TOP TEN POSSIBLE FUTURE BENEFITS OF RAELIAN CLONING
10. Raelians will be able to kick Scientologists' asses.
9. Cult of Celine Dion will no longer be so prominent.
8. French waiters to be replaced by clones if they continue to be snotty.
7. Cloning of Jerry Lewis means hundreds more muscular dystrophy telethons.
6. French Olympic pairs ice skating judges to be cloned; extra supply will lower market price.
5. Jean-Claude Van Damme clones to patrol major cities - no, wait, he's Belgian. Oh, well, whatever, same difference.
4. Thousands of clones to infiltrate Iraqi regime, begin surrendering to U.S. immediately.
3. Montreal Expos sign team of Ted Williams' clones, win World Series.
2. More organs available for transplant when Raelians inevitably commit mass suicide.
And the number 1 benefit of Raelian cloning is:
1. Gerard Depardieux!
Friday, December 27, 2002
Monday, December 23, 2002
ADVERTISE RESPONSIBLY
Today on TCP, we'll take a look at the Smirnoff Ice ad called "Laundry", perhaps putting more thought into it than the advertising agency ever did. The ad begins with two 20-ish guys doing their laundry, seemingly late at night, at a hip, edgy, urban laundromat presumably near where lots of 20-ish hip, edgy people live, and they are drinking Smirnoff Ice. The song "Kick You Out" by the band "Caesar's Palace" is playing very loudly in the background. This is your basic retro/punk/electronica type music the kids today love so much. (By the way, naming your band "Caesar's Palace" is pretty stupid, since it ensures that no one will ever find you on Google. See, there's this little casino with the same name, you may have heard of it.)
Let's pause. First of all, these guys look like they might do their laundry maybe once every six months. They make The Young Ones look like characters from a Whit Stillman film. And they are drinking while doing their laundry. This can't be a good thing. Smirnoff Ice is not even vodka, it's a "malt beverage", meaning it's about one step away from Colt .45. At the very least, they'll mix the whites and colored so their underwear turns all pink. I wouldn't even want to contemplate the worst-case scenario.
Next, into the laundromat walk three hot 20-ish women with varying degrees of midriff showing.
Now, what are the chances that just when these two guys are making their bi-annual trek to the laundromat in the middle of the night that three hot, flesh-baring babes are going to walk in? Not very good, but I guess this is why they've elected to capture the moment on film. Mister Guy-without-beard looks at the chicks, Mr. Guy-with-beard looks at his Smirnoff Ice, and then they decide to start dumping laundry soap into the unused washing machines.
Naturally, they do this because they've seen the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby does his own laundry. You know what happens next.
This sets off a wild party where the babes suddenly go nuts and start dancing as if they are seasoned professionals, if you know what I mean.
.
Now we really have to pause here and contemplate what has happened. Ok, I get that laundry soap causes sudsing, but enough to completely engulf an entire laundromat? How much soap did they bring with them? They only do their laundry twice a year, as we've already established, so it can't be that much. Where did they manage to get all this laundry soap? Well, I guess we'll just have to accept it.
So, let's assume they physically could cause this to happen somehow. This being an urban laundromat, chances are it is owned by an immigrant, who came to this country looking for a better life, worked hard, saved his/her money, and finally, after decades of struggle, bought him/herself a laundromat. In about 5 seconds, Mr. Beard and Mr. No Beard have utterly and completely destroyed this poor man's/woman's dreams, just so they could party with some hot chicks, who look like they could have been had at far less of a price. The owner was probably not insured, so he or she will have to pick up the costs of cleanup, repair of the flooring, probably some electrical work, and more than likely the replacement of several industrial washing machines and dryers.
Finally, in the piece-de-resistance of the spot, one of the hot babes emerges from the ocean of suds and starts sidling up to Mr. No Beard. At this point, for no reason that I can fathom, she looks off into space and bites her lower lip with her entire row of front teeth.
It's as if the director said, "Those last few takes were pretty good, you looked sexy enough, but since we're targeting 15-19 year old boys here, who let's face it, drink lots of malt beverage, and we're trying to make you girls looks like you've had large portions of your cerebella removed so that you'll accept just about any excuse to have an orgy, could you give us a little something extra?"
We finish up the spot with the tag line.
Yes, that's correct, Intelligent Nightlife, which has now come to mean destroying a laundromat. And another thing: how can you drink Smirnoff Ice when you're standing in suds up to your shoulders? Don't the suds get in the bottle? That can't be good for it. Or maybe that's a serving suggestion.
Today on TCP, we'll take a look at the Smirnoff Ice ad called "Laundry", perhaps putting more thought into it than the advertising agency ever did. The ad begins with two 20-ish guys doing their laundry, seemingly late at night, at a hip, edgy, urban laundromat presumably near where lots of 20-ish hip, edgy people live, and they are drinking Smirnoff Ice. The song "Kick You Out" by the band "Caesar's Palace" is playing very loudly in the background. This is your basic retro/punk/electronica type music the kids today love so much. (By the way, naming your band "Caesar's Palace" is pretty stupid, since it ensures that no one will ever find you on Google. See, there's this little casino with the same name, you may have heard of it.)
Let's pause. First of all, these guys look like they might do their laundry maybe once every six months. They make The Young Ones look like characters from a Whit Stillman film. And they are drinking while doing their laundry. This can't be a good thing. Smirnoff Ice is not even vodka, it's a "malt beverage", meaning it's about one step away from Colt .45. At the very least, they'll mix the whites and colored so their underwear turns all pink. I wouldn't even want to contemplate the worst-case scenario.
Next, into the laundromat walk three hot 20-ish women with varying degrees of midriff showing.
Now, what are the chances that just when these two guys are making their bi-annual trek to the laundromat in the middle of the night that three hot, flesh-baring babes are going to walk in? Not very good, but I guess this is why they've elected to capture the moment on film. Mister Guy-without-beard looks at the chicks, Mr. Guy-with-beard looks at his Smirnoff Ice, and then they decide to start dumping laundry soap into the unused washing machines.
Naturally, they do this because they've seen the Brady Bunch episode where Bobby does his own laundry. You know what happens next.
This sets off a wild party where the babes suddenly go nuts and start dancing as if they are seasoned professionals, if you know what I mean.
Now we really have to pause here and contemplate what has happened. Ok, I get that laundry soap causes sudsing, but enough to completely engulf an entire laundromat? How much soap did they bring with them? They only do their laundry twice a year, as we've already established, so it can't be that much. Where did they manage to get all this laundry soap? Well, I guess we'll just have to accept it.
So, let's assume they physically could cause this to happen somehow. This being an urban laundromat, chances are it is owned by an immigrant, who came to this country looking for a better life, worked hard, saved his/her money, and finally, after decades of struggle, bought him/herself a laundromat. In about 5 seconds, Mr. Beard and Mr. No Beard have utterly and completely destroyed this poor man's/woman's dreams, just so they could party with some hot chicks, who look like they could have been had at far less of a price. The owner was probably not insured, so he or she will have to pick up the costs of cleanup, repair of the flooring, probably some electrical work, and more than likely the replacement of several industrial washing machines and dryers.
Finally, in the piece-de-resistance of the spot, one of the hot babes emerges from the ocean of suds and starts sidling up to Mr. No Beard. At this point, for no reason that I can fathom, she looks off into space and bites her lower lip with her entire row of front teeth.
It's as if the director said, "Those last few takes were pretty good, you looked sexy enough, but since we're targeting 15-19 year old boys here, who let's face it, drink lots of malt beverage, and we're trying to make you girls looks like you've had large portions of your cerebella removed so that you'll accept just about any excuse to have an orgy, could you give us a little something extra?"
We finish up the spot with the tag line.
Yes, that's correct, Intelligent Nightlife, which has now come to mean destroying a laundromat. And another thing: how can you drink Smirnoff Ice when you're standing in suds up to your shoulders? Don't the suds get in the bottle? That can't be good for it. Or maybe that's a serving suggestion.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
MAN NOT WORKING
Today is my last workday for 2002. My supervisor came around about 6 weeks ago and told us to use up our vacation this year and not carry over anything into 2003. I scheduled three Fridays off in December, and everything after the 19th. Since this web log is primarily a vehicle for me to fill the yawning chasm that is often my workday, you probably won't be seeing many entries until January 2nd, unless I get a sudden inspiration of mild humorousness. To tide you over until then, here's a list of some of the things I will be doing for the next two weeks, courtesy of Thesaurus.com:
- Reclining in a somnolent state beyond the accustomed hour
- Perusing selected newsgroups for binary content of a delightful mien
- Slumbering in the post-meridian interval
- Procuring expeditiously prepared local cuisine from the comfort of my conveyance
- Engaging in ritual siestas
- Contemplating flickering images from a cathode ray tube
- Retiring in a punctual fashion
Happy days where you don't have to work, and stuff!
Today is my last workday for 2002. My supervisor came around about 6 weeks ago and told us to use up our vacation this year and not carry over anything into 2003. I scheduled three Fridays off in December, and everything after the 19th. Since this web log is primarily a vehicle for me to fill the yawning chasm that is often my workday, you probably won't be seeing many entries until January 2nd, unless I get a sudden inspiration of mild humorousness. To tide you over until then, here's a list of some of the things I will be doing for the next two weeks, courtesy of Thesaurus.com:
- Reclining in a somnolent state beyond the accustomed hour
- Perusing selected newsgroups for binary content of a delightful mien
- Slumbering in the post-meridian interval
- Procuring expeditiously prepared local cuisine from the comfort of my conveyance
- Engaging in ritual siestas
- Contemplating flickering images from a cathode ray tube
- Retiring in a punctual fashion
Happy days where you don't have to work, and stuff!
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
WATCH OUT, ANDY SULLIVAN
After several days of not mentioning the Crossbow Home Gym, Bowflex, Bitty Schram nude, Karen Grassle nude, or naked pictures of Simon Cowell, here are my page view stats:
Two people! I'm attributing this to the Christmas holidays coming up, the sagging ecomony, and Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday, among other things, and not, of course, to my complete lack of ideas.
Hey, I got a new watch! It has 6 different alarm settings, a stop watch, and can store up to 50 phone numbers! I'm still reading the manual to see if it can tell time. (Yes, I know I stole that joke from "Spy Kids 2". Leave me alone.)
After several days of not mentioning the Crossbow Home Gym, Bowflex, Bitty Schram nude, Karen Grassle nude, or naked pictures of Simon Cowell, here are my page view stats:
Two people! I'm attributing this to the Christmas holidays coming up, the sagging ecomony, and Strom Thurmond's 100th birthday, among other things, and not, of course, to my complete lack of ideas.
Hey, I got a new watch! It has 6 different alarm settings, a stop watch, and can store up to 50 phone numbers! I'm still reading the manual to see if it can tell time. (Yes, I know I stole that joke from "Spy Kids 2". Leave me alone.)
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
TO INFINITY, AND BEYOND!
Pretend President George W. Bush has ordered that the national missile defense system be put into operation. In a statement, Bush said his goal was to "protect our citizens against what is perhaps the greatest danger of all -- catastrophic harm that may result from hostile states or terrorist groups armed with weapons of mass destruction and the means to deliver them." The decision came despite last week's failure of an anti-missile test over the Pacific Ocean.
In related news, the President has also ordered the following systems be put into operation:
- The Ronald W. Reagan Memorial Perpetual Motion Machine. "All of our energy worries will be solved, as soon as our crack scientists in the Pentagon overcome the 2nd law of thermodynamics," said an excited Bush.
- The Henry Hyde Memorial Cold Fusion Reactor. "Well, you know, in case the Perpetual Motion Machine doesn't cut it," the President related.
- The Bob Barr Memorial Escher Building. "It'll be great for fitness buffs. You can walk up stairs all day and never go anywhere," added Mr. Bush.
(Yes, I was able to post my usual dreck after all. The safety meeting didn't last as long as I thought. Just remember, you can't get half-formed, ill-considered jokes as good as these anywhere else, so keep coming back!)
Pretend President George W. Bush has ordered that the national missile defense system be put into operation. In a statement, Bush said his goal was to "protect our citizens against what is perhaps the greatest danger of all -- catastrophic harm that may result from hostile states or terrorist groups armed with weapons of mass destruction and the means to deliver them." The decision came despite last week's failure of an anti-missile test over the Pacific Ocean.
In related news, the President has also ordered the following systems be put into operation:
- The Ronald W. Reagan Memorial Perpetual Motion Machine. "All of our energy worries will be solved, as soon as our crack scientists in the Pentagon overcome the 2nd law of thermodynamics," said an excited Bush.
- The Henry Hyde Memorial Cold Fusion Reactor. "Well, you know, in case the Perpetual Motion Machine doesn't cut it," the President related.
- The Bob Barr Memorial Escher Building. "It'll be great for fitness buffs. You can walk up stairs all day and never go anywhere," added Mr. Bush.
(Yes, I was able to post my usual dreck after all. The safety meeting didn't last as long as I thought. Just remember, you can't get half-formed, ill-considered jokes as good as these anywhere else, so keep coming back!)
SCARRED BY THE HELL
Well, miscellaneous Google searchers who clicked on the wrong link, I have a meeting, then a Christmas lunch, and then some emergency last-minute safety training this afternoon, so I won't have time to come up with my usual dreck. But here's a link to my on-line high school yearbook, so you can see what drove me to this life of cynical despair. I'm not going to tell you where to find me. You'll have to wade through all the bad haircuts yourself. Surfing tip: the 70's and 80's Italian afro guys (or as I like to call them, the 'Fro-meos) are good for some serious laughs.
Well, miscellaneous Google searchers who clicked on the wrong link, I have a meeting, then a Christmas lunch, and then some emergency last-minute safety training this afternoon, so I won't have time to come up with my usual dreck. But here's a link to my on-line high school yearbook, so you can see what drove me to this life of cynical despair. I'm not going to tell you where to find me. You'll have to wade through all the bad haircuts yourself. Surfing tip: the 70's and 80's Italian afro guys (or as I like to call them, the 'Fro-meos) are good for some serious laughs.
Monday, December 16, 2002
TOP TEN PROBLEMS TRENT LOTT WAS REFERRING TO WHEN HE SAID A STROM THURMOND PRESIDENCY WOULD HAVE AVOIDED "ALL THESE PROBLEMS":
10. No Strom Thurmond Airport
9. Rampant literacy
8. Christina Aguilera
7. "The 700 Club" not being on in prime time on every major network
6. No cock fighting on the White House lawn
5. Free speech
4. Indoor plumbing
3. High dues at the "Hair Club for Men"
2. "The George Lopez Show". Well, he has a good point there.
And the number one problem Trent Lott was referring to when he said a Strom Thurmond presidency would have avoided "all these problems" is:
1. Umm...duh!
10. No Strom Thurmond Airport
9. Rampant literacy
8. Christina Aguilera
7. "The 700 Club" not being on in prime time on every major network
6. No cock fighting on the White House lawn
5. Free speech
4. Indoor plumbing
3. High dues at the "Hair Club for Men"
2. "The George Lopez Show". Well, he has a good point there.
And the number one problem Trent Lott was referring to when he said a Strom Thurmond presidency would have avoided "all these problems" is:
1. Umm...duh!
Friday, December 13, 2002
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
EPLOIDS: THE NEW FLOOZ
With today's tasty lunch, which includes a snack of Sour Cream and Onion Lay's Potato Chips, I will have enough ePloids to obtain the Notebook and Gel Pen, which all the smart chemical engineers will be carrying in 2003. It's been a long time coming, and I think it's time for a celebration.
Unfortunately, I have a chronic gastro-intestinal disorder, so we'll have to postpone that. Can't wait for that Notebook and Gel Pen!!!
With today's tasty lunch, which includes a snack of Sour Cream and Onion Lay's Potato Chips, I will have enough ePloids to obtain the Notebook and Gel Pen, which all the smart chemical engineers will be carrying in 2003. It's been a long time coming, and I think it's time for a celebration.
Unfortunately, I have a chronic gastro-intestinal disorder, so we'll have to postpone that. Can't wait for that Notebook and Gel Pen!!!
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
BITTY SCHRAM NUDE!
Due to overwhelming demand, I've done an exhaustive Internet search, scanning newsgroups, fan sites, and various sites of ill repute (where I've grudgingly come to accept that "absolutely free" = $5.95 per month). Unfortunately, the following image was the best I could come up with. It appears to be taken during an early modeling session for some sort of beach-related product:
Just remember: There's no crying in blogging!
Due to overwhelming demand, I've done an exhaustive Internet search, scanning newsgroups, fan sites, and various sites of ill repute (where I've grudgingly come to accept that "absolutely free" = $5.95 per month). Unfortunately, the following image was the best I could come up with. It appears to be taken during an early modeling session for some sort of beach-related product:
Just remember: There's no crying in blogging!
OF COURSE IT'S GENUINE!
Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?
SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.
TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?
SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.
TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?
SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.
TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?
SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."
TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?
SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.
TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.
SELMA: Sure.
TCP: We're out on the highway now.
SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!
TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?
Today on TCP, we're interviewing Selma FitzHughes, the Insect Psychic. So, Selma, you can talk to insects, huh?
SELMA: Yes, Tim, it's been a gift I've had since I was a young child. Actually, I don't talk to them, I have a telepathic relationship.
TCP: Sure. Ok, my sister-in-law brought in an ant farm that her son is tending. What are they trying to tell you?
SELMA: Well, they are saying..."Oh, how we hate this constant marching back and forth inside this glass case for the benefit of that brat. And we don't even have a queen! How could they make an ant farm without a queen? What is this, a gay bar?" Something to that effect.
TCP: Wow, that's impressive. Now, each ant is saying that?
SELMA: Well, it's more like a psychic consensus.
TCP: Ok, there's a spider up there in the corner of the room. What is it saying?
SELMA: It's telling me, "I love being up here, looking down on Tim as he blows off the entire day on his computer. I've weaved him a special web, but he never notices. I think I'll pig out on aphids today."
TCP: That's truly amazing. But aren't spiders actually arachnids and not insects, per se?
SELMA: I can communicate telepathically with a variety of tiny species, up to and including horseshoe crabs.
TCP: Great. Ok, let's go for a drive.
SELMA: Sure.
TCP: We're out on the highway now.
SELMA: Oh my God! Look out! It's a wasp, NOOOO!!! (SPLAT!) He's just stunned, I think we better...watch out! AAAHHHH!!! You just maimed a monarch butterfly!! OOOOHH, that was a gnat! I think he's broken his wing! And there's a whole swarm of OHHHH MY GOD! You've killed at least 20 mosquitoes! Get me out of this car! Get me out!
TCP: Well, folks, as the guys in the white coats tend to Selma, let me just remind everyone, you too have the power to talk to insects, because, quite frankly, how can anyone prove you can't?
Monday, December 09, 2002
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the last (thank you God) in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MTV.
SCENE: Irina calls Carmela to tell her that Tony has been having sex with her one-legged cousin, Svetlana.
EXTRA SCENE: Irina hangs up and calls Sharon Osbourne to tell her that Ozzy has been having sex with Svetlana's artificial leg.
SCENE: Tony sleeps at the shore house he is trying to buy after Carmela throws him out.
EXTRA SCENE: "Cribs" pops in to profile Tony's shore house. The highlight of the episode is when Tony repeatedly introduces one of the crew members to the bottom of the toilet bowl in his own unique way.
SCENE: Tony, Chris, Carmine, and Johnny Sack meet in the park to discuss a compromise on the HUD scam.
EXTRA SCENE: Johnny Knoxville and the boys from "Jackass" show up to tell the mobsters that they have the whole thing on tape, and then run like hell.
SCENE: Tony's guys on his yacht "The Stugotz" blast Dean Martin music at the lawyer who owns the shore house Tony no longer wants to buy because the lawyer won't return the deposit.
EXTRA SCENE: "Shore Thing Summer Sopranos Style" continues with a Frank Sinatra look-a-like contest, guest appearances by Ann-Margret and Joey Bishop, and a special TRL with Luciano Pavarotti in a Speedo.
This is it for the 4th season of "The Sopranos". This lame bit will be back next season, if this weblog makes it that long before dying of apathy and self-loathing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody!
This is the last (thank you God) in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is MTV.
SCENE: Irina calls Carmela to tell her that Tony has been having sex with her one-legged cousin, Svetlana.
EXTRA SCENE: Irina hangs up and calls Sharon Osbourne to tell her that Ozzy has been having sex with Svetlana's artificial leg.
SCENE: Tony sleeps at the shore house he is trying to buy after Carmela throws him out.
EXTRA SCENE: "Cribs" pops in to profile Tony's shore house. The highlight of the episode is when Tony repeatedly introduces one of the crew members to the bottom of the toilet bowl in his own unique way.
SCENE: Tony, Chris, Carmine, and Johnny Sack meet in the park to discuss a compromise on the HUD scam.
EXTRA SCENE: Johnny Knoxville and the boys from "Jackass" show up to tell the mobsters that they have the whole thing on tape, and then run like hell.
SCENE: Tony's guys on his yacht "The Stugotz" blast Dean Martin music at the lawyer who owns the shore house Tony no longer wants to buy because the lawyer won't return the deposit.
EXTRA SCENE: "Shore Thing Summer Sopranos Style" continues with a Frank Sinatra look-a-like contest, guest appearances by Ann-Margret and Joey Bishop, and a special TRL with Luciano Pavarotti in a Speedo.
This is it for the 4th season of "The Sopranos". This lame bit will be back next season, if this weblog makes it that long before dying of apathy and self-loathing. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everybody!
Thursday, December 05, 2002
LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS
I'm taking tomorrow off, so today is my Friday! In New Zealand, it's Friday already, so there, yesterday would have been my Friday. Meaning my Wednesday here would have been my Friday there, had I traveled to New Zealand. Taking it a step further, tomorrow, Friday, which is my Saturday, it would have already been my Sunday there, which is my Saturday here, but in reality, it's Friday for everyone else, except in New Zealand, where it's Saturday. And Saturday here, which is my Sunday, is already Sunday there. Sunday, which is also my Sunday and everybody else's Sunday, is Monday there, so if I had traveled to New Zealand on Sunday, it would be like I never had a day off to begin with, even though I took Friday off, which was my Saturday. And of course, if I returned home on Monday there, it would still be Sunday here, so I would have to go to work the next day, meaning I would have 2 consecutive Mondays. But I'm taking next Friday off also, so next Monday is actually my next Tuesday.
It's a good thing I'm not going to New Zealand.
I'm taking tomorrow off, so today is my Friday! In New Zealand, it's Friday already, so there, yesterday would have been my Friday. Meaning my Wednesday here would have been my Friday there, had I traveled to New Zealand. Taking it a step further, tomorrow, Friday, which is my Saturday, it would have already been my Sunday there, which is my Saturday here, but in reality, it's Friday for everyone else, except in New Zealand, where it's Saturday. And Saturday here, which is my Sunday, is already Sunday there. Sunday, which is also my Sunday and everybody else's Sunday, is Monday there, so if I had traveled to New Zealand on Sunday, it would be like I never had a day off to begin with, even though I took Friday off, which was my Saturday. And of course, if I returned home on Monday there, it would still be Sunday here, so I would have to go to work the next day, meaning I would have 2 consecutive Mondays. But I'm taking next Friday off also, so next Monday is actually my next Tuesday.
It's a good thing I'm not going to New Zealand.
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
SHAMELESS PROMOTION
I'm going to be gone to an off-site meeting all day (and I am completely bereft of anything to say whatsoever), so I figured I'd use this entry to attract more traffic.
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
And for those using the Google image search:
Oh, and here are links to the real sites.
Crossbow
Bowflex
And please, buy one of these and use it if you currently go to my gym. Because if you go to my gym now, I most assuredly hate your guts and my life would be so much better if you stopped coming.
But seriously, steroids are the way to go if you want to look like those guys in the pictures.
I'm going to be gone to an off-site meeting all day (and I am completely bereft of anything to say whatsoever), so I figured I'd use this entry to attract more traffic.
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM CROSSBOW HOME GYM
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX BOWFLEX
And for those using the Google image search:
Oh, and here are links to the real sites.
Bowflex
And please, buy one of these and use it if you currently go to my gym. Because if you go to my gym now, I most assuredly hate your guts and my life would be so much better if you stopped coming.
But seriously, steroids are the way to go if you want to look like those guys in the pictures.
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
ISN'T THAT SPECIAL?
I finally broke down and purchased the DVD of "Real Genius". I watched it last night, hence the cosmetic changes to the site. The DVD comes with the following "special features": English, German, and Spanish subtitles, scene selection, and trailers for the movies "Hook" and "Jumanji"(?). No director commentary, no outtakes, no deleted scenes, no "Making of" short, absolutely nothing that a fan who is buying this DVD might actually want. Thanks, Columbia Tri-Star Home Video! Way to market that baby! Of course, I and many others bought it without all that stuff, so they probably saved a fortune.
Favorite forgotten line: (Jerry Hathaway) "The colon. What does it look like?"
I finally broke down and purchased the DVD of "Real Genius". I watched it last night, hence the cosmetic changes to the site. The DVD comes with the following "special features": English, German, and Spanish subtitles, scene selection, and trailers for the movies "Hook" and "Jumanji"(?). No director commentary, no outtakes, no deleted scenes, no "Making of" short, absolutely nothing that a fan who is buying this DVD might actually want. Thanks, Columbia Tri-Star Home Video! Way to market that baby! Of course, I and many others bought it without all that stuff, so they probably saved a fortune.
Favorite forgotten line: (Jerry Hathaway) "The colon. What does it look like?"
Monday, December 02, 2002
WHERE'S THE MAFIA WHEN YOU NEED IT?
Excuse me, there's something I have to do.
I HATE THAT FUCKING COMMERCIAL WHERE THE IDIOT SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS IN ST. MARK'S SQUARE THAT HE LOVES HIS WIFE AND THEN HE GIVES HER A DIAMOND! I FUCKING HATE IT!
I sincerely hope everyone responsible for this ad got a gondola pole stuck up their ass before they left Venice.
Excuse me, there's something I have to do.
I HATE THAT FUCKING COMMERCIAL WHERE THE IDIOT SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS IN ST. MARK'S SQUARE THAT HE LOVES HIS WIFE AND THEN HE GIVES HER A DIAMOND! I FUCKING HATE IT!
I sincerely hope everyone responsible for this ad got a gondola pole stuck up their ass before they left Venice.
SCENES FROM LAST NIGHT'S "SOPRANOS" IF HBO HAD MERGED WITH ANOTHER NETWORK
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is ESPN.
SCENE: A truck carrying a giant inflatable rat drives up and the Union President announces that the Esplanade job has been shut down.
EXTRA SCENE: The inflatable rat appears in a SportsCenter commercial with Al Davis. Al sues ESPN for $1 billion.
SCENE: Paulie Walnuts introduces himself to New York Boss Carmine, who has no idea who he is.
EXTRA SCENE: NFL Films is on hand to document Paulie's combination of fear, shock and embarrassment from six different angles and replay it in slow motion for decades to come, complete with Ron Jaworski's in-depth analysis.
SCENE: Meadow and Carmela dispute whether "Billy Budd" is a piece of gay fiction.
EXTRA SCENE: Stuart Scott does a post-fight interview. Carmela tells him if he calls her "dawg" one more time, she's going to rip his lungs out and bake them into a mostaccioli.
SCENE: Paulie breaks in to his mother's friend's house to steal the money under her mattress. He proceeds to suffocate her with a pillow when she walks in on him.
EXTRA SCENE: Paulie finishes first in the "Old Lady Snuff" during the "World's Strongest Mobster" competition.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MTV
This is the latest in a series here at TCP presenting extra scenes from last night's episode of "The Sopranos" that would have been shown if HBO had merged with another network. This week's network is ESPN.
SCENE: A truck carrying a giant inflatable rat drives up and the Union President announces that the Esplanade job has been shut down.
EXTRA SCENE: The inflatable rat appears in a SportsCenter commercial with Al Davis. Al sues ESPN for $1 billion.
SCENE: Paulie Walnuts introduces himself to New York Boss Carmine, who has no idea who he is.
EXTRA SCENE: NFL Films is on hand to document Paulie's combination of fear, shock and embarrassment from six different angles and replay it in slow motion for decades to come, complete with Ron Jaworski's in-depth analysis.
SCENE: Meadow and Carmela dispute whether "Billy Budd" is a piece of gay fiction.
EXTRA SCENE: Stuart Scott does a post-fight interview. Carmela tells him if he calls her "dawg" one more time, she's going to rip his lungs out and bake them into a mostaccioli.
SCENE: Paulie breaks in to his mother's friend's house to steal the money under her mattress. He proceeds to suffocate her with a pillow when she walks in on him.
EXTRA SCENE: Paulie finishes first in the "Old Lady Snuff" during the "World's Strongest Mobster" competition.
NEXT WEEK'S NETWORK: MTV
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