Amen.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
I'M BACK, YOU SNIPER JOKE FIENDS
Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!
(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)
John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.
Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."
Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.
Yes, I have returned after a full day of ... (shudder) working...at my (shudder even more) job. The only thing to cure what ails me is: more sniper jokes!
(You're right, I reworked this joke for maximum funny. Even then it still sucks, but it's my site so I can do what I want.)
John Allen Muhammed and John Lee Malvo could potentially be put on trial for murder in 4 states. Combine them with the Rolling Stones, and you've got two groups of soon-to-be-dead guys going on tour.
Chief Moose, when asked if he was relieved at the successful outcome of the investigation, replied, "I'd rather not answer that for fear of jeopardizing the case, but please, I ask the media to relay this message to my wife and repeat it often: My duck wants to get caught in your noose. She'll know what it means."
Amid reports that John Allen Muhammad was once in the US Army, the military has shelved plans to expand it's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy to homicidal maniacs.
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
FIREMAN TIM
Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.
The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.
Today is the day each year us engineers and office types don full bunker gear and put out small fires out on the fire field with extinguishers. Gives you confidence in the oil industry, doesn't it? They have to train people who can barely master the art of putting together cheap furniture from Ikea to put out fires. Why? Because there are a lot of fires at refineries! I hope you all sleep better tonight knowing that, if necessary, I can squelch a budding conflagration, assuming I can find an extinguisher, and I remember how it works, and I haven't peed my pants and run away in terror.
The most interesting part of the day is watching the "real" firemen at work. Yes, we have a full-time fire company in the refinery. Why? See above. These guys literally exude testosterone. You can see it rising off their craggy, leathery skin in waves. They bark at you with thick Philly accents and deep voices made hoarse by years of eating smoke. I always get the feeling, "Why am I out here?" If anything serious goes down, you know the last thing these guys want is some pipsqueak with coke-bottle glasses running around with a fire extinguisher. These are legitimate actual men here, not just a cowering undefined mass of protoplasm with male sex organs. I think they can handle it. But hey, at least I get to wear rubber boots.
Monday, October 28, 2002
SIGN NO. 7,856,203 THAT WE MIGHT JUST HAVE A PROBLEM WITH FIREARMS IN THIS COUNTRY
TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.
A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.
TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.
An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.
"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!
TUCSON, Ariz. (Reuters) - Three people were shot -- at least two fatally -- at the University of Arizona in Tucson on Monday including the alleged shooter who may have committed suicide.
A spokeswoman for the university's Health Sciences Center confirmed that two instructors were shot and that buildings on campus had been closed. She added that there were unconfirmed reports that the shooter had committed suicide.
TV station KGUN said the killings took place at the university's nursing school and that there were reports the shooter was a student.
An official with the university's campus police department had no further details.
"TV station KGUN"? Well there's your motive. He was just trying to get on local TV!
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.
SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.
EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.
SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."
SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.
EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.
SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.
EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"
SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.
EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is E!.
SCENE: Adriana is visited by her FBI handler at a card store.
EXTRA SCENE: Emme drops by for a Fashion Emergency. They scrape 2 coats of makeup off Adriana to put on the Special Agent and make them both look almost human.
SCENE: Paulie "Walnuts" has his homecoming from jail at the Bada Bing.
EXTRA SCENE: Joan and Melissa Rivers critique the clothes at the party. They give raves for Paulie's suit, but Joan gets catty about "Stripper #2", saying, "Those tits were so fake, she should be officially registered with the Coast Guard as a flotation device."
SCENE: At Paulie's party, cousin Brian the financial advisor licks tequila off a stripper's breasts.
EXTRA SCENE: The stripper is replaced by Anna Nicole Smith. Cousin Brian makes Adriana's vomiting at the FBI office a few episodes back look minor by comparison.
SCENE: A bunch of gang-bangers hired by the friend of Assemblyman Zellner shoot up a crack house that Tony and Ralphie bought.
EXTRA SCENE: Brooke Burke straps on a bikini and an AK-47 and joins in the fun as HBO/E! presents, "Wild On! Newark"
SCENE: Tony beats Assemblyman Zellner with his belt for dating his Russian ex-goomah.
EXTRA SCENE: A.J. Benza steps out of the shadows to begin the next episode of "Mysteries And Scandals". Tony beats him with his belt also, just for being A.J. Benza.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: FOX
WE TOOK IT ONE CLICHE AT A TIME
Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.
ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON
"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''
DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE
"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."
ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL
"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''
DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS
"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."
ANGELS' TROY GLAUS
"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."
DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN
"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."
ANGELS' TIM SALMON
"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."
DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX
"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?
Congratulations to the Anaheim Angels, 2002 World Champions! I picked them to finish last and said they had a "Benji Gil" problem, so it shows you what I know. If you managed to stay up until almost midnight on the east coast and hear the post-game quotes, you probably heard the usual array of hackneyed phrases that athletes use when some perky host or hostess thrusts a microphone in their face. Well, here at The Crossbow Project, we have exclusive quotes from the other end of the baseball spectrum, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finished with a record of 55-106. The comparisons are startling.
ANGELS' GARRET ANDERSON
"I can't believe it, man. It's been a long year -- a testament to the guys who never gave up.''
DEVIL RAYS' TANYON STURTZE
"You talk about a long year, try losing 106. We gave up almost every game. Some of the guys would order ahead at Chili's in the 8th inning so they could pick up take out on the way home."
ANGELS' TROY PERCIVAL
"Unbelievable for us, for our fans. This team has worked as hard as any team ever. We deserve it.''
DEVIL RAYS' ANDY SHEETS
"We didn't work at all. Maybe at Nintendo. We put in a lot of hours there. We even lost at that. Guys would have fistfights over EA Sports MLB 2002 so that they didn't have to be the Devils Rays."
ANGELS' TROY GLAUS
"Without everybody contributing, doing their job, understanding what they were supposed to do, we wouldn't be here."
DEVIL RAYS' RANDY WINN
"We had a bunch of guys who never learned the signs. We had at least two coaches who called everybody 'bro' all year long. I don't think they even bothered to learn our names. Not that many of us stayed on the roster very long. Half of us were up and down from Triple A so many times, they kept a room open at the local Budgetel and guys would just exchange the keys as they came and went."
ANGELS' TIM SALMON
"I got to know he's (former owner and founder Gene Autry, who died in 1998) pulling strings for us up there."
DEVIL RAYS' STEVE COX
"Who even owns us? Vince Naimoli? Is he, you know, connected?
Friday, October 25, 2002
JODIDN'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING TODAY
I was at The Jodiverse all afternoon. Go there, and read a real web site.
I was at The Jodiverse all afternoon. Go there, and read a real web site.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
LAKE. BIG LAKE.
Check out the bottom of my water bill:
Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?
"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"
"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."
"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"
Check out the bottom of my water bill:
Who exactly runs up a six-figure water bill?
"Honey, I found a blue whale by the side of the road on my way home from work, can we keep it?"
"Damn, I forgot to turn off the full-size replicas of every fountain in Rome in our living room."
"And the back yard comes complete with one Olympic size swimming pool for each day of the week!"
PRECIOUS MOMENTS
Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:
1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.
2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.
3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.
4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.
5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.
Vote Today!
Before Game 4 of the World Series last night, Major League Baseball revealed its "Most Memorable Moment" as voted by the fans. It occurred to me there ought to be a similar vote for blogging. So here it is! Vote for your favorite moment in the history of blogging from the nominees below:
1. Kelli from Saginaw, MI reveals her crush on Justin Timberlake - June, 2000.
2. The first "meme" is released. The archives have been erased, but we know it involves something about "Seinfeld" quotes - May 1999.
3. Andrew Sullivan responds to Paul Krugman's response to Instapundit's reply to Mickey Kaus' tirade against Matt Drudge's insinuation that "George Bush is an idiot" - Pretty much every day.
4. KraziS3xyC00l from "somewhere in Eastern Europe" posts the first photo of a blogger performing with his nü-metal band - January 2000.
5. "The Herminator" posts the first lame comedy bit involving lists - November 1999.
Vote Today!
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
GOTTA KEEP THAT #1 GOOGLE RANKING SOMEHOW
Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!
TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER
10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.
9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.
8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.
7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.
6. Uri Geller.
5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.
4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.
3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.
2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"
And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:
1. Getting up and going to work every morning.
Three lousy (and I mean lousy) D.C. sniper jokes, and I'm no. 1 on the Google rankings. Frankly, you people are sick for even looking up something like that. Here's some more!
TOP 10 LEAST EFFECTIVE TACTICS USED BY CHIEF MOOSE TO CATCH THE SNIPER
10. Inviting sniper over to police barracks for tarot reading.
9. Invoking county-wide weapons-for-arrest-and-death-penalty exchange.
8. Setting up glass bottles and tin cans around gas stations as a distraction.
7. Donning British Bobby's hat and shouting "What's all this then?" at top of lungs whenever someone gets shot.
6. Uri Geller.
5. Leaving enormous bags of unmarked currency in the woods throughout Northern Virginia.
4. Appearing on MSNBC at all, ever.
3. Hanging up on FBI repeatedly while getting makeup done.
2. Going to the ballistics lab and saying constantly, "I hope you guys don't go ballistic on me!"
And the No. 1 least effective tactic used by Chief Moose to catch the sniper is:
1. Getting up and going to work every morning.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
BASEBALL: THE PACIFIC COAST'S PASTIME
I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.
Saturday, 10/19/02:
9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.
10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, 10/20/02:
9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".
10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02
10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Is it over yet?
I'm a little late here, but here's the journal of my 2002 World Series Experience. Through the emerging technology of Bud-O-Vision, I've even extrapolated into the future.
Saturday, 10/19/02:
9 PM: Great game. The Giants got out on top, but the Angels are keeping it close. Tomorrow's Sunday, so maybe I'll stay up and watch the end.
10 PM: Think I'll flip over and catch a little of the Notre Dame - Air Force game.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, 10/20/02:
9 PM: Angels up 5-4, gotta watch "The Sopranos".
10 PM: "Curb" is on, Angels lead 7-5.
11 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tuesday, 10/22/02 & Wednesday 10/23/02, and Thursday 10/24/02
10 PM: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Is it over yet?
FREE AD COPY
There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.
The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!
I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.
There's a car dealer near where I live called "The John Kennedy Dealerships". They advertise constantly on local TV. They haven't asked me for a slogan, but since I hate their commercials, I decided to create one for them.
The John Kennedy Dealerships: We Will Not Sell Convertibles!
I haven't heard from them yet, but if the sniper starts moving North, I figure they'll be banging on my door.
Monday, October 21, 2002
OK, WE HAVE A SONG, NOW LET'S WRITE A MOVIE!
The number one box-office movie is "Sweet Home Alabama", starring Reese Witherspoon in a light-hearted romantic comedy about a young woman who lives in New York returning to her Southern roots. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the song "Sweet Home Alabama" was a redneck racist screed written by Lynryd Skynyrd in response to the civil rights song "Southern Man" by Neil Young. In case there is any doubt, the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama include:
Well I heard mister Young sing about her
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow
and,
In Birmingham they love the gov' nor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth
The last stanza is a reference to George Wallace and his atrocious behavior, which even he himself apologized for, in response to federal orders from the Kennedy and Johnson administrations to integrate the Alabama school system in the 1960's. Skynyrd then throws in an endorsement of the presidency of Richard Nixon to top things off.
Apparently, in Hollywood, the need to attach a hit song to a movie far outweighs any serious consideration of the actual song lyrics. So, I figured, why should Hollywood stop there? Here are a few coming attractions from Tinseltown:
"Bennie And The Jets" - A sweet animated children's fable about a cuddly mouse and his faithful sidekicks, with the voice of Matthew Broderick.
"Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life" - Ashley Judd and Chris O'Donnell star in this funny, romantic story of a girl trying to make her mark.
"99 Red Balloons" - Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck make romance at the circus.
The number one box-office movie is "Sweet Home Alabama", starring Reese Witherspoon in a light-hearted romantic comedy about a young woman who lives in New York returning to her Southern roots. What everyone seems to have forgotten is that the song "Sweet Home Alabama" was a redneck racist screed written by Lynryd Skynyrd in response to the civil rights song "Southern Man" by Neil Young. In case there is any doubt, the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama include:
Well I heard mister Young sing about her
Well, I heard ole Neil put her down
Well, I hope Neil Young will remember
A Southern man don't need him around anyhow
and,
In Birmingham they love the gov' nor
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you?
Tell the truth
The last stanza is a reference to George Wallace and his atrocious behavior, which even he himself apologized for, in response to federal orders from the Kennedy and Johnson administrations to integrate the Alabama school system in the 1960's. Skynyrd then throws in an endorsement of the presidency of Richard Nixon to top things off.
Apparently, in Hollywood, the need to attach a hit song to a movie far outweighs any serious consideration of the actual song lyrics. So, I figured, why should Hollywood stop there? Here are a few coming attractions from Tinseltown:
"Bennie And The Jets" - A sweet animated children's fable about a cuddly mouse and his faithful sidekicks, with the voice of Matthew Broderick.
"Semi-Charmed Kind Of Life" - Ashley Judd and Chris O'Donnell star in this funny, romantic story of a girl trying to make her mark.
"99 Red Balloons" - Drew Barrymore and Ben Affleck make romance at the circus.
CONVERSATION OVERHEARD AT THE GYM THE OTHER DAY
Guy #1: Hi!
Guy #2: Hey, how are you?
Guy #1: Great, and you? You going to the reunion?
Guy #2: I'm fine. Yeah, looking forward to it.
Guy #1: Do you remember...what's his name, lived on the corner?
Guy #2: Yeah. Didn't he have a sister?
Guy #1: No...did he?
Guy #2: Yeah I think so. How about that other guy we played baseball with?
Guy #1: Oh yeah. Wait, which one?
Guy #2: I forget his name.
(this goes on for several minutes)
Guy #1: Well, have a good one...what's your name?
Guy #2: Jim
Guy #1: Oh, yeah, right.
Guy #1: Hi!
Guy #2: Hey, how are you?
Guy #1: Great, and you? You going to the reunion?
Guy #2: I'm fine. Yeah, looking forward to it.
Guy #1: Do you remember...what's his name, lived on the corner?
Guy #2: Yeah. Didn't he have a sister?
Guy #1: No...did he?
Guy #2: Yeah I think so. How about that other guy we played baseball with?
Guy #1: Oh yeah. Wait, which one?
Guy #2: I forget his name.
(this goes on for several minutes)
Guy #1: Well, have a good one...what's your name?
Guy #2: Jim
Guy #1: Oh, yeah, right.
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the first in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is the Eternal Word Television Network.
SCENE: Artie Bucco goes over to the Jean-Phillipe's apartment to get his money back.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil Intintola consoles Artie in the confessional booth. Upon hearing of Artie's plight, Father Phil goes over to crack open the lying Frog's head with his crucifix. One thing leads to another, and the words "Sacre Bleu!" are heard as Father Phil unzips his pants.
SCENE: A.J. and Devon cruise the streets after Meadow turns down their request to have sex in her dorm room.
EXTRA SCENE: The two young lovers end up in Father Phil's rectory. One thing leads to another, and Devon begins to question A.J.'s sexual preference.
SCENE: Tony has a dream about Gloria removing a scarf from her neck.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is in the room with Gloria and Tony, naked. Tony begins to question his sexual preference.
SCENE: Jean-Phillipe opens his door and sees an angry looking Furio.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is right behind. Furio was just mad that he wasn't invited the last time. He's got a major priest fantasy.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: E!
This is the first in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is the Eternal Word Television Network.
SCENE: Artie Bucco goes over to the Jean-Phillipe's apartment to get his money back.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil Intintola consoles Artie in the confessional booth. Upon hearing of Artie's plight, Father Phil goes over to crack open the lying Frog's head with his crucifix. One thing leads to another, and the words "Sacre Bleu!" are heard as Father Phil unzips his pants.
SCENE: A.J. and Devon cruise the streets after Meadow turns down their request to have sex in her dorm room.
EXTRA SCENE: The two young lovers end up in Father Phil's rectory. One thing leads to another, and Devon begins to question A.J.'s sexual preference.
SCENE: Tony has a dream about Gloria removing a scarf from her neck.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is in the room with Gloria and Tony, naked. Tony begins to question his sexual preference.
SCENE: Jean-Phillipe opens his door and sees an angry looking Furio.
EXTRA SCENE: Father Phil is right behind. Furio was just mad that he wasn't invited the last time. He's got a major priest fantasy.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: E!
Sunday, October 20, 2002
D.C. SNIPER JOKES THAT GET LESS AND LESS FUNNY EVERY DAY
I hear Chief Moose has some new ideas on the shooter. He's narrowed it down to Reggie, Archie and Mr. Wetherbee.
Police have told residents to move quickly in grocery store parking lots. What, no more bringing my chaise longue?
The ballistics experts say that the bullet the sniper fires travels 3200 feet/second. Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Randy Moss all said they can catch it. Teammates and league officials were all in favor of letting them try.
You've been great! I'll be here all we....BANG! THUD!
I hear Chief Moose has some new ideas on the shooter. He's narrowed it down to Reggie, Archie and Mr. Wetherbee.
Police have told residents to move quickly in grocery store parking lots. What, no more bringing my chaise longue?
The ballistics experts say that the bullet the sniper fires travels 3200 feet/second. Keyshawn Johnson, Terrell Owens, and Randy Moss all said they can catch it. Teammates and league officials were all in favor of letting them try.
You've been great! I'll be here all we....BANG! THUD!
Saturday, October 19, 2002
I've been hearing a lot about this movie "Auto-Focus" about the life of Bob Crane, and how we was a sex addict who taped his conquests with this creepy John Carpenter dude. It got me to thinking, what other 60's and 70's sitcom stars led secret lives, but we never heard about it because they never got bludgeoned with a tripod? Here are a few suggestions, in a match-em-up format. Match the sitcom star with his or her secret life (you know, assuming ANYBODY ever reads this lame piece of shit weblog):
*Yes, "Little House On The Prairie" was too a comedy. You expect me to believe a show with Merlin Olsen in it was a drama?
| 1. Alan Thicke | a. Officiated at Midget-Tossing contests throughout the Midwest in disguise |
| 2. Joyce DeWitt | b. Slung hash at an all-nude roadside diner in Texarkana |
| 3. Karen Grassle* | c. Was a mule for the Cali cartel |
| 4. Morey Amsterdam | d. Longtime associate of the Reykjavik, Iceland underworld |
| 5. Bill Daily | e. Serial hijacker of Meals-On-Wheels trucks
|
*Yes, "Little House On The Prairie" was too a comedy. You expect me to believe a show with Merlin Olsen in it was a drama?
Friday, October 18, 2002
IT IS SO FRID...
Well, it's Friday afternoon here at Insert-Name-Here-Global-Oil-Conglomerate, and in keeping with the lack of work ethic around here, I'm not going to finish any of my sent...
Everybody here is pretty much playing Solitaire, shooting the shit, or printing out maps for weekend geta....
So why should I both....?
I was thinking of something funny earlier but, I can't remem....
These sentences are getting....
They're almost compl....
Hey, Cut....
Aaa....
Well, it's Friday afternoon here at Insert-Name-Here-Global-Oil-Conglomerate, and in keeping with the lack of work ethic around here, I'm not going to finish any of my sent...
Everybody here is pretty much playing Solitaire, shooting the shit, or printing out maps for weekend geta....
So why should I both....?
I was thinking of something funny earlier but, I can't remem....
These sentences are getting....
They're almost compl....
Hey, Cut....
Aaa....
TIGER WOODS TAKES A STAND...AGAINST TAKING A STAND
Tiger Woods drew a proverbial line in the sand trap today in the Augusta National Country Club gender discrimination dispute between Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson and the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations Martha Burk, saying forcefully "Hootie is right, and Martha is right".
Many observers noted that not since the stirring days of Neville Chamberlain and Marshal Petain has such courage of lack of conviction been demonstrated so eloquently. Woods went on to authoritatively declare his vehemence against engagement in the issue by saying, "Is it unfair? Yes. Do I want to see a female member? Yes. But it's our right to have any club set up the way we want to." Woods also feels supremely confident that either good or evil will win out, adding that the dispute will be resolved, "`one way or another''.
Spokesmen for Buick, Nike, American Express, and Rolex, all well-known for their impassioned non-involvement in progressive political activism, expressed approval with Tiger's iron will. "That's why we love Tiger", said Nike's Phil Knight. "He's got the backbone to not stick up for what he believes in, or even to believe in anything in the first place, and that takes real guts."
Tiger Woods drew a proverbial line in the sand trap today in the Augusta National Country Club gender discrimination dispute between Augusta Chairman Hootie Johnson and the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations Martha Burk, saying forcefully "Hootie is right, and Martha is right".
Many observers noted that not since the stirring days of Neville Chamberlain and Marshal Petain has such courage of lack of conviction been demonstrated so eloquently. Woods went on to authoritatively declare his vehemence against engagement in the issue by saying, "Is it unfair? Yes. Do I want to see a female member? Yes. But it's our right to have any club set up the way we want to." Woods also feels supremely confident that either good or evil will win out, adding that the dispute will be resolved, "`one way or another''.
Spokesmen for Buick, Nike, American Express, and Rolex, all well-known for their impassioned non-involvement in progressive political activism, expressed approval with Tiger's iron will. "That's why we love Tiger", said Nike's Phil Knight. "He's got the backbone to not stick up for what he believes in, or even to believe in anything in the first place, and that takes real guts."
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