Amen.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
I'M BACK, YOU SNIPER JOKE FIENDS
Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!
(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)
John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.
Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."
Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.
Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!
(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)
John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.
Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."
Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
FIREMAN TIM
Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.
The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.
Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.
The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.
Monday, October 28, 2002
SIGN NO. 7,856,203 THAT WE MIGHT JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH FIREARMS IN THIS COUNTRY
TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.
A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.
TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.
An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.
"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!
TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.
A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.
TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.
An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.
"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.
SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.
EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.
SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."
SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.
EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.
SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.
EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"
SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.
EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.
SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.
EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.
SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."
SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.
EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.
SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.
EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"
SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.
EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX
WE TOOK IT ONE CLICHE AT A TIME
Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.
ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON
"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''
DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE
"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."
ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL
"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''
DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS
"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."
ANGELS' TROY GLAUS
"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."
DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN
"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."
ANGELS' TIM SALMON
"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."
DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX
"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?
Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.
ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON
"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''
DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE
"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."
ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL
"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''
DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS
"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."
ANGELS' TROY GLAUS
"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."
DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN
"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."
ANGELS' TIM SALMON
"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."
DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX
"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?
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