Friday, January 17, 2003

DAVID MANNING: "LOVED IT, UH, THEM, WHATEVER!"

In an unprecedented move, the films "National Security" and "Kangaroo Jack" agreed to merge, forming the film "National Jack".

Columbia Pictures and Warner Brothers, which released the two films, agreed to the merger yesterday after analyzing data from advanced screenings. "We've established that the two films have essentially the same story, the same characters, and the same theme, and are equally as lousy, and that it would be foolish to show the films separately in twice as many theaters as they can support," said a spokesman.

According to the merger agreement drawn up by the two parties, the merger will be accomplished by editing .466 frames of "National Security" in with every frame of "Kangaroo Jack". "Kangaroo Jack" Producer Jerry Bruckheimer added, "I was actually thinking of moving the whole thing to Los Angeles and hiring Martin Lawrence to play the Kangaroo, so this move is really the best of all possible worlds."

The two companies have announced that synergies from combining the two films could run into the tens of millions.

Thursday, January 16, 2003

DO NOT READ THIS

Ever wnder what it's    lke to have a migraine? Well, it's kinda like
this. You have                   this blind spot on your fierld of vision and you
pretty much                           can't form proper senternces and you
talk gibber                                   ish and you feel like you're gonna
die reallt                                       soon and you just
as soon                                         would rather go
to bed and                                   your head is ponding
and you are                             dizzy and trust me
it basically kinda                   sucks and I would't
reccommend it to any         one, frankly.

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

CBT ME

Things I like about computer-based training:

- Very easy to turn it off and read "The Onion" instead.
- Hard to obsess over the instructor's bald spot.
- No uncomfortable conversation about the Iraqi situation with the hotel shuttle driver.
- Temptation to eat 27 Krispy Kreme Chocolate Iced donuts in one morning is nearly non-existent.
- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel.

Things I don't like about computer-based training:

- No tent cards. I don't really like tent cards, I just like saying "tent cards".
- No complimentary bars of soap, bottles of shampoo, towels, bedspreads, clock radios, TV's (boy, are they hard to pack, and I always forget to take the remote), etc.
- No "return from business trip" sex.
- Missing of Free Continental Breakfast.
- Zero chance of being cavity searched by security personnel. I have my moods.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

AT LEAST IT'LL BE WARM IN FRONT OF THE TV

At 12 Noon, I will be logging on to buy Eagles NFC Championship Game tickets. I figure I ought to see some of the most obscure and bewildering messages for why I can't access the Ticketmaster server. I will post them here in this space later today after my quest is thwarted by various ticket brokers who have hired hackers to stage what are sure to become dueling Denial Of Service attacks.

UPDATE: It was pretty anti-climactic. All I got were blank screens, and the little blue progress thingy on the bottom of the browser, until about 12:12, when there was a message that tickets were no longer available. C'est la guerre.

Monday, January 13, 2003

MILLIONS VOLUNTEER TO CONDUCT STRIP SEARCH

The crack journalists at Reuters have committed countless funds and man-hours to the question that has been plaguing the world for months. Their tentative answer: No.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer released a statement today saying the President has no comment on the conclusions, but that the Clinton Administration should be blamed for "coddling" on this issue, and for "putting us in the position we are today." "We could know better, and we should know better, and if anyone could have obtained the information, it was Bill Clinton," said Fleischer.

I have also conducted my own exhaustive web search for evidence, which took up most of the morning, examining hundreds of examples of forensic photography, and to this point, I have to agree with Reuters. But if you think I'm giving up that easily, that's where you are mistaken. The search will continue until all possible leads have been followed. In fact, this investigation should promise to make Hans Blix' little operation look like a Girl Scout scavenger hunt.