Friday, January 03, 2003

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...HIM

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'll be spending it at a birthday party...for somebody else.

If this state of affairs doesn't describe my existence to this point, I don't know what does.

Thursday, January 02, 2003

VH-HUH?

My wife and I spent New Year's Eve watching "Top 100 One Hit Wonders" on VH-1. It started at 9 PM, and went until 2 AM. It wasn't exactly Times Square, but I did learn a lot of useless trivia. Since most of you were inebriated at the time of the show's airing, I will relate the highlights to you.

- The lead singer of Bow Wow Wow ("I Want Candy") is Burmese.
- There was no such person named "C.W. McCall" of "Convoy" fame. The name was made up for a series of commercials from which the song arose.
- Michael Sembello wrote "Maniac" for a horror movie soundtrack. The producers of "Flashdance" called, said they loved the song, and asked him to change the words.
- Lipps, Inc. ("Funkytown") was really a white guy.
- Andrea True from the Andrea True Connection ("More, More, More") was a porn star.
- "867-5309" was the phone number of people in over 100 area codes.
- Minnie Riperton ("Loving You"), who died of breast cancer in 1979, is the mother of Maya Rudolph from the cast of "Saturday Night Live"
- Paul Shaffer was a co-writer on "It's Raining Men". Yes, that Paul Shaffer.
- Martha Wash of The Weather Girls ("It's Raining Men") also sings on C+C Music Factory's "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)", but was considered too overweight to appear in the video.
- The Tom Tom Club ("Genius Of Love") included Chris Frantz and Tina Weymouth from Talking Heads. I should have known this, but I didn't.
- Nick Gilder ("Hot Child In The City") is a full-on freak. That's really an opinion, but I'm sure it is shared by a majority of viewers.
- The Verve sampled the Rolling Stones to make "Bittersweet Symphony", got into big trouble, and broke up. Another one I missed.
- Debbie Boone ("You Light Up My Life") was briefly married to Rob Halford of Judas Priest, before Halford came out of the closet.
- David Letterman starred on the Starland Vocal Band's ("Afternoon Delight") short-lived variety show.
- EMF ("Unbelievable") stands for Epsom Mad Funkers.
- Wild Cherry ("Play That Funky Music") named themselves after the Ludens Cough Drops of the same name.
- Dexy's Midnight Runners ("Come On Eileen") named themselves after the amphetamine Dexedrine.
- "The Macarena" is still the stupidest thing ever invented. Yes, another opinion, but once again well substantiated.
- Being a one-hit wonder is dangerous to your health. At least 10 of the band members on the list died before their 40th birthday.

I made up one of the above "facts". It's fairly easy to spot and confirm. But please feel free to spread it like wildfire so that it becomes true for all intents and purposes.

Monday, December 30, 2002

TOP TEN POSSIBLE FUTURE BENEFITS OF RAELIAN CLONING

10. Raelians will be able to kick Scientologists' asses.
9. Cult of Celine Dion will no longer be so prominent.
8. French waiters to be replaced by clones if they continue to be snotty.
7. Cloning of Jerry Lewis means hundreds more muscular dystrophy telethons.
6. French Olympic pairs ice skating judges to be cloned; extra supply will lower market price.
5. Jean-Claude Van Damme clones to patrol major cities - no, wait, he's Belgian. Oh, well, whatever, same difference.
4. Thousands of clones to infiltrate Iraqi regime, begin surrendering to U.S. immediately.
3. Montreal Expos sign team of Ted Williams' clones, win World Series.
2. More organs available for transplant when Raelians inevitably commit mass suicide.

And the number 1 benefit of Raelian cloning is:

1. Gerard Depardieux!