SHAQ IS THAT TALL GUY, RIGHT?
Welcome to TCP's NBA and NHL preview for those who don't watch the NBA or the NHL. The seasons have already started? Well, that should make it easier.
NBA
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
Um, the Celtics play here, and I'm pretty sure the Sixers too. And that Jason Kidd guy who beats his wife, he's on the Nets now. I'll predict the Nets. Wife-beaters are pretty tough.
Eastern Conference
The Other Divison
I have no clue. I think the Bulls are in this division. Who cares?
Western Conference
Some Midwestern type name
San Antonio? How did they get a team? I've been there. It's got a nice riverwalk, and the Alamo, and this big ugly dome. That tall Chinese guy in Houston is in this division too. I'm picking the tall Chinese guy.
Western Conference
Pacific Division
The Lakers. They win every year. Why should the other teams even bother? Shaq kind of just stands there and dunks the ball over everybody, and if that doesn't work, that other guy who speaks Italian shoots threes. And Phil Jackson is over there chanting and meditating. It psyches everyone out. Oh, and the Clippers still suck.
Playoffs: Lakers in six. Whatever.
NHL
Some freaky conference name based on some old dead guy. Oh, they got rid of that? When? 10 years ago? I'll be damned!
Eastern Type Division
I know the New York metro area has three teams, the Rangers, the Devils, and the, um, Lizzie Grubman Victims. None of them will win this division, but they will all make the playoffs.
Whatever the Conference name is
Other Eastern Type Division Name
Toronto? Montreal? Ottawa? Medicine Hat? Cleveland? Why doesn't Cleveland have a hockey team? It's pretty cold there. I'll pick Buffalo. But they will get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs when the goalie starts to suck for no apparent reason.
Whatever the Other Conference name is
Midwestern-y Division Name
Oh, there are three divisions in each conference now. Ok, um, I'll go with Atlanta. They always have great pitching.
Whatever the Other Conference name is, this time for real
Midwestern-y Division Name
Wait, Nashville has a hockey team and Cleveland doesn't? That is just wrong. I'm picking Cleveland here, as a protest.
Whatever the Other Conference name is
Not really Midwestern but not really Western Division Name
I think Edmonton is out here. They have that big mall, so I'll pick them. They will also be knocked out of the playoffs in the first round, because they choked.
Whatever the Other Conference name is
Pacific-y Division Name
The L.A. Kings. No, the San Jose Sharks. No, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Phoenix? That's it, I'm picking Cleveland here too. This is ridiculous.
Playoffs: Lots of games. I mean, more games than J Lo ever played with P. Diddy. More games than the regular season, and every one is played until there is a winner, to the point where Gary Thorne and John Davidson are rumored to be lovers. Each round, half the teams will have goalies who choke and lose, and the other half will have goalies that get "hot" and win. And then there will be the finals and no one will watch because the Lakers are on and it's SUMMER for Christ's sake. For what it's worth, I'm taking Cleveland to beat Cleveland in 7 games.
Saturday, November 23, 2002
WHO'D HAVE GUESSED?
I just started reading the "Live From New York" book about the history of Saturday Night Live. Turns out, they did a lot of drugs, had sex with each other, and worked really long hours. And Lorne Michaels is either a genius or a little prick, depending on who is still kissing his ass. More details as they become available.
I just started reading the "Live From New York" book about the history of Saturday Night Live. Turns out, they did a lot of drugs, had sex with each other, and worked really long hours. And Lorne Michaels is either a genius or a little prick, depending on who is still kissing his ass. More details as they become available.
Thursday, November 21, 2002
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
Tuesday, November 19, 2002
YOU MEAN I HAVE TO ADD ENTRIES, TOO?
For all of you uncounted several looking for the Crossbow Home Gym (which as far as I can tell doesn't even exist - I think you guys want the Bowflex Home Gym), I have been revamping TCP. I upgraded to BlogSpot Plus, which features a bunch of problems with the standard Blogger templates, the inability to automatically add comments and sitemeter code, and various other anomalies, all for $50 a year! So I spent an hour yesterday and another hour today doing all that stuff by hand that I used to be able to do automatically, and now I have the wondrous site you see before you.
Good luck with that Crossbow Home Gym. Frankly, I would recommend steroids. They're cheaper, easier, and they actually exist.
For all of you uncounted several looking for the Crossbow Home Gym (which as far as I can tell doesn't even exist - I think you guys want the Bowflex Home Gym), I have been revamping TCP. I upgraded to BlogSpot Plus, which features a bunch of problems with the standard Blogger templates, the inability to automatically add comments and sitemeter code, and various other anomalies, all for $50 a year! So I spent an hour yesterday and another hour today doing all that stuff by hand that I used to be able to do automatically, and now I have the wondrous site you see before you.
Good luck with that Crossbow Home Gym. Frankly, I would recommend steroids. They're cheaper, easier, and they actually exist.
Monday, November 18, 2002
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is HGTV.
SCENE: Christopher shoots up some smack and then sits on Adriana's dog, killing it.
EXTRA SCENE: "Designing for the Sexes" helps Christopher and Adriana mediate their home decorating dispute. After looking at several options, Christopher finally decides to hang the architect out the window from his ankles while demanding a 90% discount as Adriana bawls hysterically in the bedroom.
SCENE: Tony and Johnny Sack meet under a bridge to discuss the HUD scam.
EXTRA SCENE: Susie Cuehlo from "Surprise Gardener" pops in to liven up the mob meeting landscape. This is the final episode of "Surprise Gardener", if you know what I mean.
SCENE: Paulie Walnuts rescues Tony's painting of Pie-O-My from being burned and hangs it on his wall, then has it retouched so that Tony looks like a general.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan Steffend of "Decorating Cents", where Joan remakes a room every show for "under $500", buys the painting from Paulie for $50 after the eyes continue to creep him out. Paulie later reconsiders the transaction, and for the next six months of shows, Joan has to include $100 vigorish for Paulie in the $500 total.
SCENE: Carmela drops off some kitchen decorating ideas to Furio.
EXTRA SCENE: Furio hires Joan Kohn from "Kitchen Design" to implement the ideas. Carmela comes over to check it out with A.J. in tow. Carmela and Furio exchange meaningful glances while A.J. whines in the background. "Kitchen Design" is cancelled because it's become so incredibly lame.
SCENE: Tony seduces Svetlana, the one-legged Russian woman.
EXTRA SCENE: While Tony and Svetlana are having sex, Norm Abram from the "New Yankee Workshop" accidentally uses Svetlana's artificial leg to make a flower stand.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: The Food Network
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is HGTV.
SCENE: Christopher shoots up some smack and then sits on Adriana's dog, killing it.
EXTRA SCENE: "Designing for the Sexes" helps Christopher and Adriana mediate their home decorating dispute. After looking at several options, Christopher finally decides to hang the architect out the window from his ankles while demanding a 90% discount as Adriana bawls hysterically in the bedroom.
SCENE: Tony and Johnny Sack meet under a bridge to discuss the HUD scam.
EXTRA SCENE: Susie Cuehlo from "Surprise Gardener" pops in to liven up the mob meeting landscape. This is the final episode of "Surprise Gardener", if you know what I mean.
SCENE: Paulie Walnuts rescues Tony's painting of Pie-O-My from being burned and hangs it on his wall, then has it retouched so that Tony looks like a general.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan Steffend of "Decorating Cents", where Joan remakes a room every show for "under $500", buys the painting from Paulie for $50 after the eyes continue to creep him out. Paulie later reconsiders the transaction, and for the next six months of shows, Joan has to include $100 vigorish for Paulie in the $500 total.
SCENE: Carmela drops off some kitchen decorating ideas to Furio.
EXTRA SCENE: Furio hires Joan Kohn from "Kitchen Design" to implement the ideas. Carmela comes over to check it out with A.J. in tow. Carmela and Furio exchange meaningful glances while A.J. whines in the background. "Kitchen Design" is cancelled because it's become so incredibly lame.
SCENE: Tony seduces Svetlana, the one-legged Russian woman.
EXTRA SCENE: While Tony and Svetlana are having sex, Norm Abram from the "New Yankee Workshop" accidentally uses Svetlana's artificial leg to make a flower stand.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: The Food Network
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