putting it together, moving it, and taking it apart, plus the few hundred I burned actually using it as intended. I'm thinking the "Crossbow Home Gym" would yield similar results, except I now own instead of rent, so the calories expended would drop by 3500.

And, of course, I'd miss all those warm, wonderful, kind, and thoughtful people down at my health club...

YOU'LL READ IT AND LIKE IT!

Let's see...

Nothing humorously interesting has happened to me in the last few weeks. I am not currently angry about anything. The news is a relentless drumbeat of depressing sameness. It's too cold to go watch movies or otherwise leave the house. Television has settled into a fragmented patchwork of lame reality shows, bad sitcoms, derivative cop shows, and endless cable re-runs. My football teams have been eliminated from contention. Baseball is weeks away. I am deep in the middle of my Seasonal Affective Disorder. The book I am reading is leaden and lifeless. Work is...work.

Nope. You ain't gettin' no blog entry today!

Except for that cop-out above, of course. Boy, I must be the only blogger campaigning for negative Blizg votes.

D.I.Y.

Write your own joke:

The Bush Administration wants to administer literacy tests to pre-school children who take part in the federal Head Start program.

Here's one: The tests will be rolled out as soon as they find one that the President can pass.

Submit yours today!

TOP TEN '"AL SHARPTON FOR PRESIDENT" CAMPAIGN SLOGANS

10. "Nuttier Than Alan Keyes, With Half The Integrity"
9. "OK, White America, If It Makes You Feel Any Better, Tawana Lied. Can We Move On Now?"
8. "Elect Me, And Nicole's Real Killer Will Be Found"
7. "More Controversial Than Jesse Jackson, With Half The Vocabulary"
6. "If Elected, I'll Make Don King An Ambassador, So At Least We'll Get Rid Of Him"
5. "I Will Help The Downtrodden, Like Michael Jackson"
4. "I'm Smarter Than Bush, And I Even Look Better In A Cowboy Hat"
3. "I'm Not Hillary"
2. "If I'm Still Too Fat, No Problem, Just Throw Me In Jail Again"

And the Number 1 "Al Sharpton For President" campaign slogan is:

1. "At Least You're Paying Attention To Me"

WOULD I LIE?

Sorry, no entry today. I was kind of busy at work, as revolting as that sounds. However, if you look through my past entries, you will discover:

a. The key to Revelations
b. The Kentucky Fried Chicken secret recipe
c. The missing 18-1/2 minutes of the Nixon Watergate tapes, and the identity of Deep Throat
d. The end of split ends forever!

So get digging!