DEAR MR. MANKOFF

I was reading "The Naked Cartoonist", by Robert Mankoff, cartoon editor of the New Yorker, and I got some inspriration. Since I can't draw, I don't have a drawing tablet, and I only have Microsoft Paint, this was the best I could do.



Back to obscurity.

REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE!

Ok, the Bitty Schram pic was poor, but this Karen Grassle one (yes Google searchers, it's Karen Grassle NUDE!) is certified genuine.



And I'm off tomorrow, so today is my Friday!

EPLOIDS: THE NEW FLOOZ

With today's tasty lunch, which includes a snack of Sour Cream and Onion Lay's Potato Chips, I will have enough ePloids to obtain the Notebook and Gel Pen, which all the smart chemical engineers will be carrying in 2003. It's been a long time coming, and I think it's time for a celebration.

Unfortunately, I have a chronic gastro-intestinal disorder, so we'll have to postpone that. Can't wait for that Notebook and Gel Pen!!!

BITTY SCHRAM NUDE!

Due to overwhelming demand, I've done an exhaustive Internet search, scanning newsgroups, fan sites, and various sites of ill repute (where I've grudgingly come to accept that "absolutely free" = $5.95 per month). Unfortunately, the following image was the best I could come up with. It appears to be taken during an early modeling session for some sort of beach-related product:



Just remember: There's no crying in blogging!

OF COURSE IT'S GENUINE!

Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?

SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.

TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?

SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.

TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?

SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.

TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?

SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."

TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?

SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.

TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.

SELMA: Sure.

TCP: We're out on the highway now.

SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!

TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?

SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK

This is the last (thank you God) in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MTV.

SCENE: Irina calls Carmela to tell her that Tony has been having sex with her one-legged cousin, Svetlana.

EXTRA SCENE: Irina hangs up and calls Sharon Osbourne to tell her that Ozzy has been having sex with Svetlana's artificial leg.

SCENE: Tony sleeps at the shore house he is trying to buy after Carmela throws him out.

EXTRA SCENE: "Cribs" pops in to profile Tony's shore house. The highlight of the episode is when Tony repeatedly introduces one of the crew members to the bottom of the toilet bowl in his own unique way.

SCENE: Tony, Chris, Carmine, and Johnny Sack meet in the park to discuss a compromise on the HUD scam.

EXTRA SCENE: Johnny Knoxville and the boys from "Jackass" show up to tell the mobsters that they have the whole thing on tape, and then run like hell.

SCENE: Tony's guys on his yacht "The Stugotz" blast Dean Martin music at the lawyer who owns the shore house Tony no longer wants to buy because the lawyer won't return the deposit.

EXTRA SCENE: "Shore Thing Summer Sopranos Style" continues with a Frank Sinatra look-a-like contest, guest appearances by Ann-Margret and Joey Bishop, and a special TRL with Luciano Pavarotti in a Speedo.

This is it for the 4th season of "The Sopranos". This lame bit will be back next season, if this weblog makes it that long before dying of apathy and self-loathing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody!