JODIDN'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING TODAY
I was at The Jodiverse all afternoon. Go there, and read a real web site.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
LAKE. BIG LAKE.
Check out the bottom of my water bill:
Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?
"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"
"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."
"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"
Check out the bottom of my water bill:
Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?
"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"
"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."
"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"
PRECIOUS MOMENTS
Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:
1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.
2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.
3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.
4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.
5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.
Vote Today!
Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:
1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.
2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.
3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.
4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.
5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.
Vote Today!
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
GOTTA KEEP THAT #1 GOOGLE RANKING SOMEHOW
Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!
TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER
10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.
9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.
8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.
7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.
6. Uri Geller.
5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.
4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.
3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.
2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"
And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:
1. Getting up and going to work every morning.
Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!
TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER
10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.
9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.
8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.
7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.
6. Uri Geller.
5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.
4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.
3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.
2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"
And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:
1. Getting up and going to work every morning.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
BASEBALL: THE PACIFIC COAST'S PASTIME
I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.
Saturday, 10/19/02:
9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.
10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, 10/20/02:
9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".
10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02
10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Is it over yet?
I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.
Saturday, 10/19/02:
9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.
10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, 10/20/02:
9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".
10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02
10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Is it over yet?
FREE AD COPY
There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.
The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!
I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.
There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.
The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!
I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.
Monday, October 21, 2002
OK, WE HAVE A SONG, NOW LET'S WRITE A MOVIE!
The number one box-office movie is "Sweet Home Alabama", starring Reese Witherspoon in a light-hearted romantic comedy about a young woman who lives in New York returning to her Southern roots. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the song "Sweet Home Alabama" was a redneck racist screed written by Lynryd Skynyrd in response to the civil rights song "Southern Man" by Neil Young. In case there is any doubt, the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama include:
Well I heard mister Young sing about her
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow
and,
In Birmingham they love the gov' nor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth
The last stanza is a reference to George Wallace and his atrocious behavior, which even he himself apologized for, in response to federal orders from the Kennedy and Johnson administrations to integrate the Alabama school system in the 1960's. Skynyrd then throws in an endorsement of the presidency of Richard Nixon to top things off.
Apparently, in Hollywood, the need to attach a hit song to a movie far outweighs any serious consideration of the actual song lyrics. So, I figured, why should Hollywood stop there? Here are a few coming attractions from Tinseltown:
"Bennie And The Jets" - A sweet animated children's fable about a cuddly mouse and his faithful sidekicks, with the voice of Matthew Broderick.
"Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life" - Ashley Judd and Chris O'Donnell star in this funny, romantic story of a girl trying to make her mark.
"99 Red Balloons" - Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck make romance at the circus.
The number one box-office movie is "Sweet Home Alabama", starring Reese Witherspoon in a light-hearted romantic comedy about a young woman who lives in New York returning to her Southern roots. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the song "Sweet Home Alabama" was a redneck racist screed written by Lynryd Skynyrd in response to the civil rights song "Southern Man" by Neil Young. In case there is any doubt, the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama include:
Well I heard mister Young sing about her
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow
and,
In Birmingham they love the gov' nor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth
The last stanza is a reference to George Wallace and his atrocious behavior, which even he himself apologized for, in response to federal orders from the Kennedy and Johnson administrations to integrate the Alabama school system in the 1960's. Skynyrd then throws in an endorsement of the presidency of Richard Nixon to top things off.
Apparently, in Hollywood, the need to attach a hit song to a movie far outweighs any serious consideration of the actual song lyrics. So, I figured, why should Hollywood stop there? Here are a few coming attractions from Tinseltown:
"Bennie And The Jets" - A sweet animated children's fable about a cuddly mouse and his faithful sidekicks, with the voice of Matthew Broderick.
"Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life" - Ashley Judd and Chris O'Donnell star in this funny, romantic story of a girl trying to make her mark.
"99 Red Balloons" - Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck make romance at the circus.
CONVERSATION OVERHEARD AT THE GYM THE OTHER DAY
Guy #1: Hi!
Guy #2: Hey, how are you?
Guy #1: Great, and you? You going to the reunion?
Guy #2: I'm fine. Yeah, looking forward to it.
Guy #1: Do you remember...what's his name, lived on the corner?
Guy #2: Yeah. Didn't he have a sister?
Guy #1: No...did he?
Guy #2: Yeah I think so. How about that other guy we played baseball with?
Guy #1: Oh yeah. Wait, which one?
Guy #2: I forget his name.
(this goes on for several minutes)
Guy #1: Well, have a good one...what's your name?
Guy #2: Jim
Guy #1: Oh, yeah, right.
Guy #1: Hi!
Guy #2: Hey, how are you?
Guy #1: Great, and you? You going to the reunion?
Guy #2: I'm fine. Yeah, looking forward to it.
Guy #1: Do you remember...what's his name, lived on the corner?
Guy #2: Yeah. Didn't he have a sister?
Guy #1: No...did he?
Guy #2: Yeah I think so. How about that other guy we played baseball with?
Guy #1: Oh yeah. Wait, which one?
Guy #2: I forget his name.
(this goes on for several minutes)
Guy #1: Well, have a good one...what's your name?
Guy #2: Jim
Guy #1: Oh, yeah, right.
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the first in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is the Eternal Word Television Network.
SCENE: Artie Bucco goes over to the Jean-Phillipe's apartment to get his money back.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil Intintola consoles Artie in the confessional booth. Upon hearing of Artie's plight, Father Phil goes over to crack open the lying Frog's head with his crucifix. One thing leads to another, and the words "Sacre Bleu!" are heard as Father Phil unzips his pants.
SCENE: A.J. and Devon cruise the streets after Meadow turns down their request to have sex in her dorm room.
EXTRA SCENE: The two young lovers end up in Father Phil's rectory. One thing leads to another, and Devon begins to question A.J.'s sexual preference.
SCENE: Tony has a dream about Gloria removing a scarf from her neck.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is in the room with Gloria and Tony, naked. Tony begins to question his sexual preference.
SCENE: Jean-Phillipe opens his door and sees an angry looking Furio.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is right behind. Furio was just mad that he wasn't invited the last time. He's got a major priest fantasy.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: E!
This is the first in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is the Eternal Word Television Network.
SCENE: Artie Bucco goes over to the Jean-Phillipe's apartment to get his money back.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil Intintola consoles Artie in the confessional booth. Upon hearing of Artie's plight, Father Phil goes over to crack open the lying Frog's head with his crucifix. One thing leads to another, and the words "Sacre Bleu!" are heard as Father Phil unzips his pants.
SCENE: A.J. and Devon cruise the streets after Meadow turns down their request to have sex in her dorm room.
EXTRA SCENE: The two young lovers end up in Father Phil's rectory. One thing leads to another, and Devon begins to question A.J.'s sexual preference.
SCENE: Tony has a dream about Gloria removing a scarf from her neck.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is in the room with Gloria and Tony, naked. Tony begins to question his sexual preference.
SCENE: Jean-Phillipe opens his door and sees an angry looking Furio.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is right behind. Furio was just mad that he wasn't invited the last time. He's got a major priest fantasy.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: E!
Sunday, October 20, 2002
D.C. SNIPER JOKES THAT GET LESS AND LESS FUNNY EVERY DAY
I hear Chief Moose has some new ideas on the shooter. He's narrowed it down to Reggie, Archie and Mr. Wetherbee.
Police have told residents to move quickly in grocery store parking lots. What, no more bringing my chaise longue?
The ballistics experts say that the bullet the sniper fires travels 3200 feet/second. Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Randy Moss all said they can catch it. Teammates and league officials were all in favor of letting them try.
You've been great! I'll be here all we....BANG! THUD!
I hear Chief Moose has some new ideas on the shooter. He's narrowed it down to Reggie, Archie and Mr. Wetherbee.
Police have told residents to move quickly in grocery store parking lots. What, no more bringing my chaise longue?
The ballistics experts say that the bullet the sniper fires travels 3200 feet/second. Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Randy Moss all said they can catch it. Teammates and league officials were all in favor of letting them try.
You've been great! I'll be here all we....BANG! THUD!
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